Belated Memories
by castlefan6
Summary: Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, A Deadly Game (TY Cyotepup4 for the correction). Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.
1. Chapter 1

**Belated Memories by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives. **

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously Courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com **

"_Thought you were working this weekend."_

"_Yeah, I'm sorry, Castle. I should've just told you. I just didn't want things to be awkward between us, now that Tom and I are…together."_

"_No, I get it. Yeah. No, you want your private life to be private."_

"_Yeah, I just don't- I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable"_

"_No, of course not. No, I mean...Actually, that makes what I was gonna say a little easier. Um...What with my book due, I was thinking it'd be a good time for us to take a break."_

"_A break?"_

"_Yeah. God knows you got to be tired of me following you around all the time, and I really do need to get some work done. With everyone gone, I figured, why not just stay up in the Hamptons, you know? Getaway from the city for a while."_

"_Well, for how long?"_

"_The summer at least. I thought this would be our last case."_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 1**

**FOUR YEARS LATER**

**Beckett's Apartment**

**Sunday, May 30****th,**** 6:00 AM**

Kate hadn't slept again, it seemed she had not had a good night's sleep since Richard Castle ended their partnership four years ago. She could remember every word that was said, she had been foolish and chosen a good-looking Detective over Rick, but she had done something Rick absolutely despised, she had lied. It seemed like what convinced him to change a temporary absence into permanently was the lie she had told him earlier, even before Tom had asked her to the Hamptons.

They were working on the case where the husband had tracked down his wife's lover and shot him in the park, in the middle of an elaborate Spy Game vacation. Rick had asked her to attend his Memorial Day celebration with him in the Hamptons, no strings attached just as friends but she told him she had to work. That excuse blew up in her face when Tom came up to the Homicide Floor and asked her in front of Castle to confirm their plans for the weekend, there had been a cancelation and he had the room on hold.

Kate knew that Rick was hurt, but she never expected to hear the words that came out of his mouth, not in anger, not in jealousy, it was a sadness that she would never forget. He made the excuse that he had to get caught up with his books and was taking a break, something that floored Kate. She didn't know what she expected, but leaving her for more than a few days had never occurred to her at all.

Deep down she knew he loved her, and if she were being honest, the feelings were mutual, BUT Tom was safe, not pressing her or making her see herself for what she had become. A woman more out for revenge than justice, she was willing to take chances not only with her own life but also the lives of her team and resented Castle calling her out on it.

She resented it, mainly because it was true, and she hated that he could read her so well, and a huge fight ensued when he re-opened her Mother's case when she had forbidden him to do so. He had hired a world-renowned Forensic Pathologist, who worked with Lanie to confirm the original autopsy was incorrect, and there were also three more victims that needed justice. She threw him out like a pestilent child would do, never even thanking him when she begrudgingly took him back but made him pay for a long time.

He had paid a huge sum of money to help catch her mother's killer, $100,000 none of which was recovered when she had to kill the man who took her Mom's life, to save Castle. Once again, he approached her about quitting, he felt the guilt and it was she who talked him into staying. Something she was sure he regretted now, after all, that had happened.

When he had left, she truly believed he thought he was coming back in the fall, but life events certainly hit him and his family very hard. He was alone in the Hamptons, which surprised her, the fiasco with Tom turned out to be a nightmare. Someone trying to compete with Castle's wealth, with no idea of what they were doing.

The room Tom rented was a freaking Time Share, they had it for a grand total of 3 hours and 47 minutes after sitting in traffic for almost 6 hours because his parents weren't ready to leave and they got stuck in traffic. Things got so bad between them she actually rented a car service, yes, she used Rick's and got a huge discount, to leave Tom there with his mother who he apparently had never left her apron strings.

**Flashback Memorial Day Weekend 4 Years Earlier**

She spent the remainder of Sunday cleaning her apartment out of frustration, and then she got the call early Monday (Memorial Day) morning. It was from a nurse at Hamptons General Hospital, something about her being Rick Castle's Emergency Contact, or ICE on his phone, and she needed to get there as soon as possible. If she knew the whereabouts of his daughter and mother, it was serious enough to locate them and get them to the Hamptons immediately.

She rushed to the loft, and used her key, one she was entrusted with and never gave back after living with them for several weeks, she found Martha's itinerary as well as a contact number for Alexis at Stanford program. Two of the most difficult calls she had to make, she was already en route by Car Service, she didn't trust herself driving being this upset when first Alexis called back, then Martha. Both told her to do what she had to do to keep their loved one alive, as the tears flowed from both on separate calls. She was strong, well she lasted until they hung up and then cried her eyes out.

She closed her eyes, as the fear overtook her running into the hospital, asking for the nurse who called her. Rick was in CCU, he had suffered a massive heart attack, and it was only by the grace of God that his neighbor tried one last time to talk him into going to a party. If Vinnie the Scar had not come along, Rick would surely have died.

She spoke to the Doctor who seemed to be talking in a foreign language to her, she knew she was intelligent, but he was using words she had no idea what the hell they meant, how could she explain to Alexis or Martha? She called Lanie, explained quickly where she was and the events that led up to it, and finally she began to understand the translated version.

Long and short of it, in any language, Rick was almost dead when the EMT's got to him and needed Open Heart Surgery to correct a defective valve. It had gone undetected for years, but now that he had just turned 40 years old seemed to surface almost on cue.

He spent three weeks in the hospital, and endured two more surgeries, before Martha had him flown by private ambulance to John Hopkins, where they completed a fourth surgery, this time to fix a damaged artery caused during the first two surgeries. Finally, he began to come around a little more each day, and ten days later quietly checked himself out of the hospital to join Alexis in England. She had been accepted at Oxford and because she was still under 18 needed a parent or guardian. No one except Paula and perhaps Gina knew where he had disappeared to, but neither was saying anything.

It was over three weeks more before she actually checked back in on him, and the shame and embarrassment she felt when the nurse told her he had been gone for over three weeks but had left her an envelope, should she ever show up, he knew how busy she was.

"_Dear Kate,_

_I guess it was too much to ask of you to chase happiness, well as you've told me, countless times, IT's MY LIFE CASTLE" and you're right, so I hope you find the answers the mysteries you are chasing, but even more I wish you Love in your life. Someday you'll understand, perhaps, but again, I'm not going to stick around and see you get yourself killed. This is Goodbye, sorry it had to be like this, but one close call to death is all this heart can take, _

_Good Luck Detective,_

_Rick Castle,_

She tried to find him but after a few calls to Paula, and the usual kind Martha Rogers, she knew, it was too little and far to late, he was gone.

**Present Day**

She remembered how lost she had felt until she finally found out he was an ocean away from her, in England almost 7 months later. Even the time zones were not in her favor when she got off work, it was the middle of the night where he was, so she tried to write letters daily. She called him, pleaded for forgiveness and for them to just be friends, she needed him. Just like most long-distance relationships, it was over and done in less than three months. His letters lay on her table unanswered as she burned the midnight oil at the precinct until he stopped trying.

After he realized that she was never going to change he attempted to thank her with a hefty deposit to her savings account, which she refused, they fought, till finally, Alexis told her to take the money. It would hurt her Dad more than the surgeries if she didn't.

Reluctantly she accepted, but she felt like it was Rick's way of evening the score, she had been there for him and alerted his Mother and Daughter, which had eventually saved his life, now he set her up for life. She would never need to work again if she didn't care to, but what would she do if not work? Her Mom's killer still needed to be brought to justice, and the last time she had spoken to Rick, he had once again pleaded with her to choose life, you have choices now, so choose to live not to chase justice or revenge. She had gotten furious with him and said some awful things, never knowing that it would be the last time she would talk to him, as her friend.

The first fireworks had been shot off, and it merely reminded Kate that she had a chance for it all four years ago, but she made the wrong chose. She thought Castle would always be right there as he had been, day in and day out, waiting for her.

He changed after his heart attack, he seemed to have found a new zest for life and lived his life as he wanted to. He finished two more Heat Books without ever setting foot inside the precinct, and both were bestsellers, the final one in the series stayed on the list for well over a year. In his books, he had given them the happy ending, well sort of. The reader had to make their own choice whether Nikki accepted Rooks's invitation and met him at the docks to sail away, or if she stayed true to her destiny of being the best cop she could be, it was left for the reader to decide.

As she sat in her apartment, watching the bombs bursting in air, and the red, blue, and green glare of the fireworks display over the Hudson River, it only reminded her of him, and how sad she was and had been for the last several years. Little did he know but when he left, her heart went with him.

She had seen him a total of two times since he checked out of the hospital, once at Martha's funeral, the other at Roy's. Both times he was not receptive to anything more than light conversation. He didn't come out and say it, but the way he treated her, always the perfect gentleman, never rude or letting his feelings show, it was like he was being faithful to someone else, she knew it wasn't fair, or right, but that hurt more than anything.

He still owned the Loft, but when she stopped by unexpectantly yesterday, she discovered that Alexis was now living there with her new husband, and attending Graduate School. Her Dad was not in New York, and she would not offer any more information.

"I'm sorry Detective, excuse me, Captain Beckett, I'll pass the message along to Dad, if and when he calls. He's living his life to the fullest now, and I don't mean like before, this time he's doing things he wants to do when he feels like doing them."

"Well, Alexis, how is his health, I mean it was pretty close*"

"Yes, it was Captain, but as he told us after Grams passed, he would rather wake up in the hereafter saying I'm glad I did, rather than saying I wish I had, a life of regrets is sadder than anything in life."

Kate thanked her for letting him know when she could and left. When she returned home, it was all she could do to hold her tears in. She thought, was she the one he thought about when he told Alexis about a life of regrets, God if he only knew.

The finale of the fireworks served to drown out Kate's tears while reminding her of days gone by when the man-child Castle got excited as a little kid when watching fireworks, or magic shows. She missed him, more than she ever thought she could miss anyone but he had moved on, perhaps she should try to do the same.


	2. Chapter 2

**Belated Memories by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. It starts with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously **

_She had seen him a total of two times since he checked out of the hospital, once at Martha's funeral, the other at Roy's. Both times he was not receptive to anything more than light conversation. He didn't come out and say it, but the way he treated her, always the perfect gentleman, never rude or letting his feelings show, it was like he was being faithful to someone, and that hurt more than anything. _

_He still owned the Loft, but when she stopped by unexpectantly yesterday, she discovered that Alexis was now living there with her new husband, and attending Graduate School. Her Dad was not in New York, and she would not offer any more information._

"_I'm sorry Detective, excuse me, Captain Beckett, I'll pass the message along to Dad, if and when he calls. He's living his life to the fullest now, and I don't mean like before, this time he's doing things he wants to do when he feels like doing them."_

"_Well, Alexis, how is his health, I mean it was pretty close*"_

"_Yes, it was Captain, but as he told us after Grams passed, he would rather wake up in the hereafter saying I'm glad I did, rather than saying I wish I had, a life of regrets is sadder than anything in life."_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 2**

**Denver Colorado,**

**Memorial Day, May 31****st**

**Rick's Cabin and Camp Grounds**

Rick awoke with the sun beating in the window and hitting his eyes at an angle he couldn't escape no matter which way he turned his head. Oh Well, it's time to haul my lazy butt out of bed anyway he thought, as he swung his feet over and hit the floor. He reached down and grabbed his robe, and slipped on the fuzzy slippers Alexis and Ron had gotten him as a gag gift, the truth was, they were warm and expanded to let his feet feel like he was walking on air.

He glanced over at the other room, where his nurse and companion Linda was sleeping. Tiny little snores were still coming from her, so he decided to change into his running gear and get his run in. Linda was more than a nurse, she was his nutritionist, his trainer, and his friend, a good friend. He had been open and honest with her about the woman only known as KB in New York, his life of leading women on was over. He stared at her for a moment, lost in his thoughts,

**FLASHBACK **

She had been his private nurse after surgery at John Hopkins, but they got along so well she left the agency and worked for him exclusively. She accompanied him to England, watched over him, monitored vital signs and cracked the whip when she had to, his tendency not to exercise was not acceptable anymore. Alexis fell in love with her, and she joined them with her own bedroom in a 5 Bedroom home Rick had rented for him and Alexis for her first year at Oxford.

Each had their own room, and Rick used one for his office, where he cranked out the final Heat books, partially from his notes, but mostly from his memories. It seemed almost therapeutic, to put down on paper the feelings he had been holding in, either way, Black Pawn loved it, and the edits were few before the books were released.

Three and a half years later Alexis was ready to graduate, Rick had long since passed the stage where he needed a nurse or monitoring, but he needed Linda. She was fun, uncomplicated and he could be himself, even when he had those crazy outlandish ideas and when everyone else told him to grow up, Linda asked: "how can we do that Rick?" She had tried to quit three separate times, but apparently, she had grown fond of him and Alexis as well, she was in a strange country alone and no one cared for her as the Castles, little and big and she couldn't leave either one. Perhaps the attraction had grown past what she had intended for Rick when they had their talk.

Alexis also had the talk with him the moment she saw something in Linda's eyes, a look of love she had called it, but to his credit, Rick had already told Linda all about New York and KB. He didn't even mention her by name anymore, it was simply the Detective or KB, she had done what even Kyra couldn't, he had lost his soul momentarily until the heart attack and the short reel of his life played before his eyes as he lay somewhere between life and the hereafter. "When you get that close to death, it makes you want even the bad days over" he had said.

Whatever the connection Linda was fine with it, Alexis had grilled them both, separately and together, all she wanted was both to be happy and not expecting something the other wasn't willing to give. She grew very close to Linda when she met her one and done, also an American studying abroad, Ron Harper seemed to be Prince William and Prince Henry rolled into one for Alexis.

Linda guided her through those early days, the get-together, the breakup, the reunion, another breakup, and finally just sitting down and telling each other what they wanted. They were engaged two months later and although Rick liked Ron, it made him feel like he had been replaced in his pumpkin's life.

Linda filled that void, both she and Rick knew the score, both knew what they wanted so it was love, but not the love to get over the one who broke your heart in a million pieces. Linda had her own KB, except his name was Dale, and he was living in Arizona with his new wife and child, one he married while secretly keeping Linda on a string.

The humiliation was something that Rick was working on trying to get her to understand, it wasn't her fault, her only sin was giving her heart to a playboy and trusting him. He could relate, especially when she told of all the broken promises, lies and deceit.

Rick had remembered once Linda trying to pass it off as a joke when she was caught crying to the song What becomes of the Broken Hearted by Jimmy Ruffin, "I guess they all leave the states and come to England she had replied,

"Come on Linda, you know that's not entirely true, I'm sure many of us come here for other reasons"

"Oh Yeah Rick, Google and see where the singer is now living, he's in frickin England with us." Then her tears fell. One of the few times Rick had ever seen her cry, but she sobbed like he wanted to when KB broke his heart. Perhaps he did, but it was in private at his home in the Hamptons right before they took him to the hospital, he wasn't sure everything during that time was a blur to him.

They grew closer, sharing a love for a girl transforming into a young lady right before them, and Linda assumed the Mother of the Bride duties when it was decided they were getting married the day after graduation, then repeating the vows in New York for family members would not be able to make the wedding in England. Rick knew that this was going to ruffle some feathers back in the U.S., but if that's what his little girl wanted, that's what she would get.

The ceremony in England was beautiful, Alexis had found her love and when they repeated the ceremony in New York, some months later, Linda once again served as the Mother of the bride, something that didn't go unnoticed by the press or either of Castle's previous wives or partner. Although Kate had not been invited, she did get to watch the video Rick had posted on his website for his loyal readers, something she would never admit to being to him before.

She cried, thinking how things could have been, and in her mind wondered had Linda become his true love, if anyone deserved it, Rick Castle certainly did but no matter how much she wanted to take the high road she was still hurt and angry, mostly with herself but with him as well. She glanced at her table and even through her tears, she could see 5 letters from Rick that she had not answered, after being the one to beg him to stay in contact and stay friends. Once again she had put the job, ahead of everything else, including her friendship with Rick. It wasn't a surprise to her when no more letters came, how long could he wait, even in her mind?

That was almost 10 months ago, after the wedding Rick decided to tour America, not from the back of a Limo or by plane but setting out to really see the beautiful sights of the land. Linda had agreed, as long as he promised to always stay in lodging that furnished running water, and indoor toilets, she had heard and read too many horror stories of women squatting in the woods for nature breaks.

As Alexis and Ron left for their honeymoon, Linda and Rick headed west, with no particular itinerary, just a list of places both would like to see. They had spent months at a time in locations where they found peace and tranquility, seldom did either look at a paper or watch the evening news. Rick had his cell phone set on vibrate, and after months of calls not being returned by many in New York, Gina, Paula and occasionally Lanie, most had given up. The only call he made was to Alexis, and that had dwindled down to once or twice a week now.

**Present Day**

He shook his thoughts and memories out of his head just in time to feel Linda's arms slip around him from behind.

"Where were you Rick, you certainly weren't here with me, I called your name at least three times without response so I came to you"

"I'm sorry Linda, just thinking about life and how memories can keep the past alive, sometimes when you wished you could erase parts of that from your playlist."

"Hey, where's the guy who told me that it was because of everything we both had done, good, bad, things we wished we could change, whatever it was they led us to the events of meeting each other?"

He smiled, but she knew it was the one he used when he thought he should smile, not because he was happy.

"Rick, it's OK to have thoughts of KB, she had been told to never mention her name, you two spent some pretty hectic and scary times together, I'm really sorry she hurt you so badly, but the last two times we saw her, it seemed like she wanted to make things right. Are you sure you don't want to talk to her, perhaps just to get things off your chest?"

"Oh, she's great with the I'm sorry, but before you know it, you're pulled back into a sense that she cares, only to have her parade a new boy toy in front of you. At least you never had to see Dale with his, well now his wife, I know it hurt, but imagine if he had done that in front of a room full of people who knew how crazy you were about him? That's what I can't understand, but as you said, no need to relive old memories, time to make new ones. To answer your question, I'm sure KB and I have nothing to talk about anymore. Care to join me in my run?" he had deflected from a memory he needed to address once again, but all Linda could do was be there for him.

"Give me 5 minutes to change, and I will whip your butt as usual" as she threw a pillow at him and laughed, this time he did laugh, a real laugh.

Xx

**Sunset **

**High on Sloan's Lake Park**

**Same Day**

As usual, Rick and Linda had filled their day with their run, then showered and dressed to view the more unusual sights of Denver before the fireworks later that night. The botanic gardens were beautiful, and they both fell in love with the Art Museum, nowhere near as large as the one in New York City, but still impressive.

The sight that almost made them late for the fireworks display, was the zoo. Linda had to finally threaten to leave him and see him tomorrow if they didn't move on and get back to the hotel. The man-child came out in him, and although she pretended hard to be, she couldn't be mad at the man who for the first time since his illness, was back to his old self.

Linda secretly captured video of his antics outside the monkey cages, and texted them to Alexis with the question "was he always like this?" Her reply came in a moment, a screen full of happy smiling faces, and the words "Thank You, Linda, that's my Dad, now I know he's back. We love you both", and filled the line with heart emojis. Linda smiled, perhaps what they had wasn't like his love with KB, or hers with Dale, but no one could argue what they did have was almost as good. Who knew, perhaps in time they would both be over the heartbreak, but she knew Rick was still hurting, more than her. She would take as much of him as he would give, perhaps in time, they both would want it all. Only time would tell.

**A/N**

**I got the idea of this story while listening to a tribute to the late Meryl Haggard, one of the songs was this one. I often thought about what would have happened if life had gotten in the way, what would happen to Caskett. For guests who are analyzing every line, like "the last time she spoke to him as a friend", take a break. The title of the story is Belated not Forgotten, and that's all I'm going to say about that to quote Forrest Gump.**

**It's Not Love (But It's Not Bad)**

Merle Haggard

She was always there each time I needed you  
Holding on to me like I held on to you  
We still don't have what you and I once had  
No, it's not love, but it's not bad

No, it's not love, not like ours was  
It's not love, but it keeps love from driving me mad  
And I don't have to wonder who she's had  
No, it's not love, but it's not bad

I turn to her when you leave me alone  
Sometimes even when you're here, and you're still gone  
She's slowly changing what you leave so sad  
No, it's not love, but it's not bad

No, it's not love, not like ours was  
It's not love but it keeps love from driving me mad  
I don't have to wonder who she's had  
No, it's not love, but it's not bad

No, it's not love, not like ours was  
It's not love but it keeps love from driving me mad  
And I don't have to wonder who she's had  
No, it's not love, but it's not bad


	3. Chapter 3

**Belated Memories by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**A/N: I screwed up earlier today and posted an incorrect chapter, it was only up for a minute or less, but many got emails and sent me a notification that the site hadn't posted it. I apologize for the issue, my bad all the way, so tonight I am posting Chapters 3, and 4 rather than leave you with a cliff hanger,**

**Thanks**

**Previously **

_She had seen him a total of two times since he checked out of the hospital, once at Martha's funeral, the other at Roy's. Both times he was not receptive to anything more than light conversation. He didn't come out and say it, but the way he treated her, always the perfect gentleman, never rude or letting his feelings show, it was like he was being faithful to someone, and that hurt more than anything. _

_He still owned the Loft, but when she stopped by unexpectantly yesterday, she discovered that Alexis was now living there with her new husband, and attending Graduate School. Her Dad was not in New York, and she would not offer any more information._

"_I'm sorry Detective, excuse me, Captain Beckett, I'll pass the message along to Dad, if and when he calls. He's living his life to the fullest now, and I don't mean like before, this time he's doing things he wants to do when he feels like doing them."_

"_Well, Alexis, how is his health, I mean it was pretty close*"_

"_Yes, it was Captain, but as he told us after Grams passed, he would rather wake up in the hereafter saying I'm glad I did, rather than saying I wish I had, a life of regrets is sadder than anything in life."_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 3**

**One Month Later**

**Los Angelis California,**

Linda sat on the chair, thinking It's funny how life plays tricks on you, a month ago I was worrying about KB and her influence on Rick and her, then the text from Alexis came that changed everything.

**Flashback One Month**

Rick and she had enjoyed the fireworks display, first the formal one over the city, then the one he created for her in the bedroom. She wasn't a prude but didn't want to be considered a kept woman, so when they made love, it was because the mood was right for both of them. She didn't compromise her values and refused to sleep in the same bed, other than the times they both needed the physical relief, or he did something that just touched her so deeply she gave in to his every wish. There were also the occasions where she seduced him, but to say they were sleeping together regularly as a couple would be inaccurate.

She had slipped out of bed that morning, leaving Rick to rest and made a pot of coffee. She was enjoying the sunshine of the early morning that warmed her although the mountains still offered a chill. She had her phone in her hand getting ready to check for messages, when she felt it vibrate, with a new message. When she saw the last message was from Alexis, followed by a series of 9-1-1, then 9-1-1, the text read simply _**Linda, please call me, preferably outside of Dad's hearing, thanks, Lex**_

Something was wrong, dreadfully wrong for Alexis to text her and not her Dad, and ask that she be outside of her Dad's hearing was also very unusual. She grabbed her keys, and slipped on a heavier wrap and stepped out into the veranda that was shared with the other penthouse across the way. She found Alexis Harper in her contacts, and as her hand shook pressed the dial button on her phone.

"Hello, Linda?"

"Yes Lexi, it's me, what's wrong Sweetie?"

Linda had thought she had heard crying, but as Alexis attempted to answer her, she broke down and handed the phone to her husband.

"I'm sorry Linda, Alexis is having a hard time with the news we just got, and can't talk. Her natural mother, Meredith Castle, she never changed her name after the divorce, called in desperation this morning. She has stage 4 breast cancer that has already metastasized and is in Los Angeles City of Hope, Hospital. I guess she hasn't worked in a long while, and she's out of medical insurance, she's afraid they are about to discharge her since she can't pay for any further treatments."

"Ron, tell Alexis to calm down, Rick and I are about 4 hours from there, let us go and check it out. If Meredith needs medical attention, I know Rick will not let her go without it, regardless of their past, she's the mother of his child. Let me talk to Rick and call you back with our plan, OK?"

"Thanks, Linda, you just confirmed everything I told Alexis, I'm glad you feel the same way, call us with the plan, I know it will make Alexis feel better."

She had gently awoken Rick, then had the difficult task of telling him what had happened. Before she could reach the part where she had promised he wouldn't let her go untreated, he interrupted,

"Linda, I'm so very sorry, I don't want to hurt you, but Meredith is the mother of my child, I'll always love her in a special way for the gift she gave me, my little girl. I have to go to see what she needs; I don't expect you to*

"Stop right there, Rick, why don't you just ask me, don't answer for me ask me to go with you and listen for my answer"

Rick looked up a little shocked, "OK, Linda would you go with me to attend to my ex-wife's medical condition? I don't know how long this will take, but it's something I have to do, not only for Alexis but for me"

"Of course, I will you idiot, don't you know by know how much I love Alexis, this is her mother who needs help, so let's get out of here and see what we can do. Have you forgotten what I do for a living besides traveling around the world with you?"

"I'm sorry Linda, I know you're a nurse, a damn good one, but this hit close to home, and well most, eh, companions wouldn't understand"

She noticed he couldn't say girlfriend, and that was OK, she had hopes but if a companion was what he considered her, she was fine with that as long as she could be with him.

"Rick, I don't need a label, call me your nurse, companion, anything you want, let's get to Los Angeles and see what we can do."

"OK, I'm calling my attorney to contact the hospital, to guarantee payment, she's a lot of things but if she's in the hospital she's deathly ill."

**Present Day**

**Rick's Rented Villa**

**One Block from City of Hope Hospital**

**7:30 PM**

Rick's attorney had called the CFO of the hospital and electronically deposited a sizeable check to guarantee payment for any medical needs Meredith would require. Linda called and they had missed visiting hours, the floor Meredith was on allowed visiting hours between 11:00 AM and 7:00 PM.

"Maybe it's a good thing we wait till tomorrow, I'm sure she had a traumatic day to make her break down and call Alexis."

"Rick, she didn't call Alexis, yesterday was her birthday, so I'm guessing it was our girl who called to wish her a special day, that's how she found out if my guess is right."

"How is it you know my ex-wife's birthday and I had forgotten it, and you're probably right, Alexis usually gets the time zones reversed and waited to call her till a decent hour the next day."

"Well, if I tell you how I know I might just have to kill you, that's how that saying goes in the spy novels isn't it?" She laughed,

Rick laughed, then his eyes showed a twinkle she had never seen before, "Yeah that's how the saying goes, but if I get my choice of the ways you kill me it might be worth it" and he laughed

The comment caught Linda a little off guard, but being with Rick this long she responded in her sexy voice, "Just how is that Mr. Castle?"

"If you take me to bed and have your way with me till I shrivel up and fade away, it would be worth dying," he smiled, and this time his smile was the real one, saved usually for Alexis, but occasionally for her,

They ordered room service, called Alexis and outlined the plan and promised to call when they had more information tomorrow, then they had desert. They had made love hundreds of times before but this time there was an intensity she had never felt before. He was gentle when he should be and rough when she demanded it, but always attentive to her and it was the first night she had begged him to climax before she went out of her mind with her body trembling from the satisfaction she had received.

As she lay spent trying to regain some oxygen into her lungs, she was finally able to ask, "What got into you Rick, that was the first for us, I mean it's always been great but tonight was over the moon."

He slid up and kissed her breasts on his way to her lips, and replied,

"I finally started living for today, not trying to forget yesterday" as he kissed her deeply.

She pulled him tightly to her and laid her head against his, "I never said this before Rick, but if you keep this up, you could make me fall in love with you"

"My plan's working, he mumbled" as he kissed her neck, then laid his head on her chest and was out for the night.

Xx

The next morning Linda was still lying in the same spot, gently massaging Rick's temples and brushing his hair from his face. She had held him most of the night, still not believing what he had mumbled last night, neither had used the L word, before, but she was falling and she knew it. He had gently called out a name, she listened faintly thinking it would be of Kate, but he repeated it, and it was Lyns, a nickname he used for her only in special moments.

He opened his eyes to stare into the beautiful brown eyes of Linda, and whispered almost reverently,

"Good Morning Sweetie, Hope I didn't keep you up with dreams last night."

"No, you didn't keep me awake, I heard you talking once or twice, but I just figured you were upset about Meredith, after all, she was your wife."

"I didn't dream of her Lyns, I remember dreaming of you and I and a big waterfall, like in Hawaii where they film all those jungle scenes. We were walking up the path, and the higher we got, the happier we were, not sure what the hell it means but, it was of you, not them" he smiled and kissed her gently before he rolled out to go to the bathroom.

There it was that name, he called her that the first time when he was first coming out of a post-traumatic episode after the last surgery, he was afraid, and she had just spoken softly and gently while massaging his temples, when he said, "you could do that all day Lyns, you're an Angel taking care of me"

She heard the shower go off, so she rolled out and picked out her clothes to wear, if she approached the bathroom too soon, it would be all they could do to keep their hands off each other. When he walked back into the room with a pair of soft denim jeans and a pullover, she knew it was safe. She whispered,

"I won't be long," and kissed him as he had her earlier, short and sweet. She didn't dare linger or she would ravish him all day. They had to get to the hospital, Alexis was waiting for news.

Xx

They walked the halls at City of Hope Hospital, looking for Meredith's room, 427, and finally figured out the halls were laid out with odd-numbered rooms on one side, even on the other. They walked back to the central hall, and there was the sign, they had completely missed a few minutes earlier. She reached down and took Rick's hand, and asked quietly, "Are you OK?"

He turned to her, brought their joined hands together and kissed her hand, then smiled slowly, "I'm fine, I'm with you."

They walked a few rooms more and there they saw a mass on the far bed, who seemed to be sobbing hard. They knocked gently, then a little harder, and finally went in to see Meredith laying crumpled in a ball, crying so hard she could hardly breathe. Linda's nursing skills took over and she was on the side of the bed, coaxing her back into a regular breathing pattern, and just after Meredith's breathing had almost returned to normal, a crash cart and two nurses came running in.

Rick was calm, "It's OK now we just got here and my companion is my nurse so she got her out of the panic attack. Please watch her monitors more closely, she was almost ready to code"

One of the more senior nurses looked at him with a sneer, and said very hatefully, "And who the hell do you think you are, giving us orders?"

Rick smiled and said, "See that sign out there that tells you are in the Rodgers wing, well I'm Rick Rogers, her former husband and the benefactor that created yours and a lot more jobs"

"I'm very sorry Mr. Rogers, we had no idea" Rick held his hand up for her to silence,

"I know, that's why I don't wear a blinking sign, please ask your Medical Director to come to this room ASAP,"

"Yes Sir", a very contrite and worried nurse now backed out of the room

He then heard Meredith say, "Hello Kitten, I see you still have your charm with the women"

He turned to face his ex-wife and could hardly recognize her, Cancer had certainly taken a toll on one of the most beautiful women he had ever known, but he just gently said,

"What did we agree about calling me Kitten?" then smiled as Meredith forced a smile through her pain.

She watched his face grimace as she played it once again, "Whatever you say Kitten"

Rick smiled at her, then turned to face the hall to hide the tears in his eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

**Belated Memories by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously **

"_I'm sorry Linda, I know you're a nurse, a damn good one, but this hit close to home, and well most, eh, companions wouldn't understand"_

_She noticed he couldn't say girlfriend, and that was OK, she had hopes but if a companion was what he considered her, she was fine with that as long as she could be with him._

"_Rick, I don't need a label, call me your nurse, companion, anything you want, let's get to Los Angeles and see what we can do."_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 4**

**City of Hope Hospital**

**Los Angeles CA**

**Meredith Castle Room # 427**

**Same Day**

"What did we agree about calling me Kitten?" then smiled as Meredith forced a smile through her pain.

She watched his face grimace as she played it once again, "Whatever you say Kitten"

Rick smiled at her, then turned to face the hall to hide the tears in his eyes.

Linda stepped in and said, "Hi Meredith, may I call you that? I'm Linda and I've been Rick's nurse since he had the heart attack almost 4 years ago now. Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable, ice chips, fresh water, change the bedding? Just let me know, we're here to help"

"Wow Rick, how did you get so lucky with this one, she's as compassionate as you are, you're lucky, Thanks Linda, I'm good, well as good as I can be with stage 4 cancer but I'm still here."

Linda blushed, and Rick turned around after he had composed himself, he didn't know what he was expecting, but he certainly wasn't expecting the aged look on his ex-wife. She had always been a stickler for her hair and makeup, not even close today. He swallowed hard and tried his best to hide his shock from her.

"Why didn't you call Mer, you know I would always be here for you. It's not like the time you wanted me to co-sign for a three-million-dollar condo for you and Jerry, by the way where is Jerry?"

"He's been gone for months Rick, not many men want to stick around when they hear the word Cancer, and then they tell you that they're cutting your boobs off, what else did I have to keep him with. He was gone the first week like you told me I sure know how to pick them"

"Just so you know Mer, it wasn't your boobs that made me fall in love with you, I'm a leg man, but you had a nice rack, so what now you get aftermarket replacements that won't droop like you always worried about"

"Don't make me laugh, it hurts when I do" but a big smile was on her face as she gently took one of Rick's hands, and one of Linda's, "Thanks for coming, I had a visit from the Chief of Oncology to inform me that some anonymous person had guaranteed payment for any service I would need, so I should stop worrying about the money, insurance or break in treatment. I wonder who that could be Rick?"

"I have no idea of what you're talking about" Rick smiled his gentle smile, as Meredith squeezed their hands.

"Thank You Rick, and also you Linda, I know Alexis loves you very much, and I wasn't going to say anything, but when she called to wish me a Happy Birthday it all came out. Turning 40, double mastectomy, Stage 4 Cancer, a boyfriend who cut and ran at the first sign of trouble, and worried about the medical costs, I just couldn't hold it in and unloaded our her, I'm sorry, I wish I had been stronger."

"Happy Belated Birthday Mer, and do you really think Alexis would have been fooled, you're an actress, in some roles a damn good one, but you have never been able to act your way out of anything with our daughter or me. Do you want to know how we figured out how things happened?" she shook her head yes,

"This one over here", as he pulled Linda in for a hug, "knew it was your birthday, she also knew that Alexis for as smart as she is can never keep time zones straight and probably called you the day after early in the morning, thinking it had been too late on your actual day." He and Linda were both smiling now

"I saw the pictures, then the video of her wedding Rick, she was beautiful."

Linda blushed, and suddenly felt very uncomfortable, until Meredith, pulled her hand,

"Hey, I'm not jealous, I'm just glad you were there for her. I've played a lot of roles, but I don't think I ever played Mother, in life or on the stage well enough to get the part. I know she loves me, but also that she realizes I can't give her the things a Mom should. I'm glad she bonded with you and had someone there for her. By the way, you were beautiful for the wedding as well."

"Thanks, Meredith, I love her too, she's such a sweet young lady, and her heart is almost as big as this one's" as she points a thumb toward Rick. "So what is the prognosis, if you don't mind, I'm a nurse, and if we know what you're up against, perhaps between Rick and me we can get you in to see a specialist in that area."

"Your very kind, Linda and I appreciate the offer, but I had a double mastectomy and 2 rounds of chemo and radiation, I know, my hair is still here, but I lost my Freakin eyebrows. I finally had them tattooed on since I looked like a store mannequin without them. We're waiting for the results from the last CAT scan I took last night, to see where it has spread to. The doctors already warned me that I waited too long, and now they had to aggressively treat it or it would kill me." A tear fell from her eye when she finished speaking and squeezed Linda's hand a bit harder.

"Hey whatever comes back you know we are here for you Mer, don't worry about anything but getting well. You just have to let us know what you need, we'll be here at least a week just to be sure you haven't stashed Jerry in the closet over there and planning to outwit me for all Alexis inheritance" he laughed, and she threw a pillow at him.

"OK Kitten, you know me too well. This is my evil plot to get my ex-husband to pay for a what did you call them, factory upgrades, to my boobs, that I now find out almost twenty five years later they didn't snare you like I thought they did, it was my legs" she smiled but everyone knew she was in a lot of pain.

Rick smiled, knowing he would only aggravate the situation if he balked at her nickname for him, she was looking some better with her color now that they had visited. She was showing signs of being tired, so Rick quietly said,

"Hey Mer, it's early, Linda and I are going to grab some lunch, but we'll be back before visiting hours are over, why don't you get some rest. Can we bring you back anything; do you need anything?"

She smiled, "well, I would love to have my hair washed and set but with the money being so tight, I didn't make the appointment" she flushed a bit with embarrassment.

Linda reached over and dialed a number, and made an appointment for her in two hours to come to her room, full treatment, hair, nails and even shave her legs. "I hope that's OK Meredith" she said once she had realized what she had done.

"Linda, it was great, but why don't you call me Mer, that's what Rick does when it isn't some four-letter words we can't repeat" she laughed gently as Rick leaned in and kissed her cheek.

"You have two hours to nap, and then the salon on wheels will be here to take care of your beauty needs. If you want something done, just tell them Mer, we'll be back soon" Rick's eyes filled with tears as he turned to leave.

"Thanks Rick, Linda, I'll be good and do as I'm told, thanks for coming and I'll see you in a little while. One more thing, Linda, if it's not too much trouble could you pick up a few gowns, the sleepwear I used to wear won't fit, even if it did, I'm sure it wouldn't be appropriate for a hospital"

"Sure thing Mer, I'm guessing Medium if you're like me you don't want to be suffocated fighting your sleepwear at night" Mer smiled and just nodded, as Linda also leaned in and kissed her forehead gently, whispering, "Stay strong, you're not alone" and then turned, gathered Rick's hand and left."

As they made their way out of the hospital, Linda just kept Rick's hand tightly in hers. She knew he was fighting internal battles, about what he should have done, he always tried to shoulder the blame no matter what happened.

"Rick, you know it's not your fault, and she would have gotten sick whether you were here or there, you couldn't have prevented it"

"I know, but if I were closer, I could have maybe made her go to seek treatment sooner, what kind of country do we live in where not only her, but millions like her, have to decide to eat or seek medical treatment, it's wrong, Linda, so damn wrong."

"I know, believe me, I know. Did you ever wonder why I was a private nurse and not working for a hospital when the agency sent me over to care for you? I had my fill of suffering, dying, and the doctors who tried to add you to their list, outweighed the good work many were doing.

I just couldn't take it, especially when the breakup became known, hell I became the sure thing to put out on coffee dates, the Bastards. I just wanted away from that environment, so you were my first and last patient through the agency."

"Yeah, I didn't even try to seduce you for at least three months" he laughed,

"It was one year, 11 months and 22 days before we made love, but who was counting," she giggled, a sound that Rick hadn't heard in a long time.

They had lunch, then Linda called Alexis, catching her between classes and talked to her for about an hour, telling her everything they knew, and answering questions that a nurse could. Rick had sat in the chair staring out the window, old memories came rushing back to him, as he closed his eyes.

**FLASHBACK**

"I'm sorry Rick, I have to go, this is an opportunity of a lifetime and Mother has worked so hard to get me into the program" Kyra said, tears in her eyes

"You mean she's worked so hard to get rid of me" Rick replied,

"Rick, Please, don't make this about us, you know like Mother said, if it's true love, and strong enough, it will stand the test of time"

"Kyra, that's not weeks, not months, but at least three years, what the hell do I do for three years wait for you to maybe come back?"

"Rick, I'm sorry, I'm going so if you don't wait, then I guess it wasn't meant to be, my flight leaves in an hour, do you want to see me off?"

"No, no I think I got the answer I needed from you Kyra, I just hope this opportunity in a lifetime is worth it, this is goodbye for me. I love you but, I can't wait on a maybe, not for years, Goodbye" he turned and walked away.

A few months later the sexy redhead came into his life, and even if he pushed it aside, there was an attraction, both physical and emotional. He had been very guarded with his heart, but Meredith was busting through his defenses.

After making love the first time, well multiple times he was hooked as if on a drug, and even with her faults he loved her. When she told him she was pregnant, he didn't doubt the baby was his, he really didn't care all he knew was they were going to be a family, a real family.

His dreams came crashing down the day he caught her with the director on their bed, it was the end of his marriage, and the start of a life doubting if he would ever find a woman who would love him enough to put him first,

He thoughts turned to Gina, oh what a fool he had been, good sex, and a great working relationship were not the ingredients for a lasting marriage, he should have learned from the first failed attempt. He went on with his plan, and even though they had some fantastic times, after four years, the bad outweighed the good, and Gina followed in Meredith's footsteps, she cheated on him with a younger writer.

The only thing he thanked her for was at least she hadn't done it in their bed, or in front of their daughter. Another failed attempt at love, and he was back to being alone, except for a 5-year-old who was more mature than him some days. He smiled as he remembered her events, he attended every one and got hit on by tons of PTA moms, but he wasn't ready for another go at a relationship.

Then came the night of the book launch and a Detective entered his life, little did he know at first just how much she would impact him and his life. He should have played it differently, not acted like the pompous ass, the material that Gina and Paula had fertilized the public with, documented by escapades on page six weekly. He should have been sincere, but hindsight is twenty-twenty, and he couldn't change things.

He fell and fell hard for the lady who tried hard to put the shield of badass over her, inside she was just a troubled young girl who had been traumatized by her mother's murder. That was an event, not an excuse or free pass for her to treat people, mainly him the way she did. She would flirt letting him think he had a chance, then send his hopes spiraling with old boyfriends, a new Robbery Detective, and well, it was enough to make him back away. She had told him more than once it was her life, well she was right, so he left for the summer, or so he thought.

He still remembered the day everything changed, he had pulled out two partially finished Heat Novels, starting making the re-writes to shape them into the series ending novels. He was sad, hell he was more than sad, he was depressed. Invitations to parties, everyone had parties for something in the Hamptons, but he chose to stay in his office, attempting to stop the hurt his heart was feeling as he outlined the final chapters of the last novel, Extinguished Heat.

The pain felt almost real, his chest felt like it was going to burst, his skin was clammy, and all he could picture was the Detective with Deming a few blocks away doing repeats of the horizontal rumba in some rented room. At one point he remembered seeing his entire life flash in front of his eyes, some things he was proud of, most he was not. He remembered hitting the save button on the computer, then downing his three fingers of single malt whiskey, and falling to the floor.

After that, he only remembered bits and pieces, the paramedics speaking, Vinny the Scar telling one young man that if his friend died, so would he, and the frantic pace they took on with CPR. His ribs were broke, but he remembered looking down at himself, hearing Vinny talking and telling the EMTs that he was his friend, they better not let anything happen to him since "I don't got too many friends, you capish?"

He remembered the shock of the paddles and seeing himself rise up of the ground, and then again, and again till finally they loaded him into the ambulance with Vinny riding along with him. He had passed out until they got to the hospital, and he once again heard Vinny tell the admitting nurse, "Fuck your paperwork, this is my friend, he's Richard Freaking Castle, here's all you bastards want anyway" as he threw down a roll of hundred-dollar bills.

Then he heard more noises, almost like he was riding on a shopping cart, a young woman was telling him to stay calm, he had suffered a heart attack but she and her team were going to fix him up", then he blacked out, probably because of the surgery. When he woke up, he heard a woman crying softly, and holding his hand, he had to be on drugs because it sounded and looked like Kate Beckett. What the hell was she doing here? Why wasn't she with Demming? He heard her say, Rick, please hang in there, Alexis and your Mother are on their way, we all love you, fight Rick, damn it fight for me, I love you"

That had to be the drugs, no way would Kate Beckett be holding his hand, there was no way in hell the Detective would do that, and to say those words, she would have died first. He then heard his pumpkin, his pride and joy and somehow, he fought to open his eyes and she was there, along with his Mother and Beckett. They told him what happened, and that without his neighbor coming by to try to get him to go to the party he would have died for sure.

Beckett was the first to leave promising to check up on him, but she had to get back to the case she was working. He thought about the additional surgeries, and finally his Mother exploding on the doctors and flying him to John Hopkins, she apparently knew a guy. He hadn't heard a word from the Detective since she left on day one, so when he was checking himself out, he wrote her a quick note,

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**Belated Memories by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously **

_That had to be the drugs, no way would Kate Beckett be holding his hand, there was no way in hell the Detective would do that, and to say those words, she would have died first. He then heard his pumpkin, his pride and joy and somehow, he fought to open his eyes and she was there, along with his Mother and Beckett. They told him what happened, and that without his neighbor coming by to try to get him to go to the party he would have died for sure._

_Beckett was the first to leave promising to check up on him, but she had to get back to the case she was working. He thought about the additional surgeries, and finally his Mother exploding on the doctors and flying him to John Hopkins, she apparently knew a guy. He hadn't heard a word from the Detective since she left on day one, so when he was checking himself out, he wrote her a quick note, _

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 5**

**FLASHBACK Continued**

Rick was able to piece together the entire story once he had fully gained consciousness, and had sent Vinny a case of his favorite wine, with a note,

"_**Vinny,**_

_**Nothing, I could ever do could repay you for saving my life, I made sure the hospital is sending back your roll of hundreds and told them they had better be sure they were all there. Capish? Thanks for everything you did, I owe you my life, which is worth less than the wine so enjoy,**_

_**Your Friend Always,**_

_**Rick Castle**_

He remembered feeling faint on one of his walks and then waking up again after the second surgery, then he was talking to Alexis when everything went black and another surgery ensued. He knew his mother had a temper, it had not mellowed one bit with age, but she left several of the Hamptons Cardiac Ward searching for missing pieces of their ass when she finished. He remembered waking up in different surroundings, and with more machines on him than at the first hospital.

He was able to get the full story by the second day, and he was glad that Hurricane Martha hadn't lost any of her zest for protecting her family. When he discovered that he went through three additional surgeries due to the initial one nicking and artery, he contacted his attorney and filed suit, he never intended to go through with it, but it would force the hospital to face charges to the Medical Board, many of which owned properties in the Hamptons.

He didn't remember asking about the Detective, but his Mother and Daughter both tried to cover for her on separate occasions. She was so busy, a big case, and blah blah blah, the truth he arrived at was people make time for those things and others they care about, period. He also had met Linda and convinced her to stay on, since he would only be allowed to fly to England with Alexis with Medical Supervision.

As he rehabbed, both in New York, as well as England, he often wondered did he even cross her mind. He was convinced now more than ever her admission of feelings for him were out of guilt and afraid he was going to die, so it was more for her to clear her slate than express what she really felt.

As Linda and he became better acquainted, he began to confide in her, small things, but the type of things friends share. He knew it would be impossible to maintain a relationship with anyone at the 12th, especially the detective, so he began to channel his thoughts to other areas.

He began to take not only re-habilitation but also his physical status as a whole much more seriously. He and Linda began to work out together and occasionally shared a meal afterward. If taking it slow was a description their relationship could be described as a turtle running a marathon with only two good legs.

He wondered now WHY did he wait so long, to finally ask Linda for more, she wondered as well, but was quite aware of KB and the broken heart, in more than one way, she was helping to nurse back to health. They were in a good place now, and*"

"Rick, Rick, Sweetie, are you OK? I've been calling your name for at least 5 minutes, you scared me."

"I'm sorry Linda, guess I took a trip down memory lane, I get in the zone sometimes just like when I write and I'm oblivious to what's going on, I'm sorry, and I'm sorry for worrying you" he kissed her gently.

He could tell by the look on her face that she was concerned, she took him by the hand to the sofa, and gently sat with him.

"You stay here, I'll be right back" and she returned with his favorite drink and a diet cola for her, a few minutes later. "Do you want to talk about it, or let me guess what you were thinking? I'm sorry if that's being personal, but you know Rick, I can't just sit here and let you beat yourself up for things that were never your fault, to begin with."

"You're right, I guess my mind drifted further back than just KB, it went back to Kyra, then Mer, then Gina, and finally the Detective. It seems like every relationship I have had has wound up hurting more than feeling good. I tried to focus on the good times with Mer, but the sense of betrayal overshadowed all the good times we ever had. Don't get me wrong, I still love her, hell she's the mother of my child, and I won't let her go through this alone, it's just that I keep getting the feeling, well, that, eh,"

"Rick go on and say the word, then we'll talk please?" Linda's eyes were filled with tears, but now was not the time for them to be shed,

"OK, the feeling of being inadequate, why else would I be batting zero in the love life department."

"Is that how you feel Rick, or is that someway of you justifying blaming yourself for Mer's Cancer, Gina's infidelity, and KB, well whatever the hell she was trying to do. Don't you see Rick, every time, you feel it's your fault, it's NOT. You deserved better, you still deserve better, and my love for you may not be enough Rick, but I'm trying, and I promise you, I will never treat you like the others."

"Linda, did I hear you right, we haven't used that word, are you sure you want to throw that out there now?"

"If not now Rick, when will I, when or what do I have to do to prove to you that you are part of me now, I'm fine with any tittle you want to use in public, BUT I want more, I want the part the others threw away. I want you to know, and feel just how loved you are, by me and by many others" the tears began to fall now, try as she might, she couldn't hold them back.

He held her in his arms for the longest time, gently rubbing her back and whispering in her ear that it would be all right. Finally, she composed herself and not waiting or putting him on the spot to respond, said,

"Come on, we have some shopping to do for Mer, and I don't want her to be alone too much, if the news from the CAT scan is bad, we should be there"

"You're something else, always worried about others, and you tell me what I do, you're worse. Linda, we'll talk, but I don't want to do it when emotions are this raw, I've screwed up three relationships, including two marriages, so I need to have my head on straight before I say something that will hurt you or worse, lead you on"

She leaned in, took his face gently and kissed him sweetly, "Later Rick, you'll know when the time is right" then grabbed her purse and phone.

Xx

**City of Hope Hospital**

**Los Angeles CA**

**Meredith Castle Room # 427**

**4:45 PM Same Day**

As the walked back into the hospital, Linda was smiling, she had found four gowns she thought Mer would love, and also picked up a bedside cosmetic kit, complete with lips, eyes, and nail components. Like she had told Rick, it's there for incentive more than anything else, another statement of you aren't different, everything is the same, you're a beautiful woman who has cancer. Rick's eyes had teared as Linda excitedly picked out the items then paid for them, she would not allow Rick to pay for anything, this was her gift to Mer.

They reached her room, and she was sitting up in bed, her hair the way Rick remembered, and a light coating of makeup, it took 10 years away from her appearance. "Hey Mer, we're back you ready for some company?" Linda asked,

"Come on in Sister, and bring that lug with you if you must she laughed. Her spirits had certainly improved since the morning.

As they approached her, Rick could see a glow around her, like she had gotten her confidence back, he leaned in to kiss her cheek, but she grabbed his lips for a short sweet kiss, whispering "Thanks Rick, not many men can put up with me, I do love you, and I'm sorry for hurting you" he kissed her back and replied, "Forgiven a long time ago, and I never stopped loving you" that made her smile widen even farther.

Linda hugged her gently, then opened the bag, Rick might as well been a chair, with all of the "ooh, I love that, and wow that's so cute, I love it, going on" He smiled, since usually, Mer was not this realistic. The old Mer would have looked to be polite, said Thanks once and threw the bag to the side to deal with later. This version of Mer truly did appreciate the time and effort Linda put in shopping for her, as well as the bedside cosmetic kit.

"Linda, you are just too sweet, you knew what I needed, and I didn't have to say a word," Mer said as she hugged Linda

"All of the gowns are perfect, and if you will help me, I'd like to put one on now, no peeking Richard, the bottom half is still the same" as she giggled and Rick drew the curtain around the bed.

A few minutes later they returned and Linda opened the curtain once Mer had been settled in. She looked so much better, and to see her smile as opposed to the crying mass they had seen this morning was worth every penny.

"Thanks, Linda, Thanks Rick, they're beautiful but expensive."

"Linda bought them Mer, she's independent that way, and she wanted you to know that you're still beautiful, just a woman fighting cancer like many others."

Tears came to Mer's eyes and she hugged Linda a little tighter and longer than normal, but she had he swagger back now. Rick looked on as his companion and first ex-wife formed a bond that would last till the end.

Linda asked her some more direct questions now that she was able to talk without crying, and although she had her breasts removed, no plastic surgery had been scheduled.

"Well Sweetie, that's good, I won't say how, but I know a Doctor who will make you look and feel better than you did when you first hit Hollywood"

Mer looked at her, and then her breasts, back to her face, back to the breasts and finally she said, "Richard, correct me if I'm wrong but those are all hers no silicone in this Sister, am I right?"

"Now Mer, how would I know, besides it's not right to pass along information like that as he winked at Linda and she nodded"

"Oh, Please Richard, when did you get to be a prude, if you haven't slept with this beautiful woman, you may have jumped to the other side"

"Hey, Hey, enough of that, and yes they are all hers, completely natural" as the ladies laughed at Rick's expense.

The laughter had just died down when they heard a knock on the door, it was the Oncologist with the results from the last CAT scan.

"We'll give you some privacy Mer"

"Oh, Please Richard we were married for God's sake, and Linda's a nurse, we might need her here to translate" as she winked at them both.

"Doctor, please meet Richard Castle, my ex-husband and famous author and his girlfriend Linda, you know I never got your last name Linda"

"It's Crane, half the time Rick doesn't remember it anyway so mostly it's just Rick and Linda, she smiled"

The doctor shook their hands and Rick could tell that the news he was about to deliver was not good.

"Mrs. Castle, eh, sorry Meredith, the scan revealed that cancer has spread throughout most of your internal organs, including kidneys, liver, and pancreas, we were afraid of the growth once we determined the strain of cancer, I'm very sorry, with a heightened dose of chemotherapy and radiation you might have a year, perhaps 18 months tops." He looked down to the ground when he finished speaking

"How long without any more treatment Doctor, how long would I have then?"

"Mer, any estimate we give is just that an estimate, but I would say perhaps 4-6 months, more. The positive side of that is you wouldn't feel the sickness I know Chemo and Radiation bring, you would be almost back to you for the first 3-4 months. Why don't you think about it and let us know?"

"I don't need to think about it, when can I be discharged, if I have 3 months, I'm starting to live it now.

"Well, there's really nothing else we can do for you except prescribe pain pills for the times it gets unbearable, I could have you discharged within the hour but where will you go?"

Linda spoke up, looking at Rick, "She's coming with us, I'm a nurse and Rick is her ex-husband, I'm sure she wants to see her daughter and meet her son-in-law so times wasting"

The doctor left to discharge Meredith, and Rick looked over at Linda, who now was hoping she hadn't put her foot in her mouth for good.

"Thanks for saying what I was thinking Linda, you're right, we'll go back let Mer have a shopping trip win Alexis, perhaps LeCerc for dinner one night and burgers from Remy's while she can still enjoy them."

Mer began to cry, so Rick sat down on the bed to hold her, "Hey, hey, what's with the waterworks?"

"I'm happy, and so thankful to you both, I was dying to see Alexis and meet Ron,"

"Well, it's settled. You come back to our villa tonight, and we'll leave tomorrow for New York, OK?"

She pulled them both into her, kissed Rick, then Linda on the cheek, "Sounds fantastic."

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

**Belated Memories by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously **

"_Mrs. Castle, eh, sorry Meredith, the scan revealed that cancer has spread throughout most of your internal organs, including kidneys, liver, and pancreas, we were afraid of the growth once we determined the strain of cancer, I'm very sorry, with a heightened dose of chemotherapy and radiation you might have a year, perhaps 18 months tops." He looked down to the ground when he finished speaking_

"_How long without any more treatment Doctor, how long would I have then?"_

"_Mer, any estimate we give is just that an estimate, but I would say perhaps 4-6 months, more. The positive side of that is you wouldn't feel the sickness I know Chemo and Radiation bring, you would be almost back to you for the first 3-4 months. Why don't you think about it and let us know?"_

"_I don't need to think about it, when can I be discharged, if I have 3 months, I'm starting to live it now._

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 6**

Rick wasn't surprised, nor could he blame Meredith, she had suffered enough already and would additional suffering be worth 1 maybe 2 more months of quality of life? The tough part was the talk with Alexis, she needed to know the truth, the entire truth and it should come from her mother. Rick was lost in thought how to bring it up when he heard,

"Richard, Richard, CINAMON" Mer said the last word very loudly and Rick snapped back to the present time.

"What's going on," he asked

"Well, you had zoned out and I used the code word we came up with when we were married to see if it still worked, and it did, you snapped back" Mer was smiling and trying to let Linda know that was oh so long ago.

Linda wasn't that insecure, she knew about Meredith, the entire story, but she wasn't about to be all clingy and possessive, with Rick, they had history and they should be able to talk about it comfortably.

Rick glanced nervously over to Linda, who blew him a kiss and smiled. His relief was instantaneous, and he came back with "That still worked Mer, even after all this time?"

"Well either it worked, or you were checking out the legs on the nurse who just went out of sight, either way, you're back with us" and the easy banter was back, no one acting like she was the fragile piece of china.

"OK, between getting caught checking out another woman's legs or lost in memories I'm going with the latter, I'm not stupid and Linda can hit pretty hard" he smiled

The car service picked them up, Mer, still bitching about hospital policy, having to be wheeled out in a wheelchair, but they knew she was weak from the treatments and tests she had undergone.

"Mer, when did you have your mastectomy done and have you been cleared for implants yet?" Linda asked as she took her hand once inside the limo and the glass was raised for privacy.

"I had it done 7 weeks ago, but they weren't happy how I was healing so I wasn't approved for implants until this week. I really don't think we need to spend Rick's money on two bags of silicone that will only be used for a few months. I was thinking about going with the high-end bra with the supports already included in the cup, no one is going to get that close to know the difference anyway unless I've had a ton of booze" She laughed,

"You know I know just the store in New York, we can get you outfitted in an afternoon. One of my friends owns it and sells only by appointment, so I promise you, only those you tell will know" Linda smiled,

"Rick, I just can't believe she is so nice, even being with you, how long, hell you might have broken the record for longest relationships with this lug Linda" as she playfully smacked Rick's arm as he feigned hurt.

"Maybe, but I think I'll keep him, no reason to look for the rest when you got the best" as she leaned in and kissed him sweetly,

"Mer, I do have one request from you, I know it's going to be hard, maybe the hardest thing you've ever done, but*"

"Richard, I'm going to tell Alexis, as soon as we arrive and get settled, I wanted to have a woman to woman with her, since I gave up any rights of motherhood a long time ago. I'm just so blessed to have her still in my life, and I know, many times it was because of you, so if I have never said it, I'll say it now, Thanks Rick, she has brought us both so much joy."

Rick and Linda both breathed a sigh of relief, both dreaded the thought of either one of them bearing the horrible news. It was best if it came from Mer, with support from them.

Xx

When they had gotten to the villa Rick had rented, they had a call with Alexis to let her know they would be returning to New York, and her mother would tell her everything then. It wasn't said, but Alexis was old enough to know that she was coming home to say one last Good-bye, or even perhaps to die. Meredith was the one to try to keep things on the lighter side, without a lot of success but at least it wasn't total doom and gloom

Shortly after the call, Mer showed the signs of a very taxing day and Linda assisted her to the guest bedroom to lie down for a nap. They would let her wake and get her senses about her before planning dinner. When Linda returned from the guest room, she could see the tears in Rick's eyes, as she silently went to him, pulled his head to her breast and whispered, "If you need to cry Sweetie, now's the time. I know you won't do it in front of the Reds" as she had taken to calling Alexis and Meredith because of the shared hair color.

He slipped his arms around her and wept, silently as he could, but he needed to let the grief out, he had been acting as the strong one for too long, and Linda was worried about him. She whispered to him as she held him, rocking ever so gently, "I think you and Mer need to talk, alone, to be sure there isn't anything you will wish you had said, or sorry that you did after it's too late.

I understand Sweetie, I do, so don't try to spare my feelings during this time. What kind of woman would be jealous of a memory, soon that's all any of us will have of her, so Rick, be sure you are good with her, and she with you. Don't let anything go unsaid if it's needed, please?"

Rick pulled his head back to look into her eyes, "You really don't know just how special you are do you? Thank You, for me, for Mer, and for Alexis. This could have turned out so much different, but you're right, I do need to talk to her, and before we get back to New York."

"Well after dinner if she feels like talking, I'll take a stroll down main street, I need to pick up a souvenir or something for Lex, take as much time as you need and just text me when it's safe, I love you but I don't want to take a punch for you" she laughed.

Xx

Rick and Linda sat together, listening to music low so not to disturb Meredith when they heard her voice singing along so beautifully, help me make it through the night, an oldie from the '80s but quite appropriate for what was going on. Linda turned the volume down a notch and said loud enough for Mer to hear, "If you're up come on out and sing for us in person", then turned to see Meredith walking through the hall, a sense of joy around her.

"You know Mer, I never heard you sing, all the time we were together, Why Not?" Rick asked,

"Well, the parts that paid the best didn't involve a lot of singing, come to think of it if we are getting real, they didn't require a lot of skill acting either, as long as you were willing to show the skin others weren't."

"Hey don't sell yourself short Meredith, you had some great parts, and you were nominated for an Emmy once."

"Yeah, and if you could have bought it, I would have won it that year. Did you think I never knew how many independent films suddenly had openings for my talents, something else I owe you for Rick. You allowed me to keep my dignity, even after how badly I hurt you. I know it's late, but I want you to know I'm sorry, I was so caught up in success, I never knew the cost, you, Lexi, and someone who was with me through the highs and lows."

"I think I'll step out for a bit and let you two talk, I have to pick up dinner and somethings for tomorrow anyway." Linda said as she kissed Rick's cheek and silently went out the door"

Rick stood up and assisted Meredith to the couch beside him. "She's a good woman Rick, you did good," Mer smiled,

"Yes, she is, kind, considerate, and full of the same values. She was a God Send for Alexis during, well as she became a young lady." He smiled and flushed a shade of red remembering how he had dreaded the talk about hygiene products with his little girl.

"Well, I know I don't deserve the love you both are showing me, but I have to tell you this, without it, I don't think I could face the fate that is going to hit me soon. I just hope I can hold up for Alexis, even as bad a Mom I was, she still loved me, and I need to say I'm sorry for all of the broken dates, the times I said I would be there for her and wasn't, and most of all, for the way I struck back at you when it was myself I was angry at. I am sorry Rick, I truly am" as tears fell from her eyes,

Rick quietly picked her up and placed her on his lap, he was surprised at how he could feel her bones through her clothes, "Mer, this may be the last time we get the chance to square things between us. For every time I hurt you, whether I knew it or not, I'm sorry, forgive me. For every time I disappointed you as your husband, forgive me. For every time I used Alexis against you, I am ashamed to admit I have, I'm sorry, and I ask, please forgive me. Linda told me to be sure that we didn't leave anything unsaid, now is the time as she put it, to be able to answer yes when I ask, Are we good?"

She laid her head on his shoulder, through her tears she said, "You know Rick when we were good, we were really good. I know we could have been something better if I hadn't messed it up, I'm sorry. For the infidelity, which I know hurt you more than anything, I am truly sorry. For trying to turn your potential girlfriends against you, sabotaging your love life, I am sorry.

I know I screwed things up between you and your Detective, and for that, I am truly sorry, she hurt you more than you want to let on and part of it is my fault, I gave her the ammunition. I hope you can find peace with her, and forgive me, I know I have hurt you and I want to make it right if I can, or at the very least apologize sincerely.

Rick wiped her eyes with his hankie and smiled at her. "So, Mer, are we good?"

She smiled through her tears, hugged him tightly, and whispered, "We're good Rick, so much more than good, Thank You love." He held her until she wanted to move, then gently set her on the couch.

"You know Linda is one smart lady, if we had talked like that when we were married, we may have been able to make it through the world's troubles, she's a real lady Rick. I know it's none of my business, but don't make her into your role with the Detective, it's not fair to her, or you. I'm sorry I should have kept my mouth shut, but if you're happy, then that will make this a lot easier."

"It's OK Mer, I know what you're saying and why, we're getting there, but I don't want to promise something I can't deliver. I love her, I do, but I need to get KB out of my heart, it's not fair to Linda to have to share it with her."

"Good thought Rick, just don't wait too long, I know, I thought I had a lifetime and it's ironical how life sneaks up on you"

She leaned in and kissed his lips gently, "Thank You, Rick, I can go to my grave knowing that at one time in my life, I was loved, truly loved."

"Hey you getting hungry yet, if I know Linda she's starved, so we better order. I'll text her; do you have a taste for anything?"

"Chinese?" Mer said timidly,

Rick texted Linda, who called back immediately, "You'll never guess where I am at, never mind just tell me what Mer wants, I'm outside a Chinese Restaurant when I got your text."

Xx

Dinner was good, and all were tired so they decided to go to bed early since they were flying out tomorrow. Rick had brought his private plane in, just to avoid the jostle and bumping Mer would need to endure on a commercial flight. It would be her last flight home, so the least he could do was make it comfortable. The talk with Alexis was the one heavy thought on everyone's mind, they'd deal with it tomorrow.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

**Belated Memories** **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously **

"_It's OK Mer, I know what you're saying and why, we're getting there, but I don't want to promise something I can't deliver. I love her, I do, but I need to get KB out of my heart, it's not fair to Linda to have to share it with her."_

"_Good thought Rick, just don't wait too long, I know, I thought I had a lifetime and it's ironical how life sneaks up on you"_

_She leaned in and kissed his lips gently, "Thank You, Rick, I can go to my grave knowing that at one time in my life, I was loved, truly loved."_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 7**

**FLASHBACK 4 Years, **

**Beckett's Activity During this time,**

**(Month TWO of Rick's Departure)**

Kate knew that she should have visited, or at the least called Rick, he almost died for God's sake. She had been working 12-16-hour days if anyone would understand it would be Rick, or so she thought. She finally took time to visit him, only to find his note, telling her to choose life, the road she was taking was too high priced for her to have anything but regrets later in life.

She could still recall the burn of embarrassment when the nurse told her he had been gone for three weeks, but he realized how busy she was so he left an envelope for her. At first, her heart fluttered with joy, see, he did understand until she read the words on the paper. She left the hospital vowing to make it right, Rick was her partner and she really dropped the ball with him.

Had it really been that long since she had even picked up the phone to call him? Why the hell didn't he call her, he was the one with time on his hands she thought for a minute, then settled down, realizing it was she that said I'll call you and once again never did. She gently took out the envelope and pulled the single sheet of paper to read his words once again, he hadn't really said Goodbye, he couldn't have.

"_Dear Kate,_

_I guess it was too much to ask of you to chase happiness, well as you've told me, countless times, IT's MY LIFE CASTLE" and you're right, so I hope you find the answers the mysteries you are chasing, but even more I wish you Love in your life. Someday you'll understand, perhaps, but again, I'm not going to stick around and see you get yourself killed. This is Goodbye, sorry it had to be like this, but one close call to death is all this heart can take, _

_Good Luck Detective,_

_Rick Castle,_

Perhaps in her mind he would always be there, in his chair next to her, where he belonged, but in real life, even famous authors have feelings and breaking points, and she realized she had hit his with as she read the words, This is Goodbye, he never used that word, it was always till tomorrow, or Goodnight, never Goodbye, well until now.

She picked up her phone and pressed a speed dial button, up came the face of her writer, but the message on the phone frightened her more than ever. "You have reached a number that has been changed to an unlisted number per the subscriber's request. Please hang up and dial the new number, or disconnect and refrain from calling this party."

Reeling from the message she had just received, she tried his alternate number, the landline at the Loft. It rang, so thank God she wasn't blocked from this line. He must have had a breach in his cell phone again, and had to change it, he would give it to her when he saw her, that's what happened.

"Hello, Martha Rogers speaking"

"Hi Martha, this is Detective, I mean Kate Beckett, may I speak to Rick?"

"I'm sorry Detective but that's not possible, he's not here and won't be for the foreseeable future." Her normal warm reception, the word Katherine replaced by Detective, things were not going well.

"Well, may I ask where he's at, it's not his heart again is it?"

"I can assure you, Detective, his health is fine, and being watched closely, as for his location, he has asked that he be the only one to advise where he is at or what his current project entails. Is there anything else I can assist you with Detective?"

"Can you give him a message for me please Martha, I mean I know I should have come to see him; I should have at least called and I'm sorry, work was just so busy, time got away from me."

"I promised my Son that I would not interfere with his business, so no Detective, I won't relay any messages, and you're correct, you should have done those things and more, you were his partner, at least that's what my son believed until well, water over the damn now, Good Day Detective" as the line went dead.

What the hell just happened? Kate sat in shock, Rick changed his number, and Martha who had always treated her more like a daughter was cold, very cold. Then she thought what the hell do you expect, you lied to her son, again. Martha was a lot of things but there was no doubt she loved her son and family and would defend them to the death.

Kate reeling from the rebuke thought what the hell, she dialed a number she always hated to see come up on her caller ID.

"Paula Haas speaking, what do you want Detective?" all in one crisp nasal tone,

"Hi Paula, I was just wondering if you had a way to get in touch with Rick, I tried his cell and it seems like he had been hacked again and changed it to an unlisted number."

"His phone wasn't hacked Detective, he changed it over a month ago, right before he checked out of the hospital, I remember because I had to bring his new one to him and change our records for those, he wanted to have the new number"

"I didn't get the new number Paula", Kate started to explain before Paula cut her off.

"Yeah, I know, as I said Ricky gave me the list to give the number to, you didn't make the list, in fact, none of those at the 12th precinct did." She said, not arrogant but in a tone to let Kate know the subject was closed.

"Well if you talk to him would you give him a message for me please?"

"I think I know what it is and NO, I won't get in the middle of you two, the last time I said something about you I almost lost my job. Ricky is very slow to anger, but he was pissed at me for weeks. Find another way Detective" Goodbye, as she hung up before Kate got out

"Thanks anyway"

Damn, why the hell was everyone shutting her out, hell she had a job to do, she solved murders, people should understand that she didn't have a 9 to 5 job, she had responsibilities she thought for a moment. Then even she didn't believe it, she lied or broke a promise again.

Hell, he never even knew that she broke up with Deming, he never asked, but in his defense, he almost died. If she had been his true partner she would have stayed, she would have been with him through all of his surgeries, not just the first one then run away.

She knew that any points she had earned with Alexis had gone out the window the minute she broke her promise. In fact, she had even called Kate when her Dad needed the additional surgeries, she was scared and thinking back she should have been there for the young girl. Alexis had looked up to her, almost as a hero, for being with her Dad, while they were en route to the Hamptons, then she was too busy, the story of her life she thought.

Well, she had already been shot down by two of the women in his life, might as well try all of them, regardless of how distasteful the thought was. She pulled out her phone, searched her contacts and then called a number she would rather have taken a beating than speak to,

"Gina Cowell, how can I help you, Detective?"

"Hi Gina, I'm trying to get in touch with Rick, but not having any luck. I tried his cell and he changed his number, and, eh, well*"

"Martha and Paula won't give the new number to you, am I correct? So, you thought I would, since you think he and I hate each other, am I, close Detective?"

"No Gina, I never said or thought you hated each other, I know you clashed from time to time but that wasn't any of my business. You're right, I did try Martha and Paula, and you're my last hope. I promised Rick I would be back or at least call, and I was so caught up*"

"Save it, Kate, it's the same story we've heard for years, work is the only thing you are dedicated to enough to put EVERYONE in your rear-view mirror for. I have his number but I won't give it out, he's writing, and I'm getting my chapters actually ahead of schedule so there's no reason for me to call. He's much easier to manage now that he's away from you than he ever was before. Whatever you did Detective, it changed him, in a big way."

"Gina, you know that Rick and I work well together, and well, I miss him, I actually need him, to*"

"You're a year late and telling the wrong person, what do you need him for Kate, to fetch coffee, I think that was one of your conversations that Rick and I discussed. You're wrong along with the rest of the world, I don't hate Rick, I love him, and he still loves me, but not enough to make a marriage work. NO, I won't give you his number, nor will I tell him anything that you wish to pass along.

Do you know what it's like to have to read love letters to you, him sitting next to you day in and day out, every book was a fucking love letter to you. Are you that blind, or did you think he wrote that to every one of his muses? Our marriage is over, but I can't turn off the love for him and I'll be damned if I put more bullets in the gun you use to shoot him down every time you can."

"Gina, I, eh, well I thought he was going to die that night in the Hamptons, I really thought I had lost him, I love him, but he never heard me say it, he doesn't even know that I broke up with the Robbery Detective. That was the biggest mistake I've ever made, well next to this one."

"Kate, I feel for you, but I know what your answer would be had I treated him the way you have for the last two years, but my answer isn't no" she paused and Kate's hopes rose, then the hammer came, It's HELL NO". The line clicked and Kate knew she was sitting there getting prepared to beg dead air.

Kate was in a tailspin, God she had fucked this up for good now. He wasn't in New York, Martha, Paula, and Gina would go to their graves before helping her again, so what the hell can she do now?

She dialed a number, hoping she was right about his instincts. Three rings later, the phone was answered,

"Ryan" came the young Irishman's voice

"Kev, It's Kate, are you at the precinct? I know you were upset last night that the paperwork got behind"

"Am I really that easy to read, yes Kate, I'm here got about another half hour then I can come in with a clean desk."

"Can I ask you a favor, and please keep this between us, please?"

"Sure Kate, what is it?"

"Can you do a deep dive into Castle's financials, phone, and emails? Before you ask, he's not in trouble but he changed his phone number, and I got told off by the three women in his life who would have it."

"Kate, please don't tell me you didn't go back or call him after all he went through? We were waiting for him to heal before we invited him out for a boy's night, but you said he's gone, what does that mean?"

"Exactly what it says Kev, and please no one knows I fucked up more than me"

"Jesus Kate, the man almost died, then had three more surgeries. I know you went through hell the first night, WHY Kate, Why, and don't tell me how busy we've been. He was always there for us, day or night, what the hell does that say to him about all of us?"

"I'm sorry Kev, I really am, but I did exactly what you said" the young man was pissed and let her know it,

"OK Kate, I'll do it, but just for the record, don't ask me to do shit like this again, no matter how clear it is to the rest of us, you still walk around in your own world. Rick loves you; he's loved you for a long time, everyone sees it but you.

Where the hell do you come off necking with Deming in the stairwell, I know you knew Rick would see you. Were you trying some high school prank that would make him jealous? Well, it was stupid, and now we've lost a great friend." He was pissed and letting her have it,

After a few moments of silence, he finally said, "I'll call you IF I find anything, but if Rick doesn't want to be found it's not going to be easy" and then hung up.

Well, she thought, four out of four, and she deserved what she got. She did kiss Deming hoping to make Rick jealous, and there was no excuse for not taking five minutes to check on Rick, especially after the additional surgeries, hell she was praying and admitted she loved him the night of the heart attack. Where did her concern go? How did she fall back into the trap that Castle will always be here for me? She knew in her heart that it scared her, but also that she loved the writer and she would do anything to get him back, a task harder than she first thought.

She turned, poured herself a glass of wine, of course, it was from Rick, who else could it be from on a day like today. She began to cry, and then pressed the remote for the stereo, out came a song she didn't know, but she just couldn't change the channel, it was Country, she listened to that when she was drinking, usually not any other time since so many songs were sad.

The words matched her mood as the tears fell faster and harder, with each verse, it was almost as if they had put her life down on paper and set it to music,

Going Where the Lonely Go

Merle Haggard

Rollin' with the flow  
Going where the lonely go  
Anywhere the lights are low  
Going where the lonely go

Making up things to do  
Not running in all directions, trying to find you  
I'm just rollin' with the flow  
Going where the lonely go

And I've got to keep goin'  
I can't lay down  
Sleep won't hardly come  
Where there's loneliness all around

I've got to keep goin'  
Traveling down this lonesome road  
And I'll be rollin' with the flow  
Goin' where the lonely go

I've got to keep goin'  
I can't lay down  
Sleep won't hardly come  
Where there's loneliness all around

I've got to keep goin'  
Traveling down this lonesome road  
And I'll be rollin' with the flow  
Goin' where the lonely go


	8. Chapter 8

**Belated Memories by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously **

"_Save it, Kate, it's the same story we've heard for years, work is the only thing you are dedicated to enough to put EVERYONE in your rear-view mirror for. I have his number but I won't give it out, he's writing, and I'm getting my chapters actually ahead of schedule so there's no reason for me to call. He's much easier to manage now that he's away from you than he ever was before. Whatever you did Detective, it changed him, in a big way."_

"_Gina, you know that Rick and I work well together, and well, I miss him, I actually need him, to*"_

"_You're a year late and telling the wrong person, what do you need him for Kate, to fetch coffee, I think that was one of your conversations that Rick and I discussed. You're wrong along with the rest of the world, I don't hate Rick, I love him, and he still loves me, but not enough to make a marriage work. NO, I won't give you his number, nor will I tell him anything that you wish to pass along. _

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 8**

**FLASHBACK 4 Years, (Month SIX of Rick's Departure)**

**Kate's POV**

Kevin had been correct; Castle knew how to cover his tracks. The only financials that could be found were for Martha and they were either local or coincided with her Theater Company tour schedule. There was nothing to lead them to Rick. She had even run Alexis, and it was strange that there had been zero activity since the day before her Dad checked out of the hospital. It was almost like they had disappeared in plain sight.

Things at work hadn't been any better, the boys were pissed at her, Roy avoided her as much as possible since he was up to his ass in trying to make do with limited resources. No one, absolutely no one but Roy knew how much Rick had funded the precinct. He had even murmured something about retiring, and something told her this time he would go through with it.

Lanie hounded her weekly to go out, some weekends she went just to appease her friend, then they would go weeks without anything. Apparently Javi and Lanie were one of those on again off again romances, and the only time she went out was to piss him off. She went through the motions, her heart wasn't in it, and frankly, the club scene usually yielded the same results. Boyfriends or Husbands looking for action on the side, or losers no one would want.

Not to say that there wasn't an occasional booty call for her as well, but she had conditions. It never was at her apartment, they never knew her real name or profession, and if Lanie ever mentioned it to anyone, she would rat her out to Javi who thought he was the only one visiting Lanie's virtues, how wrong that poor bastard was. She thought about Rick often, even when she was alone in her apartment, that was always the worst.

She did what she always did when she hurt, threw herself into her work, but even that wasn't working, she was miserable and miserable to others. Roy had even suspended her for a week and told her to get her head out of her ass, if she was moaning the loss of Castle, to think why he was gone in the first place and stop treating others as the reason he left when all she needed to do was look in the mirror.

She contacted Doctor Burke and got back into therapy before she lost everything she had left. If she thought about it, her career was all she was holding on to, through no fault of anyone but hers. Roy suspending her was a shock, he'd always been her supporter, her mentor, and had turned his head more than a few times in the past. That shock was nothing to what was to come, a month later.

She was reading a book, one about Russian literature during the turn of the century, the TV set was on for noise to keep her from going crazy with the silence when she looked up to see the headline and newscaster break into the program.

"_**We apologize for the interruption to our regularly scheduled program, but New Yorkers, as well as theater fans around the world, will be shocked to learn of the passing of Ms. Martha Rogers, New York's own leading lady of theater and entertainment. **_

_**Ms. Rogers was traveling to Chicago along with her theater group for their opening tomorrow night and suffered a stroke. EMT's tried desperately to revive the 68-year-old actress, without success. Ms. Rogers was pronounced DOA at Chicago Memorial Hospital at 6:40 PM, EST. She is survived by her son, Richard Castle, best selling author, and her granddaughter who she idolized, Ms. Alexis Castle.**_

_**Mr. Castle couldn't be reached for comment, but his publicist, Miss Paula Hass issued a statement on behalf of the family that read,**_

"_**On behalf of Mr. Richard Castle, Miss Alexis Castle, and all of Ms. Roger's friends, fans and loved ones we ask for prayers for the family as we mourn a loss that can never be replaced. Anyone remotely familiar with this family knows the close bond each has for the other, we request you respect the family's privacy. Further details will be released as they become available. Thank you for honoring the family's wishes in this time of shock and sorrow."**_

_**Once again, we pass along our condolences to Ms. Rogers's family and friends, we have truly lost a treasure to the fine arts. Once again, Martha Rogers, stage and screen star is dead at age 68. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program"**_

Kate sat for a minute, just staring at the screen, had she heard correctly, Martha, the lady so full of life, never one to pass up an opportunity to enjoy herself was gone. Oh my God, this was going to devastate Rick and Alexis, she thought just as her phone rang,

"Kate, do you have the television on?" Lanie asked, tears in her voice,

"Yeah, I just saw it, I still can't believe it, Lanie, Martha was so full of life, hell I thought she was younger, this is going to kill Rick and Alexis"

"I'm glad you saw it, I just burst out crying and I wasn't as close to her, the family like you. Kate tell me the truth, are you doing OK? Don't lie to me, please."

"I don't know Lanie, it still hasn't registered, I'm just worried about Rick and Alexis, you know how close the family is."

"If I know Rick, he's kicking himself and taking all the blame as if him being with her would have stopped her from having the stroke. He'll take it very hard, so if you can, make it as easy on him as you can Kate."

"What do you mean Lanie, you want me to stay away from the services, from him and the family, that would hurt them both more is that what you are asking?"

"Of course not, just watch his body language, and Kate, he may not be as ready to forgive you as you are to reunite, he's hurt, and now this,

"Lanie, do you think he really is still hurt that bad, really?"

"Kate, do you even have to ask that question, just be mindful please, he's more than just your friend, he's our's as well."

Xx

**Three Days Later**

**JFK Airport**

Kate returned to work the next day, numb, going through the motions, she couldn't get her thoughts away from Rick. The following days were no better, Roy was very upset, thinking he had let Rick down somehow, and the boys, well they were worried about as they called them, both Castles, big and little. The TV was on in the bullpen when Javi saw the newsflash, and quickly turned the volume up, as everyone stopped to watch and listen to the newscaster.

_**"Just in from JFK International, WLTF reporter Jameson Hardy is standing by with the latest details concerning Mr. Rick Castle and family after the huge loss of his mother. Jameson,**_

_**"Thanks Barry, I'm standing outside the International Terminal here at JFK where moments ago the plane bringing Richard Castle, his daughter, Alexis, publisher, and ex-wife Gina Cowell, along with a mystery woman, we have labeled Lady X, until we are able to identify her back to New York to arrange the final arrangements for his mother, Stage Icon, Martha Rogers. We are working on trying to identify the mystery lady and firm up the details of the trip home.**_

_**We do know that the flight originated from London, it's not clear if Mr. Castle was in a different location and flew to Oxford where Ms. Castle is a freshman at Oxford University, or if his ex-wife or Lady X accompanied him." Mr. Castle and his party were immediately surrounded by his security force and escorted to his limo, where we are assuming will take them to the family residence on Broome Street.**_

_**Fans of both Mr. Castle as well as Ms. Rogers have lined two city blocks around his building with candles, signs and flowers showing their support to Mr. Castle as well as honoring one of New York's finest actors, Ms. Rogers. We contacted Paula Haas, Mr. Castle's publicist concerning any details concerning the services, and she did advise there would be both a public and private service, per Ms. Rogers request. Details will follow when we know more, Back to you Barry,"**_

_**"Thanks Jameson, truly a sad time for all of New York, Rest in Peace Ms. Rogers you will be missed"** _turning to other news," Javi muted the channel again. The bullpen was as if time stood still, there wasn't a sound from anyone until the blaring of a desk telephone jerked everyone back to reality.

Javi and Kevin surrounded Kate, "Hey Boss, you OK?"

"Yeah, thanks guys, I'm fine, well a hell of a lot better than Rick and Alexis, God my heart hurts for them both" as tears fell from her eyes and she headed to the lady's room with Lanie just behind her.

"That's got to suck, the last time she saw Rick he was the one that almost died, not once but three times, and now this? She's gotta be kicking herself for not keeping in touch, what's it been 6 months since she last saw or talked to him, and even then, he was just out of surgery." Kevin was the sensitive partner, Javi, not so much

"Lanie talked to her already, I guess she really messed Big Castle up when she left for the Hamptons with Deming, he wasn't in the Hamptons with anyone, he was alone. His neighbor was bugging him to go to a party, and went for one last pitch, when he found him, if not for him, Rick would have been dead.

Deming and she had a huge fight, she had just gotten home by herself when the hospital called her, guess Rick had her as his ICE contact, she was the one who notified little Castle and Martha. She stayed right with him until they made it in, even thru the surgery she flashed her badge, wore a gown and mask and just sat with him in the recovery room."

"God Javi, she was over halfway there, why the hell couldn't she just do what she said she would, a fucking call, five minutes and everything would have been different. Now Rick is coming home to face someone he loved almost more than life itself, and burry his mother, not cool bro, we gotta be there for him, somehow."

Xx

"Mr. Castle?" Duane, one of Rick's most trusted drivers paged from the front seat.

"What is it Duane" Rick was holding one of Alexis's hands as he pressed the intercom, Gina the other and Linda was watching Rick very carefully for any sign of distress."

"Reports from your residence that over two blocks are already lined with well-wishers Sir, is there an alternate location you wish to go to?"

"The Cabin Rick" Gina had spoken so quickly,

"The Cabin Gina? We haven't been there since eh, well in a long time" Rick stumbled,

"Exactly Rick, if we don't show up at the Loft you know they will just move to my place since I was identified being with you, no one knows the Cabin, or it's history but the two of us and it's only an hour away."

"Duane, do you remember Gina's Cabin location?" Rick asked,

"Of course, Sir, we can be there in approximately 47 minutes if you would like to go, I have an additional car with doubles going to the Loft to throw off the paparazzi, and we will be out of their radar by the time they discover the switch"

"Thank You, Duane, that would be great, and also big thanks for the decoy, I don't think any of us are ready to face cameras or microphones stuck in our faces."

"Duane, this is Gina, I had a back entrance built if you take the exit before, you can see the drive looping in from the back, it might divert any of those that might still be trying to follow us."

"Thanks, Ms. Gina, it certainly will,"

"When did you do that?" Rick looked confused,

"You're going to think it's stupid, but I come up here every year the week of our anniversary, always wondering did we work harder at ending it than we ever did in keeping us together. One year I got stuck the drive goes over the creek, but that year the creek was a river. I spent a week and a half then had the back drive put in on the higher ground, just like we had talked about, another thing you were right about." As she lowered her head, Alexis pulled her in and laid her head on her shoulder. She hadn't said a word since they landed, for fear of breaking down.

"Alexis, Baby, it's OK to cry, we all do when sad things happen, I cried for weeks when I lost my Nana, I was never close to my Mom, but I cried when she passed as well, it's natural," Linda said, trying to encourage the young lady.

"Thanks, Linda, but I bet you weren't my age when that happened," Alexis said sadly as she turned to face her,

"No Baby, I wasn't it happened last year before I met your Dad and you, they were the only two people that I lived for and both were taken within a month of each other, so yes, all females cry, it's our right to do so, at even dumb sad movies sometimes." As she started to take her hand, then realized she was hugging her, her tears fell as soon as her head was on her shoulder

"It's OK Baby, I'm sure your Grams would cry if it had been one of you two, so you go ahead and cry, I got you, and I'm here if you need me." Linda had a way of relaxing everyone, even reaching out and handing Gina a tissue, then taking her hand as she sobbed silently. This next week was going to be hell for the entire family, she only hoped she could be there when they needed her.

**Author's Note: This is the 6 months after Rick originally left, he still has 3 ½ years left to bring him up to the timeline of Meredith coming home with them to say goodbye. Sometime Flashbacks are tricky, just to keep this straight. Linda is still his nurse, they have only known each other for the 6-7 months if you count the time he spent in the hospital.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Belated Memories** **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously **

"_Reports from your residence that over two blocks are already lined with well-wishers Sir, is there an alternate location you wish to go to?"_

"_The Cabin Rick" Gina had spoken so quickly, _

"_The Cabin Gina? We haven't been there since eh, well in a long time" Rick stumbled,_

"_Exactly Rick, if we don't show up at the Loft you know they will just move to my place since I was identified being with you, no one knows the Cabin or its history but we two, and it's only an hour away."_

*****************************************************************************/**

**A/N: Guest reviewer who stated I hate Beckett, you couldn't be more wrong, I loved the character and Stana, but Canon didn't leave much direction on which direction to take, at least till S 5. Even AU stories should be close to the original character.**

**Chapter 9**

**FLASHBACK 4 Years, (Month SIX of Rick's Departure Cont'd)**

**Kate's POV**

**Castle Cabin**

**Hunter Mountain Area, Outskirts of NYC **

The decision to stay in Gina's cabin proved to be a wise choice. The crowd outside of the Loft had swollen to almost three blocks, and when the decoy limo arrived and they knew they were in the wrong location, many did, in fact, travel across town to camp out outside Gina's upscale Condo. The guests who were her neighbors were not sympathetic to the reason at all, and police were called to disburse the crowd. After a few hours' things began to return to normal, with everyone wondering where did the limo transporting the Castle party really go.

Gina had called ahead to her security staff, and they had alerted only the head housekeeper to make the facility ready. The more people who knew, the more the chance of a leak, although there were few in New York or surrounding areas that ever wanted to be on Gina's bad side. They pulled into the garage, lowered the door, then Duane and Al, Gina's Security chief carried in the bags from the car.

"Wow Gina, why didn't I ever know about this place, I mean it's huge and beautiful," Alexis asked,

"Well, Lexi, it was a gift from your father, actually our second anniversary, your Grams had moved into the Loft by then, and he knew I needed some space, so he had this custom build as my gift."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I didn't realize what a hindrance that would be to a couple who had only been married a short time, Grams was always a force to be reckoned with, that's for sure" Alexis smiled as she thought of Hurricane Martha, famous for her loud fashions.

"Well Pumpkin, Gina needed space to work from time to time as well, and you know how Mother was too closed doors, if they weren't nailed shut, she would enter, and that couldn't happen with some of Gina's clients or bosses. The simple solution was to build her this, with an office we both could, and did work from often."

"I get it Dad, that was a great idea, so how come you never told me about it?"

"Well, Alexis, by the time it was finished, we had hit a rough spot in our marriage, and this was our retreat many times to work out issues as a couple, it was kind of like your diary, it's yours to keep your private thoughts in without anyone peeking."

"I understand now Gina, so after the divorce, Dad never came back here?"

Rick was growing a bit uncomfortable, his little girl was old enough now to put the pieces together, and he wanted the reason for his and Gina's divorce to stay private. Linda picked up on it, and added,

"I can understand that Alexis, sometimes we just want to take the good memories with us, and coming back would remind us of the bad times, you know like the old saying when I'm right no one remembers when I'm wrong no one forgets" as she smiled,

"I got it, Thanks Linda, Dad just say it was parent stuff and I would have shut up, sorry to invade your privacy"

"Not at all Alexis, this cabin was built with love, a lot of it, but when we decided to split, well it just reminded me of what I didn't have and made me wonder what I could have done better"

"He's being far too noble Alexis, the last few months, I don't know how anyone could stand me, so your Dad is taking the blame for something I did, it was my fault but that's where it stays, hope that answers your questions"

"It does Gina and thanks" she replied.

Alexis and Linda retired to their bedrooms, Linda to unpack and refresh, the trip had been long and sad, and Alexis to call one of her school mates to get her assignments.

"Rick, I'm sorry if this brought back too many bad memories, I mean I just*"

"It's fine Gina, and it didn't. I appreciate you looking out for us, I can't deal with the press now, and I still have to approve everything, even though Mother had everything arranged. I have to review and sign off, then we can publish the notice of the public ceremony, ours will be private, either before or after the public service."

"I know I have already inserted myself into this, I'm sorry if I'm overstepping but I think if you have it before, perhaps an evening ceremony before the next morning public service it would allow you to say goodbye in your own way in private." Gina looked at him, tears in her eyes hoping she hadn't overstepped.

"That's really a good idea, I know Mother said when the curtain falls, the play is over, so we can say goodbye in private, maybe it would even make the public ceremony go a little easier, thanks Genes"

"You're welcome" she blushed, he hadn't called her Genes since their honeymoon, and he still would not let anyone know that she was the one who cheated, right here in this cabin, he was as protective as always.

Rick's phone rang with an unusual tone, he looked down then smiled sadly,

"It's Captain Montgomery, I'll take this out on the veranda" as he stepped outside and closed the door

"Hi Roy, long time my friend"

"Hi Rick, long time indeed, I just wanted to call to say I'm so very sorry for your loss, my family saw the news and called me, they couldn't believe it, we are all so very sorry.

Look, I know you are handling security with your people, but if you need any muscle, anyone to kick some ass for you, call me. I don't have the manpower or resources I had when you were here, but I can still make some things happen."

"Thanks, Roy, I appreciate that. Look I'm sorry things turned out the way they did. When I left, I truly meant to be gone for the summer, and back in the fall, but the old body had other plans. When I finally got to feeling better from the last surgery, Alexis was accepted into Oxford and had just broken up with her boyfriend, as much as I tried, I couldn't talk her out of going across the pond.

She was still just 17, so she required a parent or guardian, so I thought what the hell, I can write from anywhere, so I went. I would have liked to have talked to you before but ran out of time."

"Hey Rick, you don't owe me any explanations, I'm just glad Paula sent me your new phone number yesterday. I understand totally and I don't blame you. I won't bring up anyone else other than to say you are missed, and not just for your contributions and gifts to all, the entire precinct misses you and sends their condolences."

"Thanks, Roy, I have to approve the details but I think we are having the public ceremony on Friday at St. Michaels, if you could come, would love to see you"

"I'll be there, Rick, if you need anything before just call, I'll let you go, someone is outside my door peeking at me like I'm the featured attraction at a zoo, see you Friday." Before he hung up Rick heard, what the fuck is so important Esposito that then the line went dead

Rick stepped back into the living room, and whispered to Gina, "he'll be there Friday", and then just looked at her as to say don't ask about the Detective.

He turned and there was Alexis, her eyes a bit red from crying, he knew that's where she went.

"Daddy, can I ask a favor please?"

"Sure pumpkin, what is it?"

"I would like to give the Eulogy for Grams, I know you are her son, but it would mean a lot to me if I could say something at the funeral."

"Sweetie are you sure, that's not easy even for me. If you want how about we do it together, you say something then I'll end it, if you for whatever reason don't feel up to it, you have no reason to force yourself, would that be OK?"

She hugged him, "That's an even better plan, there's no reason why we both can't say what we feel, Thanks Daddy" as she bounded up the stairs to her room.

Rick retired to the office and smiled, there were the two desks, Gina had named them the King and Queen spots of the house, but that was a long time ago. He jumped slightly when he felt a touch on his arm,

"Sorry Rick, didn't mean to startle you, I just wanted to know do you like it, I kept it just the way it was when we first came here."

"Love it Gina, and thank you, I have to write the obituary for the paper and finalize the details, have we thought about food yet?"

"Maisy's is delivering their deli spread, so we'll have lunchmeat, cheeses and the fixings for a few days, they're bringing hot sandwiches in about 45 minutes if that's OK."

"Gina, stop asking if everything is OK, thanks for all you're doing, and have done, Mother would have appreciated it."

"Well I know she didn't care for me too much in life, but*"

"What are you talking about? Who told you that, you didn't know that you were Mother's choice and she blamed me for the divorce for the first 8 months, barely spoke to me? She loved you Genes, and I know you loved her, so thank you for that, even for me somedays it wasn't easy" as he smiled and pulled her into a hug, ending it with a sweet soft kiss. "I better get to it", and he pulled away

Xx

Rick had written and re-written the obituary at least a hundred times and was struggling on how much or little to say, Martha for all her flamboyancy was a private person. He finally completed something he was happy with and completed the arrangements. Paula had issued the obituary to the press, announcing the service at St. Michaels on Friday at 10:00 AM, and for now, there wasn't much left to do but wait for the day to come, and go as quickly as possible.

Xx

**St. Michaels Church**

**Friday, 9:40 AM**

Rick and the family had said their private goodbyes last evening, and today seemed almost like a formality. Alexis was holding up well and wanted to deliver her part of the Eulogy, as the church filled quickly. Rick noticed Captain Montgomery and his wife, come in, followed by Beckett, Esposito and Lanie, Kevin and Jenny, and LT. He had reserved one row for the 12th as the usher showed them to their seats, the priest walked to the microphone precisely at 10:00 AM and said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are here today to bid goodbye to our dearly departed Martha R Rogers, and we will begin with a moment of silence in lieu of a prayer per her request. A long pause, and finally the priest said: "Thank You please be seated."

"I knew Ms. Rogers for a long time, I was a young priest when she brought her son Richard here for baptism, and I was more than happy to fulfill her wishes. I must say, the Richard I see today, reminds me of how fast time goes, and how big little ones get almost overnight.

One quality of Martha's that served her well was her ability to laugh, no matter how tough, or how desperate the situation seemed, she never lost that eternal enthusiasm and love for her family. Here to honor her is her only Grandchild, Ms. Alexis Castle,"

The priest turned and slowly walked to his seat as Alexis nervously played with her notes as she walked to the podium. She cleared her voice, and then looked upward for a moment, then began,

_**Good Morning,**_

_**Most of you only know me from pictures from my Dad's press clippings but I'm Alexis Castle, Martha Rogers was my grandmother, although I never remember ever calling her that, she was always Grams to me.**_

_**I was fortunate to have Grams live with us as I grew up a sheltered and over-protected child of Richard Castle, and yes Dad you were overprotective (small laughter) but Grams could always bring up your history which made mine look tame.**_

_**I could talk to Grams about anything, and I think we became even closer recently when we almost lost my Dad to heart disease. Grams was my rock; I wouldn't have made it through the ordeal without her. I never thought that although this was my Dad who was ill, he was her son. She had to be as afraid, or more than I, yet, she never wavered. She stayed strong, even moving Dad to a different hospital after Hurricane Martha had cleared Hamptons General out with an unexpected storm. (gentle laughter) Grams only showed that side of her once to me, when she protected our family and showed me that a lady could kick butt as she called it when necessary.**_

_**Grams was my friend, my confidant, my go-to person when the world started to close in on me. In her wisdom, she saw her role about to make a curtain call. That's when she brought in our friend Linda who willingly stepped in to watch over not only Dad but me as well. Grams said she was at peace when I left for Oxford because my Dad and Linda were going to be there for me and she could always call me on Skype if she missed me. **_

_**It wasn't Grams that called but I did, so homesick I almost called Dad to come and get me and go home. Grams told me to stick it out 2 more weeks, and things would change, I don't know how she knew but she did, and she was right. I'll always love you Grams, and I know in my heart, you're only a prayer away, so this isn't goodbye, but as you would say, see you later kiddo, it's time for you to go,**_

_**Thank You**_,

Many in the packed cathedral wiped their eyes, including Kate Beckett, Lanie, and Jenny. Linda was shocked that Alexis had mentioned her by name and that she and Martha had discussed who would be there for her once she left New York. As they collected their thoughts, Rick stepped out, hugged Alexis for almost a minute, wiped her eyes with his hankie and whispered something in her ear that made her smile made on his way to the podium.

He took a moment, and then began,

_**Good morning all, and thank you for coming to honor one of the most important persons in my life, my Mother**_

_**As a child growing up with only one parent, there were many times that life could be cruel. Words or actions could bring me down and when I felt the world was closing in on me, all I needed to do was approach Mother who would hold me. She would tell me that life can be tough, but if you fight hard and long enough you get to see the magnificent beauty it also brings. The man I am today is largely because of Martha R. Rogers, I won't say her middle name because she hated it, and if you knew her as I did, she was a force to be reckoned with. She may still be, as he pretended to look around to see if she were there (He smiled as polite laughter went quietly through the crowd.)**_

_**Mother died the way she wanted to, working in the theater, which she loved only slightly less than she loved my daughter Alexis and I. When I was young, sometimes Mother would have parts in three plays at the same time, her fear of not being able to provide not only my needs but also my wants drove her to work tirelessly.**_

_**Mother was known for her style, some would say lack of it, (once again quiet laughter), but it was that which supported her theory that she went through life HER WAY. Mother was loved by many but respected by all she ever worked with who understood her drive to be the best sometimes fueled small squabbles on the set. As an author, I don't think any book critic could match Mother's reviews, but unlike them, she did it out of love, to drive me to want to be better.**_

_**You heard from my daughter Alexis just a few moments ago, Mother idolized her, as long as she never called her Grandmother in public, or around eligible bachelors (Louder laughter). She was the sounding board when Alexis would come home and ask why boys did stupid things, Mother's answer was always the same, just forgive them, love them if you can, God only made one of the species perfect and it wasn't them. **_

_**Mother had an opinion on anything, even if you didn't ask, but her comments were never directed at or with the purpose of hurting anyone. She was the pioneer who had been made fun of and looked down upon when I was the young son of an unwed mother, she never would have treated others the way she had been treated.**_

_**I asked her once what did she want to leave behind, and she replied instantly, my legacy is right before me Son. I already have more than I ever wanted in life. She leaves behind not only our immediate family but adopted daughters of both my ex-wives, sometimes I thought she loved them more than me, but it was only because I was wrong and she would not rubber-stamp anything that wasn't right in her eyes. She was blessed because both ladies she loved as her own, also loved her, a rare occasion between a mother who spoiled her son as she did me, and her daughter-in-law, but a testimony for her life, principles, and ability to see the good in everyone. There were more but for privacy, I won't mention any more names, Mother knew who you were, and that's what counts.**_

_**Mother wouldn't want a lot of tears, or testimony about her virtues in life, I think she would rather you take one message home with you and that is of love. Mother loved deeply, even with her outward façade, she was a very sensitive person and once she loved you, she never deserted you, no matter how tough times got. I think she would say to you all, now is the time for an inspection of your soul, if there are things that need correcting do it now, tomorrow is never promised. **_

_**Once again, on behalf of our entire family, my daughter Alexis, wives Gina and Meredith, my good friend Linda, her many friends from her acting company who are in attendance, as well as her associates we thank you for coming today to honor her memory, but more than that, we thank you for being a part of her life,**_

_**Thank You, Rest in Peace Mother, **_

The priest strode to the pulpit and announce that lunch would be served next door in the recreation hall, and dismissed all with once again a moment of silence, then his final words, "Go in peace in memory of Martha, Dismissed"


	10. Chapter 10

**Belated Memories** **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously **

"_Reports from your residence that over two blocks are already lined with well-wishers Sir, is there an alternate location you wish to go to?"_

"_The Cabin Rick" Gina had spoken so quickly, _

"_The Cabin Gina? We haven't been there since eh, well in a long time" Rick stumbled,_

"_Exactly Rick, if we don't show up at the Loft you know they will just move to my place since I was identified being with you, no one knows the Cabin or its history but we two and it's only an hour away."_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 10**

**FLASHBACK 4 Years, (Month SIX of Rick's Departure Cont'd)**

**Kate's POV**

**St. Michaels Church**

**Receiving Line**

**Friday, 11:40 AM**

Well, they had gotten through it, and now all that remained was to thank the many people forming the line to express their condolences. Rick found himself between Linda on one side, next to her was Gina, and on his other side Alexis. They had shaken hands and been hugged and kissed by so many people, many they had no clue of who they were, but they were here to honor Martha, that's all that counted. Finally, Captain Roy Montgomery and his wife Evelyn approached, shook hands with Gina, Linda then brought Rick into a bro hug.

"Like I told you on the phone Rick, we're very sorry for your loss, I always loved the nights Martha joined the card party, you never knew what was coming next" Roy smiled,

"Thanks, Roy, things will be different that's for sure."

"Look I know you have a lot of people to talk to, why don't we grab lunch someday if you can, I mean if you*"

"How's Next Wednesday Captain, come on out to the Hamptons for a long weekend with Evelyn, maybe the paparazzi will have died down by then."

"Sounds great, Rick, let me check my calendar and I'll call you, I may have to wait till Friday if that's OK?"

"Sorry Roy, let's just make it Friday, I forgot some people still work," and he smiled

Evelyn hugged him, and whispered how proud Martha would be of them all,

Next came Espo and Lanie, who hugged him, and said how good he looked, he interrupted them for a moment to introduce Linda as his good friend and the nurse responsible for him still being on this planet. He hadn't spoken to Beckett yet, but she heard the introduction and winced internally.

Jenny, Kevin, and LT all hugged him and echoed the words of the others, then finally he was staring into the hazel eyes of the Detective, Kate Beckett.

"Hi Rick, you look good, how are you feeling, I'm sorry that was stupid, you just lost your Mom"

"It's OK Kate, I knew what you meant. Kate, meet Linda Crane, Linda this is Detective Kate Beckett,"

They exchanged pleasantries and Kate asked if she could speak to Rick in private for a few minutes. He looked very uncomfortable, as they stepped just out of earshot of the rest of the party.

"Rick, look, I know I screwed up, again, but I tried to call you, and then I couldn't get your number from anyone so I didn't know what to do, all I knew was that according to Martha your health was being monitored and you were fine, guess that's where Linda comes in."

"Well Kate, I waited, actually I was forced to wait for three more surgeries, and when Alexis called you, we all thought you might drive up, or at least call. When you didn't, I called Roy, and he just said you were back to being you, almost living in the precinct, so I decided not to bother you."

"Rick, look this is awkward for me, can we meet someplace to talk, to catch up, I mean it's been almost 4 months"

"It's six months Kate, it will be seven next week, and I really don't think that's a good idea. I mean I'm only here for a while and I'm going to be busy with the aftermath,"

"Yeah, I'm sorry that was stupid on my part to even ask, I mean I know you have a lot on your plate, but can we at least talk on the phone Rick, I would like to be friends."

"You want to be friends Kate? What's your definition of that, do we talk regularly, do we write letters when I return to England in a few weeks, what are your expectations, just to be clear?"

"Rick, I would love to be able to call you, but I know the 6 hour time difference would make it tough, but I can write, I love to write, and I just want to be a part of your life, I know it's stupid now, but please, can we at least try that? If this doesn't work, you've only wasted a few dollars in postage, and unlimited cell plans won't cost you for the calls, can we do that?"

"I'll text you my address to write to Kate when I get a minute, but I have a lot to do, would you excuse me now, I need to talk to all of the guests"

"Sure Rick, Thanks, I'll wait for the text, Thanks" She had some breath of life now, he had agreed to at least talk, more than she had hoped for.

Rick returned to the line, and Linda just slipped her arm around his back and whispered in his ear, "That was your KB I take it, here if you need me Rick" and then went back to the remainder of the guests.

Soon the end of the line had been reached and Rick turned to face two concerned females, both Gina and Alexis were staring at him, "Dad can we have a word?"

They stepped off to the side, and Gina followed, "So what's up with Detective Beckett, does she suddenly have time for you now, Dad please don't get played, you were doing so good." Tears in Alexis's eyes

"OK Gina, let me hear from you, then I can address the issue once, OK, so what's on your mind?"

"Rick, really I don't have a claim in this, I am just supporting Alexis who doesn't want to have to sit back and watch her Dad get hurt again." She looked down when she was done speaking,

"OK, now I'm going to say this once, so please listen, what happens between Kate and me is my business, BUT to relieve your fears she did invite me out, I refused. She asked to start our friendship back up, which if I know her, it will last about two weeks once we return to England, so either way no need to fear, OK?

I would like to get this day behind us, I did invite Roy out to the Hamptons next Friday so we will need to plan on a trip there. I need to check on the property and talk to Vinny again anyway. I got a call from him, and he asked to see me before we went back."

Relief spread through both ladies' faces, as Alexis hugged her Dad, then said, "I know it's hard Dad, but really I don't want to see you in the shape you were in before your heart attack and surgeries. I know it's terrible to say, but those events allowed you and all of us to see your priority in her life, I'll shut up now and go back being the kid" she smiled and pulled away from him.

"I just echo what our Daughter said" Gina replied, with a look of concern on her face.

"Something else wrong Gina?"

"No, no, it's none of my business,"

"Gina?" I know you have something to say, so go ahead and say it, I won't get angry, I promise, we're in a church for goodness sake" as he smiled.

"Rick, think about what this will do to Linda, I mean I know we tried and it didn't work, I'm not sure what the arrangement between you two is, but a woman knows when another woman is in love with the man she loves. Think about it Rick, that's all I ask" she turned and walked away.

Xx

**Friday Morning**

**Hamptons Beach House**

Rick, Alexis, and Linda had driven up to the Hamptons right after the service for Martha concluded to avoid the press and microphones thrust into their faces constantly. Gina drove up separately late Thursday and today Roy and Evelyn were joining them for the weekend. Rick could tell his friend needed to talk, and a lot more than a lunch, and it would give the ladies a chance to catch up over shopping for the latest fashions.

"Rick, you never told me you were rich and famous, this is beautiful" Linda couldn't get over the beauty of what they simply referred to as the Beach House. She had pictured it in her mind, but the garage was bigger than what she had imagined. It was a magnificent mansion, 8 Bedrooms, 5 full baths, and an Olympic pool, plus full gym, you never had to leave the house if you didn't want to.

"Yeah, I do all right, I got lucky with a couple of characters and they were very kind to my portfolio." He smiled.

"I can see," as she removed her cover to test the pool water, and Rick was the one in amazement. Her body was like that of a Hollywood icon, not an ounce of fat on her, and she was better built than her typical nurse scrubs or loose clothes she normally wore ever revealed. The splash of the water hitting him in the face brought him back to hear,

"So, did you see something you liked Rick, you stared long enough" she laughed as his face blushed.

"Yeah, yes indeed I did Linda"

Gina and Alexis returned just then from their walk on the beach, Gina had been like a Mom to Alexis, and this was her opportunity to make sure her girl was truly doing OK. The loss of Martha just capped a horrible year, her Dad's sickness, the breakup of a 3-year relationship with Ashley, another three surgeries for her Dad, then the last agonizing choice of Oxford over Columbia and Stanford for college. It has been a ton of pressure on a young girl who hadn't even turned 18 years old until after she was in the middle of her first semester of college.

"Dad, have you thought about food for the weekend? Are you going to grill and if yes did you talk to Henry to deliver the meat?" Alexis asked as a white refrigerator truck came slowly into view headed for the back of the house.

"Never mind, I see you have it handled", she laughed

Rick went around to greet Henry Comino, the owner of the butcher shop and a long-time friend.

"Hey Henry, how you doing, good to see you, friend."

"Hey, I should be asking you that, the last time you were here you made a very notable exit, and had us all worried about you for months. I'm glad you're OK, and please accept our condolences on the loss of your Mom, she will be missed."

"Thanks, Henry, so what kind of third-rate meat are you trying to pass off on me today" as he headed to the truck and Henry threw a wet shop cloth, he always used to wipe down the handles of his truck with at him.

"Third rate, you never saw such quality Ricky," as two old friends reunited,

Xx

Roy and Evelyn arrived around 3:00 PM and were greeted by Rick and Alexis, hugging each.

"Thanks again for coming Roy, Evelyn, I know it would have meant a lot to Mother to know you two were there for us. Now is the time to kick back, relax, and enjoy a grilled steak as you have never had before tonight for dinner. Why don't you get comfortable and join us by the pool, your room is the first one on the right at the top of the stairs."

Xx

Several hours later, and far too much food, everyone was lounging around until one by one they started heading off to bed. Finally, all that was left were Roy and Rick as Evelyn kissed her husband goodnight, and said low,

"I'll leave you two to talk, I know Roy needs it Rick, and if my instincts are correct so do you, as she kissed his cheek, "this is a beautiful home, thanks for inviting us"

"You're welcome anytime Evelyn, regardless if I am home or not, just let me know."

"That's so kind of you Rick, now I'll let you two talk." As she walked quietly up the stairs to the large guest room.

"So" Rick started

"So, yourself, Rick, how are you doing, no bullshit now, just the truth."

"Well to be honest Roy, it's still a shock, it's almost like I expect to see her doing her walk of shame early one morning, or hear her singing slightly off-key at the loft with some gentleman friend she had just found. I'm sure it will hit me more once the shock wears off, and we're back in England."

"How are things working out there, I know Alexis mentioned she was so homesick at first, is it any better for her now?"

"Oh God yes Roy, she's always going somewhere or doing something and she's keeping her grades up, so I can't complain. Linda loves her, and they have become close, especially after the last surgery, I had. They told mother it was to repair a nick in an artery, it was actually another bypass on the other side but we didn't want her to worry."

"Wow, my friend, you have been through the preverbal wringer, haven't you?

"You know what they say, Roy, if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger, what about you, from my vantage point looks like the stress is starting to get to you."

"It's a different place than when you were there Rick, I mean the people are mostly the same, but the joy of working, enjoying your team members is largely gone. One PP is kicking my ass to do more with every budget cut, and to be honest with you, Evelyn and I have discussed me hanging up my shield."

"Wow, I'm, sorry to hear that Roy, hope I didn't cause that"

"Are you kidding, you're the one that brought the laughter, before you came no one, especially Beckett was having any fun, but you changed that. I'm sorry to bring her up, I know she really pulled a disappearing act on you the last months you were here."

"No problem we talked briefly, she wanted to meet for coffee, I'm not up for a one on one with her yet, so I agreed to call and write, but if Kate is Kate, that will last maybe two months tops before she goes back to her old self, I won't be surprised, or hurt this time, I fully expect it. Are you serious about retirement, Roy?"

"Yes, I am, I think I've done enough, so when I go back after I talk to Evelyn, I'm going to push Beckett to take the Captain's exam, in two months, and if she passes, I'll pass the torch before Weldon and Boyle leave office."

"Well, you know this house just sits, more days than anyone is in it, you could always hang out here and get in some deep-sea fishing?"

"If that was supposed to talk me out of retiring Rick, all it did was push me the other way, I'm certain now, the way things are going I have had enough so I may take you up on that offer sooner than you think."

"I'm happy for you Roy, I know how much you have tried to cover for your people, especially Beckett going rogue about her Mom's case, so maybe it's time for all of them to grow up. Speaking from experience, it wasn't easy but looking back it was time, far past time."

"So, Rick, if I may, what's going on with you and Linda, I know she was your nurse, but you look pretty healthy to me, is there a fire or at least some smoke there? Before you answer that, I'll tell you, Beckett has had maybe 3-4 dates, usually when she and Lanie go out to piss of Esposito, but other than that, she's reverted back to her old self, almost living in the precinct."

"I'm sorry to hear that, I really am, but I'm not the one that can change her, never could regardless of what people thought. She's got tunnel vision when it comes to that topic, and nothing or nobody is going to get in her way. I was a victim of that shit storm too many times.

Linda is one of the sweetest and kindest women I know, it started off as a Nurse-Patient relationship, but I finally woke up about a year into it and thought, Damn, this is one fine woman who cares for me and my family. I know she loves me Roy, and I love her, but I owe her all of me, not just part. I've almost got there and seeing Beckett has helped.

I didn't know what to expect when I looked into her eyes again, but this time, the feeling, the spark, well it wasn't there like before. Don't get me wrong, I care about her, a great deal, but she or her memory don't rule my every thought."

"I'm glad for you, I know she hurt you more than anything in this world, and frankly I have never figured it out, but it's in the past. Hopefully, you two can still be friends"

"Oh, that's not an issue, she asked for my address, she promised me she changed and would write, I give her two months, three tops before I am out of sight, and she is back at her old routine. It won't hurt this time, as I said, I love Linda, I just need to be able to give her what she deserves"

Both men are quiet, and neither see the shadow walking away from the veranda door. Linda hadn't been able to sleep and had thought about joining the men, but from what she just heard, she was sure her sleep would come now, happy thoughts and sweet dreams. It was going to be a good weekend after all.


	11. Chapter 11

**Belated Memories** **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously **

"_I'm sorry to hear that, I really am, but I'm not the one that can change her, never could regardless of what people thought. She's got tunnel vision when it comes to that topic, and nothing or nobody is going to get in her way. I was a victim of that shit storm too many times._

_Linda is one of the sweetest and kindest women I know, it started off as a Nurse-Patient relationship, but I finally woke up about a year into it and thought, Damn, this is one fine woman who cares for me and my family. I know she loves me Roy, and I love her, but I owe her all of me, not just part. I've almost got there and seeing Beckett has helped._

_I didn't know what to expect when I looked into her eyes again, but this time, the feeling, the spark, well it wasn't there like before. Don't get me wrong, I care about her, a great deal, but she or her memory don't rule my every thought."_

"_I'm glad for you, I know she hurt you more than anything in this world, and frankly I have never figured it out, but it's in the past. Hopefully, you two can still be friends"_

*****************************************************************************/**

**A/N: Chapter 10 had this line, **Linda is one of the sweetest and kindest women I know, it started off as a Nurse-Patient relationship, but I finally woke up about a year into it and thought **Should have been 6 months to match the time away, thanks for catching my mistake Ellen Outlaw**

**Chapter 11**

**FLASHBACK 4 Years, (Month SIX of Rick's Departure Cont'd)**

**Kate's POV**

**Two Days after Martha's Service**

Kate had been busy since Martha's service, she had tried to locate where Rick had gone to, no one knew about the Cabin, so that ate up a few days of goose chases between the Loft, Gina's place and the Four Seasons, all resulting in zero results. She finally overheard Captain Montgomery talking to Rick when his office door was still open a crack.

_"Yes, we're looking forward to it as well, I just have one early meeting and then I'll be leaving to pick up Evelyn, we should be out there no later than 3:00, even with the Friday traffic headed to the Hamptons. What do I want, hell Rick, a cold one and sitting with a good friend for a few days is all I ask there was a pause, Castle must be talking to him, and then Oh yes, you got it, and no Rick, I haven't told anyone where I'm going here or at One PP, I know you need some privacy"_

Kate jumped back at the word privacy, had she stooped to this, a stalker, trying to find the author, My God, how things had changed. If Roy was going to the Hamptons for the weekend, that meant she could almost be certain she could get a letter to Rick to apologize, and perhaps to Alexis as well. It's not like she had anything else to do at night, except read and do her yoga. Tonight, she would write a letter from her heart, he'd be surprised for sure.

Xx

Several heads turned in surprise when Kate stood up, turned her computer off, and said goodnight at 5:05 PM. Captain Montgomery was watching, wondering what the hell was going on now, knowing Kate she was up to something, and add the fact the Rick was back insight for the first time in almost 7 months he would bet his pension that it had something to do with her feelings towards him.

She had already called for her favorite Chinese to be delivered, she stopped picked up a bottle of wine that she normally would not indulge herself on, and headed home. She was on a mission, she had to make Rick believe her and give her another chance. Whoever had written or said that absence makes the heart grow fonder was full of shit? At a minimum, they had never loved anyone the way she loved Rick.

Her plan was to lock the door, turn down her phone, she wasn't on call so the only call she really wanted to receive she knew would not be calling her, at least not yet. Eat her dinner, then soak in a bath and think of the letter she would write once she was out of the rejuvenating waters. Best laid plans, oh well, the delivery from the Chinese switched orders, so she didn't get what she wanted, the building had a problem with the boilers, so no hot water, thus no bath, and the mail had delivered her a final invoice for an item she had purchased and returned months ago.

She took out her pad, the stationary would come after she finally got the letter completed to her satisfaction. She thought, Alexis or Rick, deciding on Alexis first, since hers would be easier, or at least less difficult. She began, and as Dr. Burke had told her, write from your heart, then go back and formalize grammar and spelling, the most important part of the letter does it send the message you want.

Xx

_**Dear Alexis,**_

_**I know I am probably the last person you expected or wanted to hear from about now, but I felt I owed you an apology. Before we get to that, let me say how sorry I am for your loss, Martha was a special lady who loved you all fiercely, and knew how to enjoy life.**_

_**As I said, I owe you more than the typical I'm sorry, that wouldn't cut it with me if I were you, nor do I expect it to with you. When you called to tell me about your Dad's additional surgery, I was afraid out of my mind. I have a fear of hospitals, dating back to before I was your age, and try as hard as I could, I couldn't walk into the waiting room those days and nights. I was there Alexis, just in the parking lot, and I bribed, well more like coerced interns and staff to give me updates on your Dad's progress.**_

_**I didn't want you to think I was weak when in reality you were much stronger than I ever was. I know you're thinking if I was so afraid of hospitals how could I be there with your Dad for the first surgery and not the others. I've never told anyone the honest answer, so maybe now is the time I do. I was afraid your Dad was dying, and I didn't want him to leave this world alone, not like my Mom. All the time I spent with him alone waiting for you and your Grams to come, that was the only thought that allowed me to stay within those walls of the hospital and why my exit was so quick.**_

_**I love him more than I ever knew I could, but for some reason, Mom's case is like an addiction, I think your Dad described it as my addiction like a drug addict once, he was right. I know you thought I never cared, about you, your Dad or your Grams but I love you all. You opened your doors and took me as I was, and made me feel more like a part of a family than I had felt since I lost mine. For that, I will forever be grateful, and for what's it worth, I enjoyed our girl talks when you would come to me with your issues that might have made your Dad uncomfortable.**_

_**I'm sorry for not being strong enough to be the woman you looked up to, and I'm sorry for the hurt I know I caused. I wish you all love and happiness, and I say this Alexis sincerely if you ever need anything, I am here for you, I promise. **_

_**I'll close with not I'm sorry, but a sincere request for you to consider forgiving me, I ask for your forgiveness, even though I know I don't deserve it,**_

_**Always**_

_**Kate**_

Xx

Kate had cried through about a half box of tissue by the time she had finally finished the letter and transferred it to the stationary that was given to her at Christmas, she wasn't sure if it was from Rick or Alexis, but she knew they often shopped together, so she was sure she would recognize it as a present from them.

She stepped away, stretched, took a drink from her wine, and finished the cold Chinese dish she didn't care for at all, then thought OK, one down now the big one to go and returned to her writing setup.

_**Dear Rick,**_

_**I know you're probably thinking I am going to fill the pages with tons of I'm sorry, which I sincerely am, but I'm going to explain what happened, then ask for forgiveness once. I wrote a separate letter to Alexis, and if it had been possible, I would have done so for Martha as well, but I think she knows my heart better than anyone now.**_

_**I will begin by saying how truly saddened I am by the loss of your Mother, she was the closest thing on this earth I had as a Mom, and I am both ashamed, and disgusted that I did not show her the same respect she always did to me. Even when you first left, she honored your wishes and could have really been cold and resentful, but I knew that it broke her heart to see us both hurting because of my stupidity. Even delivering the tough message, she showed compassion, more compassion than I deserved or expected.**_

_**I know you don't like to rehash old stories, but I think for this one, you deserve to know the ENTIRE story, not just the middle and the end. It starts when you came to me, full of humility, grief, and regret after the incident with Coonan, you wanted to quit. I talked you out of it, by that time, I was beginning to have a deep feeling for you, maybe even love since I know now that I had never been in love before, even though I thought I had.**_

_**Roy spotted it, so did Jordan Shaw and even Kyra Blaine, if I had only told you what I felt, perhaps I wouldn't be writing this letter today. Instead, I did what I had always done, drive you away since I had my mission, and falling in love would not have allowed me to complete it. What a fool, I chased revenge instead of happiness, not my words but those of my therapist. Something else that will surprise you, I am seeking professional help, since I finally realized I love you, but you had left for parts unknown. The last six, almost seven months have been the worst of my life.**_

_**Thank you for agreeing to at least renew our friendship, I know I hurt you terribly, and for that I can't find the words other than to say I beg your forgiveness, I actually confessed to Alexis what happened when you thought I didn't care enough to check on you, it's easily verified with the nursing staff at both hospitals if you want to check, and I don't blame you if you do.**_

_**You're probably asking what I would be asking if roles were reversed, Why, or Why Now Kate? Can I say, I'm a fool and a slow learner? I failed you, I failed Alexis, and I most definitely failed Martha, who rooted for us to get together for the longest time. We even had lunch several times and she always encouraged me to tell you how I felt, but I hurt you trying to play stupid High School games. I broke up with Deming the day you left, he never stood a chance, and I felt bad because I led him on to try to make you jealous. It backfired, and I wound up hurting both of you and suffering myself.**_

_**I have never been more afraid in my life as I was during your first surgery, you won't remember, and that's not important, but I was the only one that could get there, your mother and Alexis were at least two days away, so as afraid as I am of hospitals, I sat with you, through the entire recovery, and then when they finally got there, I was almost in a panic attack. I did confess something to you that night, I doubt you heard it or would have believed it even if you did, I told you I loved you for the first time.**_

_**That hasn't changed, but I know we have, mostly because of me and for that, I will always have regrets. Now, I know there is someone else in your life, even if you don't see it, others do, Linda loves you so I won't ask for anything more than your friendship and forgiveness in time.**_

_**Thanks for reading this, I hope you've made it this far without throwing it out, but I wouldn't blame you if you did. Thanks for your friendship in the past, and hopefully in the future for years to come. Now, Rick, I will ask you, for all the times, and events that I have hurt you, I beg your forgiveness, **_

_**Always,**_

_**Kate**_

Kate blotted the teardrops that had fell when she transposed it to the stationary, and then called the courier service for special delivery by end of day tomorrow, signature required. Well, now it was out of her control, all she could do was wait to see how the letters were received. She hoped Alexis would be as forgiving as her Dad had been in the past, she would know soon enough.


	12. Chapter 12

**Belated Memories** **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously **

_**That hasn't changed, but I know we have, mostly because of me and for that, I will always have regrets. Now, I know there is someone else in your life, even if you don't see it, others do, Linda loves you so I won't ask for anything more than your friendship and forgiveness in time.**_

_**Thanks for reading this, I hope you've made it this far without throwing it out, but I wouldn't blame you if you did. Thanks for your friendship in the past, and hopefully in the future for years to come. Now, Rick, I will ask you, for all the times, and events that I have hurt you, I beg your forgiveness, **_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 12**

**FLASHBACK 4 Years, (Month SIX of Rick's Departure Cont'd)**

**Kate's POV**

**Beckett's Apartment**

**Friday 8:30 PM**

Kate could only wait for notification that Rick had signed for the special delivery courier, inside the package was both his and the letter she had written to Alexis. It was odd, having to write things down, and even harder to realize just what she had done. She began to think about what she could have done differently, what questions would Alexis ask? Would Rick even read it, if so, would he want to know more?

It was a troubling time for her so she turned to her workouts, running, and finally soaking in a hot tub and reading anything but Castle, it helped, but she knew only one thing would calm her, that was an acknowledgment from Rick that he had read what she had written.

Xx

**Castle's Beach House**

**Saturday 1:00 PM**

It was a beautiful day to be on the beach in the Hamptons, the wind was blowing but not too hard, it was warm, but not stifling hot, and Rick and Roy sat on a neighbor's boat drinking beer, with poles off the stern, not really caring if they caught anything or not. They relived some of the more memorable moments of Rick's stay at the Precinct, Roy being careful to choose those that had minimal if any Beckett memories.

Evelyn had been right, they both needed a male friend to unload on, and they used the time together to not only reminisce but also to ask advice from the other for some things in their lives. Roy was serious, no Brett Favre of the NYPD this time, he had calculated his pension and investment, and even paying for the high price college for the girls, he still would be able to live a comfortable life.

Rick put him in contact with his investment banker, and a retirement plan was to be ready in two weeks. Rick confided that he liked England, but he missed home, the familiar places, especially Remy's and LeCerc for food. He did confess that having an ocean between him and the Detective had really helped him in his resolve to walk away and stay away this time.

"It's strange Roy, I mean she looked the same at Mother's service, but somehow, she looked different. I think I used to put her up on a pedestal and approved anything she did until well nature took care of that and a good-looking Robbery Detective Deming. I think I saw a woman I cared about but had lost the will to try to please her or make her happy, I do that for Linda now."

"Well, Rick, this old-timer has been around the block a few times, so I would agree you held Beckett in too high of esteem at first, maybe that was part of the problem with you two, she tried to be what you saw, and you were in the way for her to get there, I don't know. I know the precinct as a whole missed you, Rick, you'll never know the prayers and thoughts that went your way.

Just so you know, Demming was gone the day you left for your summer sabbatical, dumped like a used napkin with the only explanation, he wasn't what she was looking for. In some ways I felt sorry for him, he really wasn't that bad of a guy. Had too big an ego of his skills but look at Esposito, no wonder they were friends. I was surprised when he resigned to take a job in private industry in San Diego before you were out of the hospital the first time."

"Really? I hadn't heard that usually Lanie will log all the scuttlebutt and send a monthly digest to Paula, who forwards it to me. I heard about Beckett's suspension, and her almost getting fired, sorry about that Roy, I'm sure I was to blame for some of that."

"What makes you say that Rick?" She was miserable, and rightfully so, she had deserted a partner in his hour of need, and she took it out on everyone there, till I finally had to call her on it. She got back into therapy so I kept it off her record, but she doesn't know that. It would hurt her chance at Captain if it was official."

"Like I said Roy, always looking after your people. Just when you think you have a lead on what or how she's going to react to something she does a 180 degree on you and you're left with a WTH moment, I grew tired of that plus I've been out of High School a long time, I'm not ready to play those childish games, it looks like I made out for the good. Linda is devoted, and I'm almost there, soon I hope"

"Don't wait too long Rick, as he dove for the pole tugging from its anchor bracket on the stern." For the next 15 minutes Rick filmed and laughed as Roy fought, cursed, and finally landed the largest striped bass he had ever caught. It was time to head in, and Rick stopped by the bait and boat shop, Roy's fish would be mounted, with the date, time, and a picture of Rick and him and special delivered to his home address. Roy had a smile on his face that couldn't be wiped off with a ball bat, he was in heaven.

Xx

Rick and Roy were in a very festive mood as they approached the Beach House, on time for a change, when Rick noticed a club cart leaving the driveway. Not many people used the sidewalks, the most direct route to homes were across the private beach of each home, and it appeared the cart was headed in the opposite direction. As they entered the door, Alexis stood with her hands folded across her chest, and steam almost coming from her head.

"Pumpkin, what is it, and don't tell me it's nothing."

"Well Dad, the Detective figured out where we were at and wrote letters to you and me, sent special delivery. It was only because Jimmy Case was the delivery person, I got to sign for them, they wanted to come back when you were home. I told him this was our vacation home and if he didn't want my Dad to tell his Dad what happened at the last party he attended, he better let me sign for them."

"What name did you sign, Jimmy could get fired if he let anyone but me sign, Alexis, I know you're unhappy but you can't shoot the messenger"

"Relax Dad, I forged your name, like I used to do in high school, the last thing I want is for someone else to get hurt by her" as she pointed to the envelope and said, "Excuse me, I have things to do" and went out the door.

"I take it Alexis is not a Beckett fan," Roy said meekly,

"Well she used to be, she was very close to her, but the stunt with my last surgeries I think killed any friendship or admiration she had, now she won't even say her name. It's always the Detective, so pretty safe to say, you would be correct in your observation Roy. Come on, let's go let you brag to the ladies, and unlike the one that you always say got away, I have proof for you this time." As he laughed, never giving the letter a second look.

Evelyn, Gina, and Linda had just returned from a day of shopping, and were in great spirits, laughing and kidding as the men walked into the room.

"What smells?" asked Gina,

"I'm sorry to say it's my husband and Rick, Gina. Roy, you smell like a fish market, go take a shower and change before you start bragging about how big the one that you almost got before it got away, and take Rick with you. My Lord!" as everyone began to laugh, never seeing Roy on the receiving end of such sharp commands.

"Guess we better show them the pictures once we've cleaned up so the ladies don't have to stand downwind." Rick chuckled,

Roy and Rick disappeared to make themselves smell more like humans than what was cleaned out of a bait store after a long power failure, the ladies continuing to chat, all except Alexis who had returned to her room and was digesting the letter from Kate.

She was angry when she saw the envelope, feeling the same lonesome and abandoned teen she was when Kate hadn't supported her partner, not even with a call. She was hurt, disappointed and confused, but she was angry that anyone could treat her father in such a manner.

She knew it had hurt her Dad, more than he would ever show, but he was devastated that she hadn't even called. Thank God for Linda, without her, she didn't know where she or her Dad might have been. Linda assumed a lot of duties she didn't have to, but she never forced herself into the situation, always saying "if that's all right with your Dad and Grams". She could see the affection growing between her and her Dad, but also the huge obstruction in the way, the Detective. She talked to Linda, warned her about how KB seemed to have mystical powers over Rick, and to guard her heart, she didn't want to see her get hurt.

She opened the envelope, not knowing what she expected, Detective Beckett was like a chameleon, able to change in an instant as events unfurled. As she began to read, she knew that Beckett was fully aware of her status with the family, the words _**probably the last person you expected or wanted to hear from **_jumped from the page to her eyes. Right on both counts Detective, she thought, as she continued to read.

She was taking it in word for word, pausing to reflect on her statements about her Grams, and her realistic explanation of I'm sorry wouldn't cut it, not in a million years. She was shocked when she read; _**When you called to tell me about your Dad's additional surgery, I was afraid out of my mind. I have a fear of hospitals, dating back to before I was your age, and try as hard as I could, I couldn't walk into the waiting room those days and nights. I was there Alexis, just in the parking lot, and I bribed, well more like coerced interns and staff to give me updates on your Dad's progress.**_

She had to read it over more than once to fully understand, Kate was there but because of fear, or phobia couldn't come in to see her partner? Was this true or was a convenient excuse for the typical me-first attitude that, at least in her eyes, had always placed her wants over others.

Reaching for her phone Alexis called one of the investigators for her Dad's firm, gave the dates of his surgeries and wanted him to confirm that Beckett was indeed where she said she was. If Kate were telling the truth, it would be only a matter of hours before it was confirmed, as either fact or just another of the lies she had told.

She was surprised that Kate took the letter to the next step, answering the question that immediately popped into her mind, how she could be there for almost three days straight and then claim a phobia. When she read her answer her heart softened a bit, perhaps because she realized just how close she had come to losing her Dad, and now with Grams gone, she would have been alone. _** I was afraid your Dad was dying, and I didn't want him to leave this world alone, not like my Mom. All the time I spent with him alone waiting for you and your Grams to come, that was the only thought that allowed me to stay within those walls of the hospital and why my exit was so quick.**_

She began to wonder, could they be true, and recalling just how quickly she had existed after they showed up, verified or possibly corroborated the truth. She read the remainder of the letter through tears, she wanted to believe that Kate had cared, she truly did, but it was so hard to separate the things she claimed, from what she had done. She read the paragraph about caring for them over and over,

_**I love him more than I ever knew I could, but for some reason, Mom's case is like an addiction, I think your Dad described it as my addiction like a drug addict once, he was right. I know you thought I never cared, about you, your Dad or your Grams but I love you all. **_She had always been a fan of her Dad and Kate getting together, at least until the hurt that sent him to the Hamptons alone, where only fate saved his life.

She knew that Kate was a private person, very secretive about the smallest detail in her personal life, so for her to reveal what she had, she must have realized that perhaps time had run out, and she wanted to make things right. Another voice in her head warned her of being manipulated into taking her guard down, she would need to think about that.

Just as she finished the letter for the umpteenth time, her phone rang.

"Hey Alexis, it's Bart, I got the results you were looking for, I just emailed the tapes to your account, and from what we can tell, the Detective was in the parking lot for each of the times you specified. Anything else you need?"

"No Bart, but do me a favor, bill this to me, Dad is not to know about it, understand."

"Sure thing, I hope it all works out, Goodbye"

Well, she hadn't lied, but it would take some thought before she would be ready to respond. She placed the letter in her personal journal and then heard her name being called from downstairs,

"Lexi, time to eat, come and get it or we'll let the neighbors come over and eat your portion" it was her Dad, he always threatened but she knew he wouldn't do it.

"Be right there" she yelled back

Well, I guess I'll wait to see how Dad reacts to his letter if he even reads it. He had casually tossed it on the dresser without even so much as a second look, perhaps it was too late to make things right.

TBC


	13. Chapter 13

**Belated Memories** **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously **

_**She was surprised that Kate took the letter to the next step, answering the question that immediately popped into her mind, how she could be there for almost three days straight and then claim a phobia. When she read her answer her heart softened a bit, perhaps because she realized just how close she had come to losing her Dad, and now with Grams gone, she would have been alone. I was afraid your Dad was dying, and I didn't want him to leave this world alone, not like my Mom. All the time I spent with him alone waiting for you and your Grams to come, that was the only thought that allowed me to stay within those walls of the hospital and why my exit was so quick.**_

_**She began to wonder, could they be true, and recalling just how quickly she had existed after they showed up, verified or possibly corroborated the truth. She read the remainder of the letter through tears, she wanted to believe that Kate had cared, she truly did, but it was so hard to separate the things she claimed, from what she had done. She read the paragraph about caring for them over and over, **_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 13**

**FLASHBACK 4 Years, (Month SIX of Rick's Departure Cont'd)**

**Kate's POV**

**Beckett's Apartment**

**Saturday Afternoon 4:47 PM**

Beckett had done everything possible to kill time, she had gone for her run, not once, twice but three separate times, cleaned the apartment, twice, going over her bills and finance, read two chapters of a self-help book, and finally reverted to listening to Country music and writing down her random thoughts. What would she do if Rick and Alexis accepted her apology? What would she do if one or the other didn't? She knew that there could be nothing between her and Rick without his daughter's blessing, and that worried her more than Rick's response.

She had gone over what she would say if they asked her any of the sample questions that popped into her mind, and she had recorded on paper over the last 30 hours. She was just picking up her phone when an incoming mail pinged, and frightened her into almost dropping it. The email had an attachment and was from the courier company she had employed to deliver the letters. The email simply read, Document Delivered, required receipt attached.

She opened the attachment to view the signed receipt, and something was off, it was darn close to Rick's but what was it, oh the C was slightly larger than she remembered which meant, someone else signed for it. She vaguely recalled living at the Loft and Alexis and Rick kidding about the signing of permission slips, so if it was Alexis, she only prayed Rick saw his letter.

Well, at least one of the two received it, now all she could do, Hell all she could do was what she had been doing wait. She knew the Captain was with them until tomorrow (Sunday) afternoon, so she didn't dare try to contact him while Roy was there relaxing. It would raise questions she didn't want to have to answer. Well, another miserable night trying to figure out what to do to keep busy, she grabbed War and Peace from her bookshelf, a copy of the original in Russian, and headed to the couch, it was going to be a long night and day tomorrow.

Xx

**Hamptons Beach House**

**Saturday 7:00 PM**

They had just finished another one of Rick's examples of culinary excellence, the man could cook, and the grill was his favorite. Evelyn kidded him,

"Rick, if you get tired of writing the murder mysteries, try a cookbook, you'd be surprised at how many women would buy it not even knowing what a great cook you really are" she laughed,

"Don't tempt me, Evelyn, someday you may see me on the Cooking Network" he laughed,

The rest of the evening was spent in quiet, just friends enjoying the company of the others.

"So, Rick, when do you head back across the pond?" Roy asked,

"Tuesday at 7:00 AM, Alexis has been lucky they allowed her to work remotely, but she has some big tests coming up and we need to get back, nothing is left here that the lawyers can't handle," he said with a sad smile,

Well, I for one, and I know Evelyn will miss you all, thank you again for just what I needed, I feel a thousand pounds lighter from the weight on my shoulder. I know the Financial Advisor will make the decision concrete, just a few details to work out, and I can finally give her what she's wanted." He smiled as he pulled his wife in close to him.

"More than welcome Roy, and remember, this house is vacant most of the time, if you want to come back and catch the partner to that minnow you had mounted, you're more than welcome" Rick smiled and Roy knew he was sincere,

"As I told you, I may be taking you up on that sooner than you think, we do appreciate the offer Rick, it's a slice of heaven out here."

"Well Roy, we better call it an evening if we plan on getting out of here before the Sunday rush back to the city, Thanks for everything Rick, Linda, Gina and Alexis, we really had a great time" Evelyn, always the gracious one, said as she pulled her husband away.

"Well, that's it for me as well, I'll probably be up and out before you're up Linda, Rick, no need to get up, I'll make coffee, and then head back in. Thanks for allowing me to spend this time with you all, I need to talk to Alexis, then I'm turning in." she leaned in kissed Linda's cheek briefly and gave Rick a sweet short kiss, as she headed upstairs. She turned and said, "Please call me if any of you need anything, promise?"

"Of course, Gina, and Thanks for being here," Rick said,

"Well" Rick said,

"Well indeed Rick, do you want to talk about it, or should I just drop it and draw my own conclusion," Linda said softly,

"What? What are you talking about Linda?"

"The letter you tossed on the dresser from Kate, I know Alexis spent a long time alone in her room after she opened hers, do you want to be alone Rick, I mean I can give you space if that's what you need," she said softly,

"No, of course not, I'm just not sure I even want to know what she said. If I know her like I think I do, it will be a bunch of I'm sorry, and somehow it wasn't her fault that she wasn't here for me, her partner, well at least in my eyes she was my partner. Maybe that's the problem, she never considered me anything more than a co-worker, whatever it is like I said, I'm not sure I want to even re-open it."

"Rick, I talked to Alexis, she told me you would be this way, and that it would be wrong, and against what you taught her growing up. She quoted you about letting people have the chance to say they are sorry, doesn't mean you necessarily have to forgive them, but it's better if you do."

"Sometimes I wish I hadn't been such a good Dad, but she's right, I do owe her at least the courtesy of reading it, so how does that make you feel Linda?"

"Well, how would you feel if situations were reversed and the letter was from my ex?"

"I, well I guess I would tell you to at least read it, it might answer some unanswered questions we all have about what the hell happened. That's different though, you were in a relationship, a*"

"Rick are we in a relationship? What's its title? Am I your Partner, Caregiver, Lover? What I'm saying is you don't need titles put on feelings between two individuals, and yes you do owe her at least that, read the letter, Rick, I'll be here if you need me." She kissed him and got up and started upstairs,

"Hey, where you going?"

"To my room, come get me once you've read it, I don't want to cloud my feelings for her with anything more, it's your letter read and then we can talk."

"Linda, I wish you would read it with me, I mean, I'm not hiding anything, and I don't want anything to come between us, so would you please read it with me?"

"I'm sorry Rick, but no. You have to read what she wrote without worrying what I'm thinking or reading between the lines, I wouldn't let you read a letter from Al if he ever wrote one. Those are emotions and memories that started way before we met, and your judgment shouldn't be clouded with me laying on the bed all seductive. You should concentrate on what was written. You need to decide whether to forgive her or not, not up to me, or us, this is yours alone."

"You're not backing down from this are you" he whined,

"No, Rick, read it, think about it, and then if you want to talk come and get me, but don't ask me questions like what I would do, or what you should do, Sweetie, you have to decide." As she walked back down and kissed him sweetly,

"Look, I love you, but if, or when you ever get over her, I don't want to be the one you settled for. I don't want to be the one anyone settles for. I can't shield your heart or wipe your memory, you have to decide, but Rick please be sure in your decision. You can break two hearts with your choice if it doesn't work out with either of us. See you in a bit," as she kissed him and retired to her room.

He sat on the couch, the sound of her door closing softly was a stark opposite from Beckett and his last discussion, well fight. She had slammed the door behind him after kicking him out, so out of options, he walked towards his room, grabbing the letter on his way.

Xx

He had showered and dressed in comfortable PJ's read his emails, basically avoiding the letter for as long as he could, but now was the time to face the music. He looked down, her handwriting was always so beautiful, he would be able to pick it out from anywhere, tearing the envelope carefully, he removed 12 pages of her neat writing on the stationary that Alexis and he had picked out the first Christmas, funny she would choose that.

He read the first two paragraphs which didn't reveal anything new to him, she had said she had written Alexis, although he had no idea what was in her letter, and her condolences for Martha. He was surprised at how open and candid she had written about Coonan, him attempting to leave and her talking him out of it, what was a revelation was she admitted to beginning to have feelings for him, even using the L word once.

He knew that Kyra had talked to Kate, he didn't know about what, he had assumed to ask for details of how their relationship ended and who he cheated on her with. Again, she was open and forthright, fully admitting to others who had talked her about her feelings, including Jordan Shaw, a married Federal Agent that had driven her jealousy genes into overdrive.

_**What a fool, I chased revenge instead of happiness, not my words but those of my therapist**_. Kate had actually admitted that she was in therapy, or at least had been and that her justice search was costing her happiness. The KB he knew would never have admitted that even under torture.

She had confessed to Alexis, what the hell was she talking about, _**, I actually confessed to Alexis what happened when you thought I didn't care enough to check on you, it's easily verified with the nursing staff at both hospitals if you want to check, and I don't blame you if you do.**_

He continued to read, the letter was nothing as he expected, when she actually took a question he _**Why, or Why Now Kate? **_That he would have asked in a conversation, it was still puzzling why she was acting like this now when she had never shown any feelings, greater than a friend, sometimes, most times it was Can I shoot him yet?

The next paragraph confirmed what Roy had mentioned about Deming, _**I failed you, I failed Alexis, and I most definitely failed Martha, who rooted for us to get together for the longest time. We even had lunch several times and she always encouraged me to tell you how I felt, but I hurt you trying to play stupid High School games. I broke up with Deming the day you left, he never stood a chance, and I felt bad because I led him on to try to make you jealous. It backfired, and I wound up hurting both of you and suffering myself. **_

As he read her words, he still really didn't feel the old pull or sudden urge to "I have to tell Kate" that others kidded him about so much before. Frankly, the words were nice as an apology, but if she wanted to take things further than the "friendship" he had agreed to, this did nothing but remind him of the day, and the hurt he had felt, it certainly wasn't a day he wanted to remember.

He read on, coming to the part where she described her fear when he was rushed to the hospital, thank God for Vinny, that man could never take no for an answer, and he owed his life to his neighbor. He knew that she didn't like hospitals, she had never before opened up that she actually had a fear of them, and he certainly was glad that she was able to be there to meet Alexis and her Grams. They both trusted her, and he was sure she made it as easy as possible for them when she broke the news.

He was doing well until he read;

_**I did confess something to you that night, I doubt you heard it or would have believed it even if you did, I told you I loved you for the first time.**_

_**That hasn't changed, but I know we have, mostly because of me and for that, I will always have regrets. Now, I know there is someone else in your life, even if you don't see it, others do, Linda loves you so I won't ask for anything more than your friendship and forgiveness in time.**_

_**Thanks for reading this, I hope you've made it this far without throwing it out, but I wouldn't blame you if you did. Thanks for your friendship in the past, and hopefully in the future for years to come. Now, Rick, I will ask you, for all the times, and events that I have hurt you, I beg your forgiveness, **_

_**Always,**_

_**Kate**_

He read the last paragraph over again, then again, if she truly loved him, why the Hell would she hurt him so deeply. That part made no sense, perhaps she was missing his theory building, or having someone to put down consistently, that wasn't loving someone, that was equal to a playground bully. Growing up the way he had, if there was anything, he was familiar with it was bullying.

He knew he had to tell Linda something, he would be going crazy if it were him that was waiting. He knew Linda loved him but was it a deep enough love, that he could keep KB out of his mind, now knowing that she had confessed to having feelings for him? Rethinking that thought, he realized it wasn't Linda's love that was in question, it was his to her, did he love her more than Kate, or would he ever be able to?

In her room, Linda wept quietly, she knew, she always knew that as long as Kate Beckett was alive, she would have some part of Rick's heart. She had to decide, was what they had good enough knowing that she may never have his love exclusively, or was it time to start making plans. It seemed like Rick wasn't the only one who had serious thinking going on.

TBC


	14. Chapter 14

**Belated Memories** **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously **

_**He knew he had to tell Linda something, he would be going crazy if it were him that was waiting. He knew Linda loved him but was it a deep enough love, that he could keep KB out of his mind, now knowing that she had confessed to having feelings for him? Rethinking that thought, he realized it wasn't Linda's love that was in question, it was his to her, did he love her more than Kate, or would he ever be able to?**_

_**In her room, Linda wept quietly, she knew, she always knew that as long as Kate Beckett was alive, she would have some part of Rick's heart. She had to decide, was what they had good enough knowing that she may never have his love exclusively, or was it time to start making plans. It seemed like Rick wasn't **_*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 14**

**FLASHBACK 4 Years, (Month SIX of Rick's Departure Cont'd)**

**Kate's PO**

**Hamptons Beach House**

**Later that Evening**

Rick had walked by Linda's room, hoping to quietly get her to come back down and discuss the letter, but he realized it had already been 4 hours since she left him downstairs with the instructions to read the letter then come get her if he wanted to discuss it. He thought he heard her cry softly, but with guests in the house, he thought perhaps tomorrow would provide some privacy for them to discuss what the situation was as if he even knew himself.

He turned back to Kate's letter and decided she did need an answer, not that he knew exactly what he was going to say, so he took the letter out once again. Reviewing it paragraph by paragraph he made some writing notes and copied certain portions to cite in his response. Then he began, just like a draft of a book, he opened a word document, and started hammering the keys to jot down his thoughts. He'd go back and put structure and insert the quotes where needed, but he needed to capture his emotions without worry about a semicolon or comma.

Three hours later the final version was ready to be either printed or handwritten on stationery and returned. He read it one last time just to insure he had covered the points he wanted to make.

_**Dear Kate,**_

_**First, thank you for writing the letter, I haven't spoken to Alexis, but I'm sure she was appreciative as well, knowing you don't share a great deal about yourself. I know this had to be extremely difficult for you, I seem to be having the same difficulty in writing this response.**_

_**I'm sure Mother enjoyed lunches with you, and I'm glad you felt the way you did about her. She was a wonderful lady, one that will be missed more than I can express, so thank you for your kind thoughts and words about her.**_

_**I remember the day in the precinct when you chose to save my life, over capturing the man who took your Mom's, and I also remember our talk afterward. If you truly had feelings for me as you say, you did a great job of hiding them, as usual. My takeaway was a friend who forgave another friend and asked him to stay on, to help her in his own way get justice for others. **_

_**I also remember how conflicted I was when I said yes, perhaps if I had walked away then, we both could have saved a great deal of emotional distress, I can only speak for myself, but if your letter is true, you had to go through some of the same hell I did over the last several years. The big difference, in fact, the only difference Kate, you controlled our outcome, I was merely a participant.**_

_**I knew you spoke to Kyra; I didn't know of the others or what they had told you about my feelings for you. I know Kyra cried when she admitted knowing that she had made the biggest mistake of her life, she loved Gregg, but she knew in her heart things would have been so much better had she stood up to her mother. **_

_**I didn't know she told you she could tell I had feelings for you, but I don't cross the line with others who are in relationships. I know you don't know this, few ever bother to check the public record, assuming as you have that I was the party who was unfaithful, but it's documented in court cases that were untrue. Shocked I am sure Detective, perhaps a little disappointed in your investigation skills, but if you really had feelings for me, this is something you would have asked about or investigated to learn the truth. Perhaps that puts the Deming Debacle into more perspective now. **_

_**I knew that your Mom's case would always come first, and everything else second to that. I accepted that, hoping that I could help bring justice to your Mom and then develop some kind of relationship with you. That ended when the lie, "I have to work Castle, I used all my vacation days looking for a place" blew up in your face. **_

_**Deming was the innocent one in this, he did nothing wrong except pursuing an attractive female, but you Detective chose to lie, and then for toppers, to put on a display of public kissing on the stairwell. Was that supposed to make me jealous? You really don't know me at all, which is why I went to the Hamptons ALONE. I wanted to end the series, end our partnership, forget I ever set foot into the 12**__**th**__** precinct, not because I was jealous or angry, but to allow you space to be happy.**_

_**I've said it to others and I will tell you point-blank, I don't hold up much hope for the renewal of our friendship, within 3 months you will find something of higher priority than our letters and will stop writing, it's not a prediction Kate, it's your history. **_

_**Thank you for staying with me during the ordeal at the Hamptons. I'm sorry but I hadn't gotten to updating my ICE in my phone to Gina from you, again, I'm truly sorry for the ordeal you went through, but our family thanks you for sticking it out. I'm glad to hear you are in therapy, it helps tremendously IF you don't fight it, and take it seriously. I just completed mine, although I thought about calling her again once we return to England. **_

_**One of the topics Dr. Ambrite and I discussed was your death bed confession, I heard you, Kate, I don't believe you, but I heard you. Dr. A and I worked through the many reasons those three words are said, especially near someone's final moments. We've come to a reasonable conclusion that motivated you, especially based on your behavior immediately preceding my health scare, it was not love but GUILT. She said the behavior you displayed before actually showed your true feelings, and the expression made at my bedside was to relieve you of any guilt should I have not made it. NOT my words Detective, but my therapists, which made much more sense to me than you actually having feelings for me.**_

_**I don't discuss my personal life Detective, that's why it's called personal, gee sound familiar? What you read on page six, is fabricated to sell books, concocted by Paul and Gina, whose bonus relies on increased sales. If you really knew me, if you had used the time you spent in our home to learn about me, I'm sure you would have a completely different picture of the Richard Castle that you first saw, and unfortunately kept even till today.**_

_**I don't live in a world harbored by hate or unforgiveness Kate, I forgave you the minute I left for England and a new chapter in my life. Revenge is not something I seek, but as the saying goes, Once Burned, Twice Learned, I try not to fall into the same pitfalls again. There is nothing to forgive so clear your conscious, and move on.**_

_**As I mentioned, things have changed, our friendship is based on history, and again, I'm betting that it doesn't mean as much to you in a few months as you think it does now. Soon I will be a memory, and with it, the importance of communicating with each other will be gone. I will tell you this, IF I write three letters over a course of three weeks and don't receive a response, then the friendship, as you describe it is truly over.**_

_**I wish you well Detective, and am truly thankful for the time we had to spend together,**_

_**Sincerely,**_

_**Castle.**_

Rick thought for a few minutes, then hit the Print Icon on the document, retrieving the pages from behind him, he sorted them to the final page and added his signature, it matched the printed words of just his last name.

Xx

**Later that Afternoon **

Alexis had excused herself to go to a party, Gina had left just after 6:00 AM, and Roy and Evelyn had departed immediately after breakfast. It was an emotional goodbye between Roy and Rick, almost as it was forever.

"Linda, do you want to talk about last night and the letter," Rick asked softly

"Rick, I have my own opinion about KB, if you want to discuss it, we can, but please don't give me details, I have enough of those in my head already"

"Linda, we've grown close and I know the letter bothered you, what I'd like to know is why, and what I can do to make you feel better about it."

"Really, Rick, it was stupid on my part, I don't own you, Hell outside of a few kisses, we haven't even shown affection. I just want you to be happy, and the look of pain on your face when you received the letter, you can hide it from others, but I was the one by your bedside night and day and I know every look on your face. That pained you deeply. I just don't want you to get hurt again, I'm sorry but that's how I feel"

Rick walked over, took her hand and gently led her to the couch,

"Thank you, Linda, I know you care, I wish I could tell you what I think you feel, but right now, the heart is just getting the pieces back together. I'm sorry, but I can't offer you anything more than that. I wish you would read the letters; I really do. I don't think it will make you hate KB or like her any more than how you feel now"

"OK Rick, you win, I'll read them."

He reached down and handed her first Kate's letter to him, then his response. He waited for her to completely read the two, side by side before he asked,

"Well, you gonna tell me what you think, or am I going to have to tickle it out of you" as he grabbed her and begin to tickle her sides,

She broke free, and then smiled, "Is this how you really feel Rick, or how you wish you felt"

"It's how I truly feel, is that wrong Linda?"

"Not in my eyes, I'm surprised, I thought you would be making arrangements to move back and pick up where she thinks you left off, and I would be out, I'm sorry Rick. I should have had more faith in you, but she's been your Kryptonite since I met you."

"I understand Linda, so are we good now?"

"Yes Rick, we're good"

Xx

**Rick's Villa**

**Just outside London England**

**The following week**

Rick, Alexis, and Linda had returned to England in time for Alexis to get caught up with some class notes, and prepare for Mid-Term exams. Rick had decided to write a book about Martha, and Linda, now that Rick was healthy, wanted to return to work, something Rick opposed staunchly.

"Why on earth do you want to work Linda, you have a full-time job, you're my nurse."

"Tell me one thing I do for you Richard Castle, name one? I need to get back to what my calling is, to help people, it would be like me asking you to give up your writing or forbidding you to experiment in the kitchen, two passions of yours."

Several days of discussion about the same topic until Rick finally understood, he was being selfish, he had not committed to Linda in any way, other than a job. Here she was almost 7 months into being his nurse, with no guarantee of anything further, although he paid her almost twice the normal rate, she never wanted to feel like a kept woman. She had an urge to help others, so reluctantly he relented.

It wasn't a week later, Linda started as the Nursing Director for an outreach clinic for unwed, or low-income families. Rick visited her a few times, and suddenly the equipment and supplies that had been needed for years suddenly appeared. He even paid to have the nursing lounge completely remodeled, with comfortable lounge chairs, recliners, a small kitchen, and new showers.

Linda was overjoyed not only that Rick believed in what she was doing, but the morale of the entire staff had totally changed. The patients were the recipients of the good fortune, and that made her happy. Rick noticed a spark reignite in Linda as she talked about her day, something he looked forward to each day to share her experiences. Each day she seemed to return to her old self, full of life and happiness, even Alexis remarked that Linda looked alive again, and approved of what she was doing.

Xx

**New York**

**Two Days after Rick's Return to England**

Kate had been on pins and needles since she sent the letters. She questioned first, if Alexis was the one who signed for them, did Rick even see his? It wasn't like him not to respond; it was impolite and he was always a gentleman. She had received his address, via text, as promised with his address. It read simply, _**Detective, address correspondence to 247 Noak Hill Road, Romford UK RM3.**_ Now she had his phone number, at least the one used to send the text. The text was received on Tuesday, and once again she heard Roy speak as she busied herself outside of his office.

"_**Thanks, Rick, safe travels friend, I appreciate all you did for us, for all of us, and Evelyn is on cloud nine. Then a pause, then he spoke again, his words almost freezing her in her tracks. "No, I've got to talk to her when I get off the phone, I've already put in the paperwork to HR, spoke to Commissioner, and Mr. Mayor. I gave them 4 months, and Boyle said if Beckett passed the exam the 12**__**th**__** was hers, and to tell you the truth Rick, I feel lighter now that the decision has been made. I'll talk to you soon friend, maybe from your house in the Hamptons soon",**_ as he laughed and bid a reluctant farewell to his friend.

She staggered back to her desk reeling from the news, her Captain, her mentor, would be leaving her as well, everyone that mattered in her life always did. She was brought out of her fog with the sound of Roy's voice booming,

"Beckett, my office, now"

"I know you heard my conversation with Rick, so now that you are in my office, shut the door."

"Sir?"

"Kate, please don't placate me, your hair bun is higher than your cover, I knew you were listening to us all the time."

"So, it's true Sir, you are retiring in 4 months? What's with this if I pass the exam the precinct is mine?"

"Well, in reward for your closure rate and work ethic, Commissioner Boyle wants you to succeed me"

"But Sir, I haven't passed the exam"

"I know, there's one in six weeks, take some time, study and don't blow it. If you fail, Captain Hayward will get the 12th and screw it up as bad as he has the 17th"

"Captain Hayward Sir? Everyone knows he's a jerk, he has more HR issues pending than anyone"

"Like I said, pass the exam, it's yours, fail and you screw up everyone here Kate, frankly I care, but I don't. My date is set, and we are making plans to enjoy retirement." Dismissed he barked

Kate left his office totally in a fog, what the hell was going on, Castle left, now Roy, hell who was next. She didn't have to wait long till she found out, there on her desk were requests for transfers from both Ryan and Esposito. This was too much, she shut her computer down and headed for the door, she had to get out of there, things were happening too fast.

She made her way home, thinking what the hell did she do, what was wrong with the world, everyone close to her either had left, or had plans to do so. She picked her mail up, and barely noticed the handwriting on the envelope, it was Rick's. Finally, she thought, some good news, till she made her way to her apartment and hurriedly opened the letter, it only capped what had been one of the most difficult days in her life as her tears fell, she felt so alone again, all alone.

TBC


	15. Chapter 15

**Belated Memories** **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously **

_**Kate left his office totally in a fog, what the hell was going on, Castle left, now Roy, hell who was next. She didn't have to wait long till she found out, there on her desk were requests for transfers from both Ryan and Esposito. This was too much, she shut her computer down and headed for the door, she had to get out of there, things were happening too fast.**_

_**She made her way home, thinking what the hell did she do, what was wrong with the world, everyone close to her either had left, or had plans to do so. She picked her mail up, and barely noticed the handwriting on the envelope, it was Rick's. Finally, she thought, some good news, till she made her way to her apartment and hurriedly opened the letter, it only capped what had been one of the most difficult days in her life as her tears fell, she felt so alone again, all alone.**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 15**

**FLASHBACK (Two years since Rick's Departure, 18 months since she last saw him)**

**Kate's POV**

**12****th**** Precinct**

**New York, **

Captain Kate Beckett, she was still getting accustomed to the new title, just as she was the loss of Roy, Javi, and Kevin. Roy, true to his word retired 4 months to the day she had tried to hide outside his office. Javi transferred back to the 54th where he was now lead detective, and Kevin had left the force. After he and Jenny married, the irregular work hours, on-call, middle of the night calls had grown too much for a young bride and now mother. Kevin was now Managing Detective for RIC Investigations, Rick had taken care of his friends even from a distance, and after all this time. Roy had put the word in and Rick made Kevin an offer he couldn't refuse.

Rick, funny she should think about him now, he was right again. Hell, he knew her better than she knew herself. She had glanced at the last three letters he had written to her, almost 15 months since the last one was received, on her way out the door this morning, just as she did every morning. She had intended to reply, she honestly had but things at work had been so hectic she just never seemed to have time to sit down and write. It was a bullshit excuse she knew; one he had predicted even in his letter to her almost two years ago.

She read the letters often knowing that there was no reason to reply now, she had already passed the expiration date and Rick had definitely moved on. She had subscribed to the Daily Mail, pitiful she thought, but it was one of the ways, along with BBC to keep up with his activities. What came as a shock to her was a release of a new book, not published from Black Pawn, but by Harpers, in New York, it was titled, _**Mothers Love, As Close to God as I've Ever Been**_.

Rick had outdone himself with this book, his heart was left on each page as she read, often crying with each page. He chronicled Martha's life from early teen years, many facts had never been made public before, but the obstacles she had to overcome, first from her family then society as a whole. He poured out his heart, much as he had with her, but this time it was love and admiration for his Mother. When she finished the book, she had a new respect for Martha Rogers, life had been hard for her, so it was no wonder she loved the party life later in life, hell she deserved it.

She found out that Rick and Linda had been in New York three weeks after they flew back to London, Harper's held a one-day National Book Signing at Four Seasons, and had feeds hooked into the huge ballroom, using new software, Rick could electronically transfer his signature to a book, even if he was 1,000 miles away. The book hit the bestseller list in 9 days. She happened to mention the new book to Lanie, who let it slip that they all had dinner with Linda and him, Javi, Kevin, Jenny, Roy and Evelyn, and Lannie.

"You did what? When, Where, and where the hell was I? I mean I would have loved to see him as well"

"Cool your jets, Kate, you were on your 4-day Bike Rally tour with the airheaded surgeon of yours. You weren't around, or Kevin would have invited you."

"Well how was he, I mean, eh"

"You want to know if he and Linda are still together, the answer is yes, and they both looked happy, so without a doubt, they're a couple, he introduced her as his dearest friend, to us so it looks like time has healed wounds for one of you two."

Kate blushed but had no reply.

"Captain Montgomery sends his regards, congratulations, and condolences, in that order, I've never seen him looking so relaxed. Retirement is agreeing with him, or it could be his new summer home"

"What do you mean new summer home Lanie, you're pissing me off, throwing out these statements and then not telling me what the hell is going on" Kate huffed,

"When was the last time you spoke to Roy Kate? I bet it was at his retirement party, wasn't it? Well, Javi calls him once a month, and the three Kev, Roy and Javi go out for a boy's night, usually at the Haunt because Rick still owns it and they drink free. At least they get together and make the effort Kate, it's a wonder you have any friends, the way you hole up."

"This isn't about me Lanie, are you gonna tell me where Roy's summer home is or not?" Kate was going from upset, to Pissed Off with a capital P.

"If you must know, he and Evelyn stay in Rick's Hampton Beach House the entire summer. Rick and Linda have made it back a few times, but Linda is some hotshot director of a company over there so it's hard for her to get away, Rick won't leave his ladies as he calls them."

"Since When? You think someone would have told me about Roy and Evelyn, they're my friends too"

"Well, if they are your friends, they would have told you, IF you had called them"

Kate's head drops but she wasn't prepared for the remainder of Lanie's comment.

"I asked Rick how things were between you and him, he just replied, there is no Kate and Rick, she wrote for two months, and as I warned her, I wrote three more letters, all went unanswered, so she killed the friendship. She's just someone I used to work with as my therapist put it, and I'm finally moving on."

Lanie softened for a second, and said, "Sorry Kate, but you did this to yourself, so now you have to live with it."

Kate looked out the window, trying to compose herself, and finally got out,

"I saw his new book is doing great, he should be proud."

"Oh, he is, he had signed copies in hardback for us all, even Jenny's mother who just happened to be at the restaurant at the same time, so Rick invited her over, he hasn't changed still the gentleman."

"So, you think it's serious with him and Linda?"

"Kate, I'm not going to tell things that are really none of your business, I will tell you that I know they're sleeping together, so if that is serious then yes. Of course, you and Deming were doing the same one day and broke up the next"

"Lanie, that's ancient history, did you really have to bring that up?"

"I'm just reminding you that you chased him away, he would have never left, not for a million years, if you had made one call, one sign of caring about him. Why Kate? Why can you swoon all over Dr. MB, and Deming and you treated Rick like yesterday's garbage? I never could figure that out, and I'm your best friend."

"Things between Castle and I were difficult,"

"That's bullshit, Kate, and why is it you can call everyone else by their first name, but Castle is the one you use for the man who tried oh so hard to win you over. Face it, Kate, Linda didn't win him, you threw him to her. Get over it and enjoy your life with the Doctor. Just for the record, you may want to drop in at the hospital and look for nurse Georgine, try the supply closet or break room if my intel is right. I don't want to see you made a fool of, but girl, you are making it hard not to."

"What are you saying that Josh is cheating?"

"I'm saying to check where and when I told you, now I got to go," as she left for the elevator,

Kate was shocked, was it, could it be true, Josh cheating? What about Rick being so close and she was out on a Motorcycle run, why did it have to be that day. She closed her door and pulled the blinds, one of the advantages of being Captain, privacy when she needed it.

She pulled out her cell and dialed a number from memory,

"Ryan here"

"Hi Kev, it's Kate"

"Sorry Who?" came the reply

"BECKETT" she snapped,

"Oh, hi Kate, I haven't heard from you in God knows when what do you need?"

"Well for one, I want to know why I wasn't invited to Rick's dinner, I understand I was the only one that was missing from a reunion"

"Kate, you were invited, I called and your boyfriend answered. He said you were in the shower, but he would pass it along"

"WHAT? You called and Josh told you he would pass along the message? That SOB never said a word, he rescheduled the motorcycle run by a week, I couldn't figure out why now I know.

"Kevin, I want to hire you for a simple job, find out if Josh is cheating, Lanie dropped hints, but I*"

"Kate where do think Lanie got her information? I have the pictures and audio if you want, one of our inspectors had an appendectomy and heard the scuttlebutt about one doctor cheating on a female cop, a captain no less" he didn't have to look hard till he found the doctor, and passed the information on to me."

"Where you ever going to tell me Kev?"

"Kate, I mentioned the rumors to you the last time you joined Lanie at the Haunt, and you bit my head off. You know I don't work for you anymore, and this bullshit of you always demanding is getting old. Your boyfriend is a cheater and you take it out on me, newsflash Kate, I'm not Rick, I don't put up with the abuse as he did."

There was silence on the line for a long moment, before Kate, whispered softly, "I'm sorry Kev, I didn't mean to take it out on you, do I really do that?"

"What Kate? Take out your anger and frustration on Rick when he was here? Are you sure you want me to answer that because you won't like it"

"I think you just answered it. Kev, does Rick know about this? I mean you're the Managing Detective, so did it go any higher than you?"

"Kate, Rick's my boss, as well as a friend, and anytime we devote resources to a nonpaying contract, Rick has to approve it. So yes Rick, knew, approved us to spend the time and money and knows the results"

"Great, just great, Thanks Kevin, can you send me a copy of the files, I'll pay you the fee"

"Rick already approved sending you a copy free of charge when the time was right,"

"When pray tell did he know the time was right if I could ask Kev?"

"When you contacted one of us, Kate, you cut us all out of your life like a surgeon cuts a tumor out of a body, you left us all to go our way, never once thinking that anyone of us could have used your help once or twice along the way"

Once again silence, then Kate said quietly, "Thanks Kevin, again, I'm sorry, I'll work on it," give my regards to Jenny.

"Kate, the files are on their way, and I'm sure Jenny would love to hear from Sara Grace's God Mother. Why don't you give her a call"?

"Thanks, Kevin, I'll make a point of it" as she hung up the phone, both parties wondering would she ever make the attempt.

Xx

Kate was wound tighter than a spring on a cheap toy, she didn't know what to do. Just as she had changed her mind for the hundredth, time, her phone rang,

"Beckett"

"Hi Hon, it's me, what are you up to?"

Kate hated being called Hon, almost as much as Katie, only her Dad got away with that.

"Just thinking about plans for later, you working late again Josh?"

"Actually no, I wanted to know if I could pick up a bottle of wine and we could stay in tonight?"

"That sounds great, how about 7:00, I'll have things ready"

"Great, See you then,"

Kate made copies of the pictures the detective had captured, several copies, she made a few copies of the noises they uttered from the room as well, and had it copied to a CD, she would queue it up tonight to let the cheating SOB know she was on to him.

Xx

Precisely at 6:59 PM, Josh let himself into Kate's apartment to find it lit with low lights. He made his way carefully in and as his eyes became adjusted to the dark, he could see a slide show set up,

"Glad you could make it, I think you'll enjoy what I have planned for you" Kate said seductively, "Let me see your key", as she took it from his fingers, Josh filling with anticipation, then she hit the recorder and he heard Georgine and him, that wasn't bad enough but the slide show started with the pictures, and he knew he was busted.

"Kate let me explain, I mean,"

"Get Out!" Never show your face here again or I will blow your cheating ass away, Your shit is at the security desk downstairs, the locks will be changed, and Josh, hear me, you've made a fool of me, and I won't think twice about shooting your balls off and stuffing them in your big mouth, now get out.

Oh, one more thing, you might want to think about moving, several of my friends found out that you answered my phone and moved the bike rally to keep me from seeing Castle, I doubt you can make it home tonight without at least one or two tickets."

She watched the two-timing SOB leave for the last time, little did he know that his bike had been adjusted by the apartment staff who knew he had been cheating on her. He received 4 separate tickets in less than 6 miles and almost got taken to jail. It was a night the good Doctor would not soon forget.

Kate couldn't help thinking how things would be different, IF ONLY, she answered his letters, he had warned her, so it wasn't a surprise when he broke off contact. She couldn't understand why she had taken him for granted, after all, he had been through, and her knowing the leash was short, she did it again. As she cried, she thought of all the old times, Roy, Javi, Kev, and Rick, what she wouldn't give to go back to those days,

TBC


	16. Chapter 16

**Belated Memories** **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously **

"_**Rick already approved sending you a copy free of charge when the time was right,"**_

"_**When pray tell did he know the time was right, if I could ask Kev?"**_

"_**When you contacted one of us, Kate, you cut us all out of your life like a surgeon cuts a tumor out of a body, you left us all to go our way, never once thinking that anyone of us could have used your help once or twice along the way"**_

_**Once again silence, then Kate said quietly, "Thanks Kevin, again, I'm sorry, I'll work on it," give my regards to Jenny.**_

"_**Kate, the files are on their way, and I'm sure Jenny would love to hear from Sara Grace's God Mother. **_*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 16**

**FLASHBACK (Three years 1 month since Rick's Departure, 31 months since she last saw him)**

**Kate's POV**

**NYPD One PP**

**7:15 AM Monday **

Kate had arrived 45 minutes early for a full day of meetings at One PP and had just found a seat in the Conference room reserved, to enjoy her bear claw and coffee. She was reviewing her budget numbers, preparing to present her latest budget requests when Commissioner Frank Boyle joined her in the room.

"Good Morning Sir,"

"Good Morning Captain, I trust all is well"

"Yes Sir, everything is going fine" she lied, her life, well her personal life was a train wreck. She had a job she thought she always wanted, only to find she should have heeded Roy's advice and stayed in the field."

Over the next forty minutes the remaining precincts wandered in until 8:00 AM Commissioner Boyle locked the room, one of his quirks, if you arrived late you didn't enter until the first or next break.

Only Captain Hayward from the 17th was missing, it was usual for him to miss at least the first portion of every meeting and some wondered how he kept his job. Just before she was supposed to present her budget requests, Commissioner Boyle got a 9-1-1 from his Administrative Manager, and excused himself, calling the first break very early.

"Take 15 minutes for this break and be back promptly please," he had warned.

When Kate returned less than 8 minutes later, she could see something very wrong was troubling the Commissioner,

"Sir, are you OK, you look pale, almost like you saw a ghost" Kate asked,

Lori his assistant came in just then with a bottle of water and two tablets, and just patted her boss's arm in a reassuring manner.

"Captain, let's wait for the others please, but thank you for your concern."

Less than 5 minutes later, all had returned, including the previously missing Captain Hayward. Once again Boyle turned, and locked the door.

"I apologize up front in case I lose my composure, but I was called out to take a call with terrible news. Evelyn Montgomery, wife of Roy, Captain of the 12th for over 20 years who retired just shy of 2 years ago, has passed away suddenly from what appears to have been a heart attack. Official COD will be determined at Presbyterian Hospital, where he was transported by The Hamptons Rescue Squad, earlier this morning. Captain Beckett, you are hereby assigned special duty to be with the family since of all of us, you knew him the best, and would be best suited to assist Evelyn and his daughters through this time."

"Yes Sir" Kate replied through her tears, she tried desperately to hold back but without success.

"This meeting is adjourned, we will advise funeral arrangements at a future date, please plan on Dress Blues, and I fully expect 100% on time attendance" as he turned and stared through Captain Hayward. "Captain Beckett, a word please?"

"Yes Sir, you wanted to speak to me sir?"

Kate, off the record now, I know how close you and Roy were before he retired. I also know that he kept in touch with several of the members or former members of the 12th. I would like you to be the one to inform Sgt. Esposito, and Inspector Ryan, as for Richard Castle, I have already spoken to him.

I'm very sorry for our loss, but especially for you, since I think you were the only one who had not seen Roy since his retirement party. I hope things were good between you two, and there are no regrets for things that would have like to have been spoken.

Please work with Evelyn, she knows you are her point of contact, and make sure it is with full honors, no shortcuts. Mr. Mayor has already approve it if anyone asks."

"Any Questions Kate?"

"Yes Sir, just one, did Castle indicate that he and Linda would be attending, or just sending condolences."

"Kate, I thought you knew, Rick and Linda are with Evelyn in the Hamptons, have been for almost a month now."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Sir, I wasn't aware. I'll plan accordingly sir"

"Kate, I'm really sorry about things between you and Rick, but let's stick to the focus on hand, honoring a great cop, and a great man, Dismissed.

Kate made her way to the 12th precinct on auto-pilot, still stunned, and broken-hearted over the news of Roy, but now Boyle had her assigned to Evelyn, who was in the Hampton's house that belonged to Rick, how more awkward could this get. As she was driving, she took advantage of the newer model car her rank provided for her and utilized the blue tooth feature to call Esposito first, then Ryan if she had time.

The phone rang, once, twice and on the third ring she heard, "Sgt Esposito, Homicide"

"Javi, it's Kate,"

"Hey Kate, what's the occasion, I haven't heard from you since I don't know when."

"Well, I know Javi and I'm sorry about that, but you know how things are at work, anyway, this is a tough call to make, we got word just about an hour ago that Captain Montgomery passed away after a heart attack. I guess he was in the Hamptons and the EMT's brought him to Presbyterian, where they pronounce him DOA."

"Kate you got to be kidding, or wrong, if this is a joke it really isn't funny"

"I'm sorry Javi, I wish I could wake up and it would all be gone too, but it's real, I have to make some calls, Keven is next, then I have to see where Evelyn wants to conduct business from, the Hamptons House of Rick's or her and Roy's home."

"I'm betting the Hamptons Kate, they looked great Friday when Anita and I spent the weekend with them all getting caught up"

"Wait, you and who? Spent the weekend with whom? What's going on between you and Lanie?"

"What do you mean me and Lanie Kate, she's got her Doctor Boyfriend like you, why do you think I transferred over here, I don't have to see them all kissy huggee like you did to Rick with Deming."

"What the hell is with everyone, Deming was years ago, and you're the third person who has brought him up, what gives Javi?"

"Seriously Kate, you haven't figured it out yet, and you're the Captain. You tried your crap with Rick, it backfired, he came to the Hamptons, like I transferred to the 54th, to give you space to either make a go of it, or have it blow up in your face without any input from Rick or I. YOURS, definitely blew up in your face, Lannie wanted to be married, I think hey set a date already, but it's all good, Tina and I are cool."

"Lanie is engaged and she didn't even bother to tell me? What the hell Javi?"

"Kate, when was the last time you called her, not related to a case? Think about it, they have been engaged for over 4 months"

"Sorry Javi, I got to get back on course here, I'll keep you informed, or you can let me know since you seem to know more about Rick and Roy and the going on than I ever did."

"Kate, don't get your panties in a bunch, people call the people who call them, think about that, and if I hear something new, I'll let you know. I got to run, "

Kate hung up the phone almost in tears, Rick and Linda had been with Roy and Evelyn for almost a month, Lanie was engaged, Javi had a steady girlfriend and seemed genuinely happy for Lannie, and he had just spent the weekend at the Hamptons with them all, including Tina.

Her hand was shaking as she dialed Kevin's number,

The phone rang for perhaps a half a ring before she heard the chipper voice of the young Irishman,

"Hey Kate, what's up?"

"Hi Kev, you may already know this but Captain Montgomery had a heart attack this morning, and passed away before they could get him to the hospital. I'm not sure if you spoke to Javi, or anyone but wanted you to hear from one of us, rather than on the news."

"Thanks, Kate, Rick called me this morning, when the EMT's were still working on him at the Beach House, and he told me it didn't look good. He called back when they got to the hospital and the doctors made it official. He's been in for about a month, Linda just flew in this past Friday, so it was a shock to us all."

"Did he say how Evelyn was doing or if she planned on returning to Roy and her home, or stay at the Beach House? Commissioner Boyle made me Evelyn's liaison, now it's more uncomfortable than ever knowing he's been in town for a month and didn't call"

"Kate, listen to yourself, you're the one with three unanswered letters, he's not your fetch dog anymore, and don't him expect to roll out the Red Carpet for you either. You have to stop blaming Rick for your Fuck-ups. Call Evelyn and do your job as Captain used to say, just do your damn job, and don't worry about all the what if's Kate. Let me know if we can help, look forward to hearing about the arrangements that will be made. Thanks for calling, I got two more on hold, so talk soon" and the line went dead.

Kate had made it back to the 12th by this time and had a lot to think about as well as notifying her reports of Roy's passing. She decided to call an All Employees' meeting MANDATORY ATTENDANCE for 11:30 AM where she would try to notify her force before some paparazzi broke it to mainstream journalists and they saw it on network news. Once she sent the email out, read receipt required on the mail, she turned her focus to Evelyn and the girls what would they need, how could she help.

She called her HR Rep and asked for suggestions, which proved to be her saving act for the day. Alice from HR hand walked the packet to her, and it described everything to do, in all sorts of scenarios, killed in the line of duty, natural deaths, death after retirement and on and on.

By the time she had skimmed the materials, getting a feel for how and what Evelyn would need in assistance it was time to address the force gathered in the bullpen. All but three people had shown up, she would have her Admin Assistant Lyndsey track down them for their excuses after she delivered the news.

Just like any sudden meeting, the rumors flew wild and rapid, including the 12th was being consolidated with the 17th and layoffs were coming. Kate usually didn't need a microphone, but with this many people, she chose to use one on this occasion.

"May I have your attention please" Someone shouted, Atten Hut, and the silence was deafening.

"First and foremost, let me say thanks for making time for this meeting, I assure you what is being discussed is very relevant to you and to this precinct. No, we are not merging with the 15th, 17th or any other precinct, kill that rumor immediately.

Kate took on a sadness that she could not hide, "It is my sad duty to inform you that our Captain, Roy Montgomery died this morning after suffering a massive heart attack in the Hamptons, and being worked on by his friends there, EMT staff, and the Doctors of Presbyterian Hospital to no avail, Roy was pronounced DOA at 7:47 AM this morning". A gasp was heard, then complete silence, as silent tears fell from both male and female officers, Roy truly was a cop's cop.

"The newscast has been held back until after each precinct has had time to notify the staff, and I thought it most imperative, that you heard it here, in the very place where Roy served so many years and shaped so many of our careers, as well as personal lives. I'm sure he is proud of his accomplishments; you each make me proud and I am the benefactor of his great mentorship.

The solace we can take from Roy's passing is that he went out the way he wanted to, on a beach getting ready to go fishing, not shot by some drug-crazed criminal. We are thankful for that, and for the time he did get to enjoy in retirement with his lovely family. We ask now that you remain patient, as I work with Mrs. Evelyn Montgomery to plan out his final arrangements, in a way to honor both the man and the cop,

Thank You. You are Dismissed"

She turned and headed to her office, but something was off, the chair, no one was supposed to touch his chair and there was someone sitting in it, she flew into a rage, and marched into her office, but before she could say a word, the man turned, and in a quiet sad voice, said,

"Hello Kate, sorry we have to keep meeting like this"

"Hello Rick, I'm sorry too, it's good to see you, but I know that's not what you're here for"

"Sadly, it's not, you wouldn't know what happened to Roy's old flask would you, it seemed to disappear in his move out of his office to the storage closet to keep his mementos".

Kate thought for a long second, first deciding to hang on to her remembrance of her Captain, but now that Rick was asking for it, she was sure that Evelyn wanted it included somehow in his service.

She smiled sadly, opened her middle drawer on the left side, removed a box, and carefully leafed through it till she found the flask.

"Here it is, tell Evelyn I'll call her as soon as I can get these things squared away here to help her plan the services, and to see what and how much she will allow NYPD to intrude in her most personal time"

She's expecting it, Commissioner Boyle called her and she requested you for the liaison officer. She's with us in the Hamptons, Linda and she are at her place picking up some additional clothes for her and the girls, so please call her cell phone, Thanks for this, I guess we'll see you soon Kate, Goodbye"

He turned and walked away, once again using the words he never had said before, Goodbye, this time it felt more final than the last.

Kate watched him step on the elevator, not once looking in her direction, then she looked at the chair, that really was all she had left now, what a mess she had made.


	17. Chapter 17

**Belated Memories** **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts with Canon dialog quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously **

"_**Hello Kate, sorry we have to keep meeting like this"**_

"_**Hello Rick, I'm sorry too, it's good to see you, but I know that's not what you're here for"**_

"_**Sadly, it's not, you wouldn't know what happened to Roy's old flask would you, it seemed to disappear in his move out of his office to the storage closet to keep his mementos".**_

_**Kate thought for a long second, first deciding to hang on to her remembrance of her Captain, but now that Rick was asking for it, she was sure that Evelyn wanted it included somehow in his service.**_

_**She smiled sadly, opened her middle drawer on the left side, removed a box, and carefully leafed through it till she found the flask.**_

"_**Here it is, tell Evelyn I'll call her as soon as I can get these things squared away here to help her plan the services, and to see what and how much she will allow NYPD to intrude in her most personal time"**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**A/N From Chp 16 Corrected Verbiage, ROY dies, not his wife**

**"I apologize up front in case I lose my composure, but I was called out to take a call with terrible news. I just spoke to Evelyn Montgomery, wife of Roy, Captain of the 12th for over 20 years who retired just shy of 2 years ago, Roy has passed away suddenly from what appears to have been a heart attack. **

**Chapter 17**

**FLASHBACK (Three years 1 month since Rick's Departure, 31 months since she last saw him)**

**Kate's POV**

**Captain Beckett's Office**

**NYPD, 12****th**** Precinct**

**3:15 PM Monday (Same Day)**

Kate had reviewed the materials HR had provided, she even downloaded and printed out some forms Evelyn would need to complete to transfer all of Roy's pension from his name to hers, as well as the Life Insurance Policy claim forms, release forms for personal property, and change of beneficiary on her life insurance policy now that Roy was deceased. She had called but received her voice mail, not surprising since Rick had mentioned that she was in town, with Linda, of course with Linda, she was just a memory she thought for a moment, then realized she was placing blame on others when she deserved it.

She had kept a few of Roy's items, with his blessing, when he left. One was a trophy he had won for Police Officer of the Year, New York City, 12th Precinct. He was just a Lieutenant then, but he had risked his life to save a family from a drug addict, strung out so high, it was two days before he actually realized he had killed 7 people, and would have been more had it not been for Roy.

She let her mind drift back to the day she was just a Rookie and was caught after hours in the record room reviewing her Mom's case, she could have been fired. Captain Montgomery told her in a kind way that she was looking in the wrong spot, by the time cases got cold, something new was usually needed to break it open again. She had never forgotten his kindness, or his faith in her when he promoted her to Lead Detective, over 5 male candidates.

Her cellphone ringing brought her out of her visit to memory lane, answering it without checking the caller ID,

"Captain Beckett, Homicide"

"Hi Kate, its Evelyn Montgomery, I'm sorry to bother you but you left a voice mail, and I'm returning your call."

"Oh Evelyn, I'm so very sorry, I wish I could have spent more time with you both, Roy told me not to let the job define me, but I guess I didn't learn. I know you asked for me as your liaison officer, and I need to meet with you to go over not only paperwork but walk through the options of a full honors police ceremony. None of this will be done unless you approve, so it's important we sit down face to face and I can explain the options."

"Kate, you know Roy and I spent the summers at Rick's beach house here in the Hamptons, in fact, we just returned from picking up more clothes for myself and the girls. Knowing what I know would that be a problem? I don't want to put any of you in an awkward situation, so if meeting here would create a problem, we can choose alternate sites."

"Evelyn, I have no problem with it, if Rick and Linda are OK, then I can drive up later and meet with you this evening, and tomorrow to ensure the entire ceremony is synched to police procedures and your wishes."

"Rick already said that you were welcome, so I know there is no problem with them, so what time should I expect you, Kate?"

"I should be up there by 8:00 PM, I just have one more thing to sign and I am leaving now."

"Great, Thanks Kate, see you soon, it was good to speak to you again, just sorry it had to be on an occasion like this" as the sadness filled Evelyn's voice.

"Me too, Evelyn, Me too." Then the line went dead and Kate was faced with doing her job, sad enough when you didn't know the deceased, even worse when you had a relationship with the family."

Xx

Kate called the Hyatt, made reservations for one night and stopped at her place to throw in some changes of clothes, even with that she still arrived at the hotel at 7:24 PM, Rick's house was only a few minutes away. Once she checked in, she freshened herself took out the portfolio containing all the forms highlighted in yellow courtesy of Alice in HR. She had sticky notes with little helpful tips on every form Kate would need to explain. She then prepared herself for not one, but two challenging tasks. First to see Evelyn, and do her job for Roy, second, to see Rick again, with another woman when she knew in her heart it could have been her.

She arrived at the gate of Rick's Beach House at 7:49 PM and pressed the call button, she was startled when the gate began to open without a word. She parked her police vehicle in one of the parking spots across from the garage, she didn't want to block anyone in and have to move her car. The front door swung open when she reached the first step, it was Evelyn who embraced her in a hug.

"Kate, it's so good to finally see you again, Roy threatened when we got back to the city, he was going to surprise you at the precinct, but well that won't happen now," she said sadly.

"It's good to see you again as well Evelyn, I just wish it were under different circumstance, and I truly am sorry, I can't believe it's been almost two years since we even spoke. I am so sorry, I get tangled with work and it seems like years go by before I wake from the trance, I should have made time to visit you and Roy."

Kate noticed out of the corner of her eye, Linda then Rick come into view, so when she stepped back from Evelyn's hug, Linda promptly greeter her,

"Welcome Kate, please let us know if you need anything, we prepared the guest room for you since Evelyn said you would be staying overnight to complete the details." She hugged her briefly then stepped back, Kate softly said a polite, "thank you and thanks for your hospitality."

"Hi Kate, where's your bag, I'll take it to your room while you and Evelyn use the guest office to complete whatever is needed." He reached out and shook her hand, much like he had after their first case, except this time there was no flirty banter and no reason for her to reply with her comment, he had no idea, and neither did she now.

"No bag Rick, I didn't want to impose so I booked a room at the Hyatt, I don't know how long this will take, or whatever Evelyn needs so it was easier for me to stay off-site."

"Sure, I understand," he said with his publisher smile, what was his expression, relief? Was he relieved that she wouldn't be in the same house as he and Linda, at night? God, he had truly moved on.

Well, we'll let you get busy, Evelyn, the refreshments are all set up on the serving tray and you know where Rick's fridge is, it's also stocked." Linda smiled and took Rick's hand as they walked to the other end of the house.

Evelyn led Kate into the office where they worked for hours, Kate explaining the protocol of a full honors ceremony, and Evelyn approving most, the biggest thing she balked at was the viewing. The protocol called for two days visitation, Evelyn agreed to one day public, one day private then ceremony to be held at St. Michaels, the same church where Martha Rogers had been buried from.

The protocol also called for either the Police Chief or Police Commissioner to deliver the eulogy, once again Evelyn insisted that Roy wanted Rick and any member of the 12th to say a few words if they wished. Rick would deliver the formal presentation but she would check with her precinct to see if any wanted to say anything. She insisted on a five-minute time limit to all but Rick, who was allotted 12 minutes. She knew the hymns, the moment of silence rather than the prayer, and most of the other details. Roy was to be buried in dress blues, Evelyn reluctantly accepted that, knowing how much her husband hated to wear them.

They still had to go over the insurance and other pension matters, but Kate noticed Evelyn yawning. She glanced at her phone and was surprised to see it was after midnight.

"Evelyn, I can see you are exhausted, why don't I excuse myself and we can pick this up tomorrow, what time is good for you?"

"Can we start around 10:00 AM Kate? Our son Ron is flying in from San Diego and Rick is going to pick him up at 8:00 AM then go to breakfast."

"Sure Evelyn, tell you what, why don't you text me when you're back and ready to complete this, and then I'll get out of your hair."

"Thanks, Kate, and for the record, you were never in our hair, well Roy didn't have any but you know what I mean" as she laughed for the first time. "It was really good to see you, Kate, I know Roy would have loved it as well, but he knew you, better than most, so he knew when he left the Retirement Party it would be the last time, he saw you."

Late looked to the floor, as Evelyn pulled her into a hug,

"Kate you are who you are, just like Roy would tell you, when you're good you are unstoppable, so concentrate on making each day you have left good, it would be a great way to remember him" tears were in her eyes as she walked Kate to the door,

Rick and Linda appeared, and surprisingly it was Linda who spoke,

"Kate, are you sure you won't spend the night, the room is ready and it's late. Driving at night can be tricky out here"

"Thanks, Linda, that's very kind of you, but I still have a few hours of emails to answer, so it's best if I go to the hotel, I'll be back tomorrow to complete this with Evelyn. Thanks, and Goodnight,"

She heard Linda and thought Rick replied, but she couldn't swear to it,

"Good Night and drive safely"

She was able to hold her tears in till she had started to pull out of the gate, then they began to fall, another broken promise, to Roy, her mentor, and friend. She recalled the conversation almost like it just happened.

**Slight Flashback to Roy's Party**

"Well I better get going Roy, Congratulations, and Thank You, you set the bar very high for me to try to fill that office."

"You'll be great Kate, just be yourself, and stay true to your values" Roy smiled,

She hugged him, and whispered, "I'll call you soon,"

He patted her on the back, "Kate we both know you won't so if I don't see you again, you were an honor to work with and count as my friend"

"I'll call Roy, I promise" As Roy just smiled and waved goodbye,

She never called, no matter how many times she tried she never called. Roy did know her better than she knew herself. Well, she had lied again, disappointed a friend, but they had come to know, it seemed that's what she did best.

TBC


	18. Chapter 18

**Belated Memories** **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

**Previously **

_**Slight Flashback to Roy's Party**_

"_**Well I better get going Roy, Congratulations, and Thank You, you set the bar very high for me to try to fill that office."**_

"_**You'll be great Kate, just be yourself, and stay true to your values" Roy smiled,**_

_**She hugged him, and whispered, "I'll call you soon,"**_

_**He patted her on the back, "Kate we both know you won't so if I don't see you again, you were an honor to work with and count as my friend"**_

"_**I'll call Roy, I promise" As Roy just smiled and waved goodbye,**_

_**She never called, no matter how many times she tried she never called. Roy did know her better than she knew herself. Well, she had lied again, disappointed a friend, but they had come to know, it seemed that's what she did best.**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 18**

**FLASHBACK (Three years 1 month since Rick's Departure, 31 months since she last saw him)**

**Kate's POV**

Kate's drive to the Hyatt was almost as if a robot was driving, she had managed to stop the tears, but she felt empty, hollow, that feeling of content she used to have, well it was gone, and so was her friend and Mentor who went to his grave never hearing from her. It was a combination of guilt, shame, and anger that filled her, why did she have to be this way? She went to therapy, it helped, some, but in personal relationships, well she didn't have any.

She opened her phone, it was much too late to call, so she sent Lanie a text, just to be sure she had been informed as well as her way of letting her hear from her after all this time.

"_Lanie,_

_Sorry to text so late, I'm in the Hamptons and just left Evelyn Montgomery at Castle's Beach House. You probably know by now, but Roy suffered a fatal heart attack earlier this morning. I am here as the liaison officer by Evelyn's request. I just wanted you to know, and also say Congrats on the engagement, we need to talk soon,_

_Kate,_

She turned and opened her laptop and tried to busy herself with matters from work, apparently, Roy's death had impacted everyone. The usual stream of emails from other precincts and departments were at a minimum, and she breezed through them in less than 15 minutes,

She had just turned the laptop off when she heard her phone ping with a text, grabbing it from the charging stand she saw it was from Lanie.

"_Hi, Kate,_

_Thanks for letting me know, Rick, Kevin and Javi all called me, they weren't sure when the official word was going out and didn't want me to see it on the news, so I appreciate everyone thinking of me. Thanks also for the congratulations, but I tried to call you the night it happened, and for the next week, always getting your voice mail, so I thought you would call when you were ready. _

_Call Me, I never went away, I just got tired of the no responses, _

_LP"_

Kate sat stunned for a moment, Lanie had called her on her lack of regard, for that matter it was just polite to return calls, especially to someone you considered your best friend. She never had many friends, but those that she considered as such demonstrated in different ways, that they would not tolerate her old ways. Who could blame them?

She didn't as she headed into the shower to let the hot water muffle her sobs, and wash away tears she cried. She wasn't even sure who she was crying for, herself, Rick, Roy, Evelyn, the boys or her friend who just let her know politely that they all had set new boundaries.

Xx

The next morning Evelyn sent a text at 10:09 AM,

"_We're back from breakfast, so if you would like to finish the arrangements, I am ready,_

_EM_

She replied in less than a minute,

"_On my way, KB"_

Xx

Kate had composed herself on the way over to the Beach House, after all, they all had been friendly, so there was nothing to worry about. She pulled into the long drive and just as she approached the gate, she saw another car, a silver BMW leaving. Once again, the gate opened, before she could say a word, and Evelyn greeted her in the same fashion as the evening before.

"Good Morning Kate, I hope you were able to get some rest last evening. I didn't realize how tired I was until I laid down, and I must have been out in less than a minute." Evelyn said smiling,

"I rested well" Kate lied, she had been up and down all night, playing out what-if scenarios in her brain until she finally got to sleep around 5:00 AM.

"You just missed Rick and Linda, they just left to run some errands,"

"That must have been the silver BMW I passed toward the beginning of the drive, please tell them thanks for the hospitality, and I'm sorry I missed them. This shouldn't take much longer and I will let you get back to your day"

Evelyn led her into the same room that hey had used the previous evening, and then presented Kate with a stack of papers all completely filled out, and even notarized. It seemed the neighbor two doors down often notarized documents for Rick and came over earlier today.

"Wow Evelyn, you were busy, this completes all the paperwork needed for the insurance, financials, and retirement, as well as your life insurance. All we need to do now is outline the service, we know Rick will deliver the Eulogy, and we will offer anyone who wishes to speak 5 minutes at the public viewing. Any questions?"

"No Kate, you did a wonderful job, here is the program that will be issued to those attending the mass, so you can tie it all together.

Kate glanced down and recognized the handwriting, it was Rick's. Evelyn must have asked him to outline the service, she would know that handwriting anywhere.

"Thanks, Evelyn, so the viewing will be at Fortuna Funeral Home, next Tuesday for the public, Services at St. Michaels on Wednesday at 10:00 AM. Followed by the Police Honor guard escort to All Saints Cemetery, the riderless horse led to the grave, the presentation of the flag, 21-gun salute, the second eulogy and then the final prayer by Father Gene, then the dismissal and lunch at Q3 for those attending the services if they wish"

"I think that's it, Kate, so Thank you so very much for all of your help, I really didn't want to talk to a stranger about the final details for Roy, it just didn't seem right" as tears pool in her eyes,

Kate stepped forward and hugged her, I understand Evelyn, and thanks for asking for me, it brought me some closure as well, it helped me realize the regrets and understand they will continue unless I make time for those I care about." Tears were in both ladies' eyes as they said their goodbyes.

Xx

**St. Michaels**

**Wednesday at 10:00 AM**

Rick had been asked if he and Linda would join Evelyn in the family row at the church, signifying to all in attendance just how deep the friendship had been formed between the most unlikely pair in New York. As the priest went through the order of the mass, the singing of the hymns Roy had selected, one which brought tears to almost everyone's eyes, including the big, burly LT, was;

**Going Home**

Going home, going home,  
I'm just going home.  
Quiet-like, slip away-  
I'll be going home.  
It's not far, just close by;  
Jesus is the Door;  
Work all done, laid aside,  
Fear and grief no more.  
Friends are there, waiting now.  
He is waiting, too.  
See His smile! See His hand!  
He will lead me through.

Morning Star lights the way;  
Restless dream all done;  
Shadows gone, break of day,  
Life has just begun.  
Every tear wiped away,  
Pain and sickness went;  
Wide awake there with Him!  
Peace goes on and on!  
Going home, going home,  
I'll be going home.  
See the Light! See the Sun!  
I'm just going home.

When the vocalist had finished the priest paused for a moment, then announced that foregoing usual custom, the eulogy would be delivered by Richard Castle, rather than a senior Police official per Roy's request.

Kate looked over at the family row, she saw Linda whisper in Rick's ear, and pat his hand, he nodded and made his way to the pulpit.

"_**Good Morning,**_

_**I'm Richard Castle, I'm not a cop, but I was one of Roy Montgomery's friends, and he one of my closest and dearest. I have worked for the NYPD, 12**__**th**__** precinct, as a civilian consultant in the past, and I guess that's why Roy requested I deliver this talk today, he knew how much I hated paperwork, and if you could see my office that's all you would see as I struggled to find the words to say about my friend, paperwork. Roy, you finally got me to do it. (quiet laughter through the packed church)**_

_**Today, as we honor the memory of Roy R Montgomery, I direct our thoughts to the words engraved on the national law enforcement memorial in Washington D.C.: "it was not how these officers died that made them heroes; it is how they lived."**_

_**Roy lived his life full of energy, and passion. If you doubt that, you never played poker, or went fishing with him. (again, polite laughter). Roy displayed passion in his job, not just some days, but every day he wore the badge. He taught the next generation what it was like to be a cop, and he was proud to be considered one of the "group", even as he progressed through the ranks till reaching Captain, where he directed the 12**__**th**__** precinct for over 19 years.**_

_**One of Roy's traits often imitated, but never matched was his devotion to his family, and his wife of 45 plus years, Evelyn. You didn't have to be around him long before the pictures and stories would come about his daughters, and how beautiful and understanding Evelyn was. Once when asked by a younger officer, what the secret to a long marriage was, he replied simply, "Keep showing up, don't just pretend but actually be there as she is for you" and I know that he was.**_

_**Roy was a meek man in life, so I won't embarrass him by listing his many awards received from the Governor's office down, as we honor his life, I would say to you if you want a definition for a hero, look him up on a search engine. It won't take you long to have a picture of what a hero this man truly was.**_

_**It wasn't his heroic deeds that made him special to those of us lucky enough to get to know him, it was his concern, especially but not only for his fellow officers, but his fellow mankind. Roy's simple command to his reports was "Do your job, don't worry about the what-ifs, just do your damn job" and that was about as vocal as he ever got. **_

_**He loved his country, having served in the Air Force, he loved his city, devoting over 40 years of his life to police work, but more than anything he loved his family, his friends, his co-workers, and mankind. I count myself lucky to be included as one of Roy's friends and will miss him every day.**_

_**I will deliver the second part of this eulogy at the gravesite ceremony, and if he were here would be moaning, "Castle, don't you ever shut up?" I say to you, and to him, since I know he's looking down on us all now, when it comes to honoring a great man, the answer is simply "No Sir, I don't. If I am lucky, I'll see you on the other side, till then, RIP Roy, we got it down here."**_

Silence, except for sniffles from men and women who truly loved their leader was all that was heard. Rick took a deep breath and walked from the pulpit to the family pew, where a tearful Evelyn hugged him and held on for a few moments. Once she had composed herself, he was hugged by Linda, and as he sat Kate noticed, he wiped his eye with a handkerchief, how he had gotten through that was beyond her, as she dabbed her own tearful eyes.

The priest returned to the pulpit to lead the congregation in a prayer for Roy, his family, and friends, and issued the challenge that Rick had mentioned, if you want to honor Roy, then do as he did, not just one day but every day. One last song was sung by Roy's niece, Amazing Grace, and then the service was concluded by the priest, who bade all to go in peace.

Xx

The ride to the cemetery wasn't long, but it seemed like forever, for all riding in the family limousine. Linda quietly held Rick's hand, as he glanced out the window, eyes full, and him fighting not to allow them to spill out. They finally arrived at All Saints, the horse with no rider, followed by the casket of Roy, on a Caisson, the honor guard procession, and finally, the family, including Rick and Linda arrived at the final resting place.

The priest allowed a few moments for all to gather, then began,

"Thank you on behalf of the family, we are here today to say our final farewell to one of New York's finest, a great husband, father, and friend. May we have a moment of silence please."

After a long silent pause, the priest then returned,

"Thank You, now we will hear the final words of the eulogy, followed by the presentation of the flag to Mrs. Montgomery, the 21-gun salute, and will conclude with the playing of TAPS. May God have mercy on each of us and grant Roy eternal peace, and now, the eulogy."

Rick strode the few yards to the portable pulpit and removed his sunglasses. It was apparent to Kate, he had been crying, his eyes were red and swollen. As he began, he took a deep breath, looked at Linda, and began,

"_**Once again, for those of you who don't know me, I am Richard Castle, a friend of Roy Montgomery who left instructions for me to deliver this eulogy. He proved he knew each of his reports and friends by instilling a time limit on how long I could talk. (quiet laughter)**_

_**Roy and I often discussed law enforcement, a job he described as not a profession but a calling. He was attracted to the occupation because as he said what job is better, I get paid to protect and serve my community, I would do it for free if I were rich like you. He respected my desire to do more than sit and read reports, but to work with an elite crew who truly believe they can make a difference, and have for a number of years.**_

_**I was blessed to have this man take an interest in me, there are many who enter into this profession and serve with distinction, there are a select few who soar above the rest. Roy is one of those who soared every day. He faced danger each day, never flinching, and never settling for anything less than a 100% effort from those who worked for him. He was more interested in the truth than he was with conviction rates. **_

_**He drove this point home to me on more than one occasion, and once asked me what I did when I really messed up a chapter in a book. My answer was the obvious one, I simply started over, to which he looked me in the eyes and replied, **__**"In this job you don't get do-overs, Rick, we have to be sure all of the time or someone is either punished when they are innocent, or we leave a guilty party on the streets to act again"**__**.**_

_**As I look out over the audience today, the turnout is not only a tribute to his service in our community but an acknowledgment of the amazing individual that he was. It is a testament to the impact that he had on families, friends and the community. I see that I am approaching the time limit Captain set, once again he knew things before, we did, so I will conclude by saying.**_

_**To his family, there are no words capable of providing sufficient comfort, your memories will do that in the days to come. I will pledge my family's and my undying support and promise to be by your side from this moment forward. **_

_**To all of those who knew Roy Montgomery, our pain is still raw and at times seemingly unbearable. I know I do, and perhaps you do as well, ask myself what would I do, if we could just have one more minute to say goodbye, to let him know how much he has impacted our lives. But Roy knew us all, better than we will ever know ourselves and to him, he was at peace with his God, his family, and friends, and would say, let go of any doubts or regrets. If we truly want to honor a great man's legacy all we can do now is lead our lives as an example for others to follow. **_

_**Today we say goodbye to Captain Roy Montgomery, Husband, Father, Friend, and Policeman extraordinaire, but it is not the last day we will remember his service and sacrifice. Roy's name will be etched upon the police memorial along with the other NYPD Officers who have sacrificed so much to our city, and to us. He may be gone from us in this world, but his life and service will never be forgotten. God bless you Roy, Good Friend, may you rest in peace.**_

_**Thank You"**_

The Police Honor Guard, began the ritual of flag folding, as the 21-gun salute broke the silence, then the lonely sound of a lone bugler, and that haunting simple tune, Taps, played quieting all.

The priest stepped forward and said, "This completes our service and tribute to Captain Roy Montgomery, the family invites you to Q3 restaurant where a luncheon will be served. Thank You, and God Bless.

The priest turned and walked away, as Kate thought Q3, why did it have to be there, but she wasn't going to see or confront Maddie, she was going to honor Roy, it was the least she could do now.


	19. Chapter 19

**Belated Memories** **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously **_

_**Today we say goodbye to Captain Roy Montgomery, Husband, Father, Friend, and Policeman extraordinaire, but it is not the last day we will remember his service and sacrifice. Roy's name will be etched upon the police memorial along with the other NYPD Officers who have sacrificed so much to our city, and to us. He may be gone from us in this world, but his life and service will never be forgotten. God bless you Roy, Good Friend, may you rest in peace.**_

_**Thank You"**_

_**The Police Honor Guard, began the ritual of flag folding, as the 21-gun salute broke the silence, then the lonely sound of a lone bugler, and that haunting simple tune, Taps, played quieting all.**_

_**The priest stepped forward and said, "This completes our service and tribute to Captain Roy Montgomery, the family invites you to Q3 restaurant where a luncheon will be served. Thank You, and God Bless.**_

_**The priest turned and walked away, as Kate thought Q3, why did it have to be there, but she wasn't going to see or confront Maddie, she was going to honor Roy, it was the least she could do now.**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 19**

**FLASHBACK (Four years 1 month since Rick's Departure, 43 months since she last saw him)**

**Same Time Frame as we left Meredith coming home to New York See Chp 6**

**NYPD 12****th**** Precinct**

**One Year Later**

**Captain Beckett's Office**

Kate Beckett sat in her chair, lost in thought remembering just one year prior to Roy's funeral and the luncheon afterward. Everyone had attended, Kevin, Javi, Lanie, it had almost seemed like old times for the briefest of moments. She realized that the group that had been her boys would never be again, Javi was now a Lieutenant and engaged to Anita, and Lanie was 3 months pregnant after celebrating their one-year anniversary just a few weeks ago. Kevin for all purposes ran RCI Investigations and had proved to be a great detective and manager. She drifted back to the funeral and a few hours afterward.

**Flashback to Q3 after Roy's Funeral **

Apparently, Maddie had known she would be coming so she took the day off but left Kate a note. It was a relief in one sense, but Kate knew that she couldn't avoid her forever, sooner or later they would need to make peace. Perhaps it was Rick's eulogy that had put her in that frame of mind or the fact that another friend had passed without her saying what she had wanted to say. She never got to thank Roy, but as Evelyn said, he knew her.

She was thinking about Maddie when she almost ran into Linda,

"I'm sorry Linda, my fault, I was lost in thoughts. You didn't spill anything on your dress, did you?"

"No Kate, it's fine, a lot of you are going through a tough time now, so it's OK. Look I have to step out to answer an urgent call from work, so Rick will be alone for about 10 minutes if you want to talk to him"

"Thanks, Linda, I mean, eh,"

"Kate, it's talking go take the first step. I think you'll be glad you did."

Xx

"Hi Rick, Linda said you would have a few minutes while she's on her call, I was wondering if we could talk."

"Sure, what about Captain?"

"Rick, please call me by my name, it's bad enough I know how much I screwed up by not writing back, but really, do you need to punish me like that?"

"Kate it's not punishment, you said it, you dropped the ball, all you needed to do was make a call, write a letter, to keep the preverbal ball going back and forth, yet how long has it been since I heard from you, oh yes it's been two years 8 months since your last letter, so I guess I was right when I warned you what would happen."

"Rick about that, there's no excuse for that and I'm sor*"

"Kate, nothing to be sorry about, you're forgiven, I even told you what would happen and it did. If you're angry about Roy and our friendship, I'm sorry but I won't apologize for being there when he needed to reach out. He saw the precinct headed in a direction he didn't want to be part of, that's why he retired."

"I broke a promise to him, I told him I would call when I last saw him at his retirement party, and I never did, I guess I never thought this day would ever come." Kate almost cried

"I know, he and I talked about it, and I asked him if he were angry with you. Roy smiled and said, No, it's just Beckett, that's how she deals with things so I knew she wouldn't call. It would make her face the past, something she's more afraid of than any killer with a gun. Don't hate her Rick, just forgive her and wish her well, maybe she'll wake up one day"

"Rick I would like to talk to you about things, when do you leave?"

"Tonight at 11:00 PM EST, sorry Kate, maybe next time," he stood and walked towards Linda leaving Kate sitting almost ready to cry. He had been polite, but firm, he wasn't falling for any of her old lines.

**Present Time**

Detective Ann Hastings and Detective Lawrence Tolliver, don't call him that unless you wanted a fight, he had been and always would be LT to the folks at the 12th had joined Roz Karpowski to form Kate's go-to team. They worked well together with LT very protective of both of the ladies.

"Captain, I'm not sure if you saw this or not, but it's about Rick, sort of, so I thought you needed to see it" as she handed her a copy of the times with a picture of Rick, Linda and Meredith at LAX getting ready to board a flight to New York.

"Thanks, Ann, I'll read it in a few minutes", as soon as she was out of sight, Kate opened the paper to read the account under the picture. It was a well-written piece with humility and dignity, as the reporter pointed out that several sources sighted Meredith with a serious disease, and now the presence of her ex-husband and a nurse pointed to signs that perhaps she was coming home to New York to live her final days out.

Kate had heard on one of the evening shows, TMZ or something similar pointing out that Meredith had been seen coming out of a Cancer Treatment facility. She had discarded it at the time thinking she could be visiting someone, but if that report were true, then she really was ill. No matter what she had done, she once was Rick's wife, and would always be the mother of his child, Oh God, she thought, poor Alexis. No matter how old you are, it devastates a girl to lose their mother, just something about nature.

Xx

Meredith, Linda, and Rick had just arrived at the Loft, by the time the story was breaking. Rick called Paula, to get ahead of it, the family didn't need to live the final days of a loved one on the TV screen.

"Paula, you saw the story, yeah, get the bastards off her tail, I don't care how, but I don't want to see another piece about her illness or speculation. I've called Henry, he will proceed with restraining orders for the big ones, work with him and keep this out of the news, thanks"

"I got it, Rick, I already spoke to Henry, and the source of the pictures, seems he will issue a retraction once Henry advised him of what powerful people could do to his boyfriend at Rikers, he's pulling all the originals, and TMZ is issuing an apology, without mentioning anything about sickness."

When he returned to the living room, he could see that Alexis had not held anything against her Mother and that the three ladies were getting along great. Ron walked up and asked,

"Care for a Beer, or is it late enough for your three fingers yet?"

Rick turned and greeted his son-in-law with a hug, "Hi Ron, good to see you, just wish it wouldn't be like this. How is Alexis taking it really? Three fingers sound great now, in fact, make it a double"

"Well the initial news really shocked her, but once she got over that and knew that you and Linda were on good terms with her, she finally accepted that this is the place she should be until perhaps the end stages, if Hospice recommends, we can move her then, but Alexis prefers her to be here with her."

"I'm glad, although she didn't act like the mother type, it just wasn't in her, but in her own way did love Alexis, even enough to give up custody to me. She told me later that her lawyer wanted to fight that and she refused, knowing Alexis would have a more stable home with me. Like I said, not conventional but she did care."

"Alexis knew Dad, she found a copy of the divorce papers you had left in one of the drawers when you moved out, she read the entire story, and I reminded her, if you could forgive her, she should as well."

"God, I never gave that a thought, thanks for the heads up Ron, knowing our girl she will want to talk about it, but for now, Linda and I are going to the suite below, I had the building staff prep it for us, and a medical supply representative will be out to discuss what bed Meredith, needs, along with anything else tomorrow. Just be sure she's taken care of. I don't want to intrude on her time with Alexis, nor pretend that we were the happy couple that kissed and made up, I appreciate you taking care of that for me."

"Sure, thing Rick, but may I ask you something? I mean it's none of my or our business, but how is Linda handling all this, not the death part, she's a nurse, but something or someone else coming into your life when it should be about just the two of you now."

"She's doing fine Ron, thanks for asking. Just be sure Meredith and Alexis have what they need and want, please" as he headed to the room to escort Linda to the suite one floor below.

True to her word, the articles about Meredith, her health, and where she was living all disappeared suddenly. The next 8 weeks were spent with Alexis and Ron, with visits from Rick and Linda every day until it was clear the end was near. Hospice was called in, and ten days later, Meredith Castle answered her last audition.

Alexis and she had talked at length about the arrangements, she wanted it to be private, and just a memorial service after she had been cremated. She told Alexis; she didn't want to be found floating on a flooded cemetery someday in the future. Alexis handled all of the arrangements, and a small quiet ceremony of her life was held, with only Linda, Rick, Alexis, Ron, and 7 of her most trusted actor friends in attendance. She also wrote the notification for the press, which she had approved by Meredith before she slipped into her final days. It was sad, but also a relief to know she was no longer in pain and had died as she had lived, her way.

Rick offered to take the notification and have Paula issue both a statement, as well as publishing the notice in the paper. The next day many readers, including members of the 12th Precinct were surprised at the lead article in the entertainment section of the paper. It paid homage to Meredith and listed her acting credentials. The article only said she died peacefully at the home of her only daughter, Alexis Harper, with loved ones in attendance. A simple but eloquent goodbye as pictures of a healthy younger Meredith was used, it was exactly as she wished.

Xx

**12****th**** Precinct NYPD**

**Same Day**

Kate had only glanced at the paper on her way out the door this morning, and as usual, the TV was playing in the bullpen, with the volume muted, she caught sight of a picture of Rick, and turned the volume up.

_"Once again, sad news from the family of Richard Castle. Meredith Castle, former wife of Mr. Castle and Hollywood actress died earlier this week at the home of their only daughter, Alexis Harper, after a brief illness. Mrs. Castle and New York's best-selling author were divorced many years ago but remained close as they raised their only child. The family suggests donations in Mrs. Castle's name to The American Cancer Society or your local chapter of ASPC. Once again, Meredith Castle, former wife of best-selling author Richard Castle is dead at the age of 44. Our deepest condolences to the family, friends, and fans of Mrs. Castle, it's been a tough year for Mr. Castle who lost his Mother, Martha Rogers, within the last year or so. This could account for the lack of work coming from him on the publishing front, although his last book** Mothers Love, As Close to God as I've Ever Been**. remains on the bestselling list over a year after publication. The family has requested privacy at this time of grief, and we hope all in our viewing area will honor that request."_

Kate turned the volume down as the reporter moved on to the next story, so it had been true, Rick probably had Paula kill all the stories to allow Meredith some privacy. What surprised her, was the reporter only mentioned Alexis, but she knew Rick, he wouldn't have allowed his pumpkin to go through something like this alone. Linda was almost her step-mother and she too would be there for her, perhaps they were in New York but keeping things on the down-low.

She wanted to talk to Rick, make that she needed to talk to him, their last two meetings had really gotten off track quickly before she could say what she wanted to say. Perhaps this would give her another chance, if for no other reason to put closure to her life.

She couldn't ask for another chance, she wouldn't, but now that all she had was a memory, she knew what Roy had meant when he told her, "you think you have it all in control, then one day you wake up and everything, I mean everyone and everything has changed, and you wonder what happened, don't let that happen to you Kate, wake up while there's time." Another piece of advice she had ignored and now was paying the price of loneliness for it.

Xx

**Castle's Loft**

**Two Days Later**

Rick and Linda had been in New York for almost 11 weeks, in the early stages they enjoyed donning a disguise and accompanying Alexis and Meredith on a trip to the movies, or museum, or even once to Remy's where over 40 members of the 12th had lunch that day and not one recognized any of them.

As the disease progressed, Meredith was able to do less and less and the pain increased, till the point where they called Hospice who administered the pain killers and kept her comfortable. When she was gone, it seemed like it was unreal, but witnessing her pain, it was also a blessing. Alexis had come to Rick one night near the end, "Daddy can we talk?"

Rick knew that the word Daddy meant she was hurting badly, "Sure pumpkin"

She crawled up and sat in his lap, like so many times when she was his little girl, figuratively, threw her arms around his neck and just wept for over twenty minutes. Rick held her, just as he had years ago, and when she came out of it and composed herself, she asked.

"Daddy, if you love someone, and you never want them to leave you, is it wrong to pray that God takes them because they are hurting?"

"Sweetie, I know you love your Mother, I'm so very glad you do, and to answer your question, no honey, it's not wrong to ask for what will make the person you love to stop hurting, even if it means they have to leave you."

"Daddy, do you still love Meredith?"

"Baby, how could I not, at least in a very special way, she gave me the greatest gift anyone ever could, she gave me you. No matter what happened between us, she never stopped loving you, or me, and I guess you could say I loved her in a different way than when we were married, but yes I love her."

"I know Mom won't mind now, but she told me in secret the reason she never re-married was she never could get over you. I know the sex thing, she did for her roles, but to Mom, that truly was just part of her job, sad our society allows this crap, but it didn't change the fact she still loved you."

"I know Baby, she told Linda that as well, and to her credit, she never got jealous once of your mother. She really loves us all, even Meredith, who I know learned to love her as well. I don't know how she does it, but I'm thankful she does, I don't want to think what would have happened had she NOT come into our lives."

"Dad, I know it's not the time, but seriously, how much longer do you expect her to lay her heart out on the line, before she pulls back and you lose her, just think about the times Kate did that to you and how you felt. I guess I'm saying is don't be Linda's Kate to you, you know by now what you want, you just have to go for it."

"I guess your right pumpkin, I'll think more about it"

"Don't think too long Dad, please?"

"Goodnight Sweetheart, stop worrying about me, I'll be fine, now are you OK?"

"Thanks Daddy, guess I just needed to have you tell me things were OK, I love you and I'll never stop being your little girl, I promise"

"Thanks Pumpkin, I needed that now, Love you too."


	20. Chapter 20

**Belated Memories** **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously **_

"_**Well the initial news really shocked her, but once she got over that and knew that you and Linda were on good terms with her, she finally accepted that this is the place she should be until perhaps the end stages, if Hospice recommends, we can move her then, but Alexis prefers her to be here with her."**_

"_**I' glad, Mer didn't act like the mother type, it just wasn't in her, but in her own way did love Alexis, even enough to give up custody to me. She told me later that her lawyer wanted to fight that and she refused, knowing Alexis would have a more stable home with me. Like I said, not conventional but she did care."**_

"_**Alexis knew Dad, she found a copy of the divorce papers you had left in one of the drawers when you moved out, she read the entire story, and I reminded her, if you could forgive her, she should as well."**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 20**

**4 Years 1 Month since Rick Left for the Hamptons**

**NYPD 12****th**** Precinct**

**One Week Later**

**Captain Beckett's Office**

Kate sat at her desk, wondering had she done the right thing, she hadn't seen him since Roy's funeral, and she knew that he had been in New York for at least 3 months. She just happened to see him heading back in after his morning run, one day when she was on hers, prior to the death of Meredith. Yes, it was true, she had changed her route in hopes of a glimpse, or if she hit the lottery, perhaps a face to face encounter with him to allow her to at least explain her personal growth, and sorrow for her actions.

The precinct had sent sympathy cards and donations to each of the charities, to both Alexis and Rick, they considered him one of their own and probably always would, and she had also sent her personal notes of sympathy. She didn't know if Rick had tossed them once he recognized the handwriting, or if he or Alexis read the message she had written. She could only hope that the younger Castle would be as strict to manners as she always had been growing up and respond with a simple Thank You card.

As she was sorting her mail, she recognized the address, but not the handwriting, it was Rick's Loft. As she opened the small card, she recognized that this was a response from Alexis and read,

"_Captain Beckett, _

_Thank you for your note of support and your kind donation to Mom's favorite charities, they were greatly appreciated. I know Mom would have been proud to have been remembered by the Police Force and you personally, even though she only met you once. Once again, your support in our time of grief was and will be forever cherished,_

_Best,_

_Alexis Castle Harper"_

Kate thought back to the days when she lived with the Castle's, a time she cherished on the inside although made it appear to be such a burden to everyone on the outside. How she wished she could take those and several thousand days back, but it wasn't possible. Alexis had been raised with manners and culture, and for the young lady to write out thank you cards three days after her Mother's service was commendable.

She was just about to toss the remaining mail, all junk when she caught a glimpse of a card, stuck between two advertisements, and there it was, Rick's response. The handwriting didn't appear to be his normal broad, bold strokes, but daintier, and almost feminine. She opened it carefully and found a beautiful Thank You Card, printed from the funeral home, with beautiful script writing reading simply, 'Thank You, from the family of Meredith Castle" and a short note below,

"_Kate, _

_Thank you for remembering Rick and Alexis at this difficult time, your compassion and gift were greatly appreciated. Please be well, and Thank You once again,"_

_Sincerely,_

_Linda (For Rick and Alexis)_

If she ever needed a slap to remind her that he was gone, had been gone and was now in a relationship longer than any of his previous marriages, the simple card and message was enough to shake her to the core. She thought to herself, you wanted proof Kate, when has anyone other than Rick ever handled family matters, Linda was the next Mrs. Castle, perhaps without the formal title, but in all other aspects.

It's been four years plus, EVERYONE has moved on, Javi, Kev, Lanie, even Maddie had gotten married and sold Q3. She did meet with her once to clear the air, and it was a shock when she received the card that announced she was married and now living in Phoenix AZ. Like the old country song, "Time Marches On" certainly applied, well for everyone but her. Somehow part of her was still hanging to a shred of hope that she had a chance, a small one at best, to make things right with Rick.

Xx

**Castle's Loft**

**Rick and Linda's Suite**

**Same Day**

Linda knew things were bothering Rick, she always knew, but she discounted it as the grief of losing Meredith, she was the mother of his child and being back among old memories. He tried hard to put on his smile for her, but try as he might, it always came out as the one he used for the press. She knew by his nature, he wouldn't talk unless pressed, and it had been over a week now, it was time to open up to one another. They hadn't made love in over two weeks, something unheard of for them, so it was definitely time to get things out in the open.

"Rick, Sweetie, do you feel like talking a few minutes, something is wrong between us, and I want to know what I did. We haven't made love in over two weeks, and you barely know I'm here. It's always me that has to kiss you, and your mind is somewhere else. We need to talk."

Rick looked panicked, the old 4 words every man in a relationship hates to hear, 'We need to talk' as he tried to compose himself, he walked to Linda and sat beside her on the love seat.

"Rick, I know you've had a lot on your mind, and I know as much as you say it doesn't it hurt you when you lost Meredith, it does but Rick, don't shut me out, I'm here please talk to me."

"I'm sorry Linda, you're right there's a lot of things on my mind. I'm wondering how Alexis is really taking this, I mean it wasn't a traditional Mother-Daughter relationship, but she was her mother."

"And what about you Rick, how are you really taking it? Did you say everything you needed to say? Were you good when she passed?" Linda teared up

Rick hugged her gently, "Thanks to you, I did, we were good, all those years of sparring, didn't stand a chance, ten minutes together and we were right back to where we began. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't marry her again but she took a piece of my heart with her when she left this world."

Linda looked him in the eyes and said simply, "I understand, I truly do, but I know you well enough to know something else is really troubling you. Is it something I said, something I did, is it that hard for you to be back here, whatever it is Rick, we have to talk? Do you realize it's been more than two weeks since we made love, and I imitated the last three times, something is wrong?"

Rick looked sadly in her eyes, and asked, "When were you going to tell me about the offer to return to England? When you first got here, remember you had trouble connecting to the WIFI, you used my laptop? Well when the response came from your old company, I was copied on it. Why didn't you say something Linda, you want to go back to the UK, back to your job there, is that what would make you happy?"

Now it was Linda's turn to turn to hide her tears, she loved Rick, she loved Alexis and everything she had been part of, but still, something was missing. She remembered the feeling of satisfaction when she had turned around a struggling health clinic into a profitable 300-bed hospital in less than three years, it had been hard but nothing in her life could match the feeling of pride and satisfaction she had felt. Leaving it to come back to the states had been hard, but she hid it well from Rick and Alexis, hoping that Rick would see what everyone else did, she lived for him and his happiness.

She knew Rick loved her, but she also knew that he still had feelings for Kate, deep feelings, and no matter what she did, she would never own that part of his heart, he had given it away and it wasn't available to her and never would be.

"Rick, I wanted to tell you, but the timing was never right, I knew you and Alexis needed me, and I needed to be here, not only for you but for me as well. My life took on purpose at the health center, but I kept hanging on, holding on for us to make that final leap.

After seeing you back here, I've been waiting for something that will never come, no matter how hard you want to give it. Kate has the part of your heart that keeps you from making that final leap with us. I understand I do, and to tell you the truth, I expected it a lot sooner than now."

Ricks eyes mist and he fights but a tear trickles down his cheek,

"Oh Rick, it's not your fault, and don't be sad, hell I've had the best 4 years of my life, I mean that but it's time, time for you to admit that you will never be happy without her, and time for me to seek my own happiness. We started this as friends who could tell each other anything, I never want to lose that part of us, no matter what happens" as she pulled him into a hug, her tears falling on his shirt.

They held each other for what seemed hours, but in reality, it was just a few minutes. Rick pulled back, held her head up to look into her eyes,

"Linda, do you want to go back to England? If you do, all I ask is that you talk to Alexis, she loves you and thinks of you as another mother, and I really don't know if I could tell her as you can. I love you, I do, I'm sorry that I can't give you the final piece of my heart. I don't know what will lay in store for either of us, but I promise you this, you need me call and I will be there. I'll always love you, I'm just sorry it's not deep enough for you, but I understand, I really do."

"Alexis and I have talked, I think she knew where your heart was long before I was ready to admit it, she's a remarkable lady and I love her as my daughter as well. I know this won't be a shock to her when we went out to lunch yesterday, she made a comment that makes sense now.

She told me that even though sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants, it might not be possible to achieve it. She told me I looked sad and I should find something to relight the fire in me, life was too short. I thought it was a carryover from Meredith, but now I know she knows something is wrong and she was telling me to protect my heart, as I did her years ago. God, I'm going to miss you all, I don't know where I would be today had I not met you "her tears flow freely now as she hugged Rick and just sobbed.

Xx

Two days later, Linda was finalizing her plans to return to her Director position, in the UK. She had talked to Alexis, they cried together, laughed together, and finally came to what they both had known for years, no one could replace Kate Beckett, at least not yet. Rick and she were parting as best friends, and Ron and Alexis had a standing invitation to visit as well.

She had discreetly moved her clothes to the guest room, but still spent most of her time with Rick, trying to soak up his touch, his love for all the lonely days and nights she knew that were ahead. It was true, she did love her job, but all Rick had to say to keep her was, please stay, words she knew he couldn't say so she had to leave. She loved him, but after four years, if it wasn't enough by now, it never would be, so it was best if she set him free.

They had one last family dinner with Ron, Alexis, Linda and Rick all at the LeCerc Restaurant, the night before she was scheduled to fly out. It was a good dinner, well as good as it could be with the circumstances that were around them all. They all got a laugh at the paparazzi trying to get shots, and jokingly placed bets what the papers would say when they were printed. The laughter was good, and although it was sad, it was also a load off of both Rick's and Linda's mind. It was almost like they both were waiting for the other shoe to drop, and now that everything was in the open, they could finally relax.

Alexis and Ron brought breakfast the next morning to Rick's loft, one floor below the original one so they could say their goodbyes. Rick was driving Linda to the airport, and it would be hard enough to say goodbye to one of them, she knew she would never get through more than one of the Castles. She was happy but sad, she felt like she was leaving part of her behind.

"Linda, just remember, this will always be your home, no matter what. If you change your mind, today, tomorrow or a year from now, come home, we love you." As Alexis kissed her and turned to hide her tears,

Ron just hugged her, "you know your family Linda, take care of yourself and please keep in touch, this one will go crazy with worry if she doesn't hear from you."

Then she looked around and it was just her and Rick, two large suitcases, and the phone ringing to let them know the car service was there. The ride to the airport was quiet, until Rick opened a copy of the Times, and saw the headline on page six. There were pictures of them at the restaurant, with the caption, Mrs. Castle Number 3? The article went on to cite some rag publications reporting that Rick and Linda had been secretly married for months, something they could neither confirm or deny."

They both started laughing, then Rick said softly, "I can have Paula get them to print a retraction if you want"

"Why? I feel honored to be Mrs. Castle at least in the papers for one day. If things ever change, call me Rick. Again, these have been the best four years of my life, I wouldn't trade them for the world. Please keep in touch, even if through Alexis and take care of yourself, please, it's the last thing I ask of you."

"I will, I promise, and I will call you, I promise. IF you ever need me, remember, I'm one call, and flight from you and I'll be there"

"I know, same here, well here's the terminal. Rick, please I would rather say goodbye here, I don't know if I can take it walking away from you if I don't". She kissed him deep and sweetly. "I love you, always will, Goodbye Rick" as she turned to get out of the limo before she completely lost it.

Rick pulled her to him for one last kiss, long and deep, "Linda, I love you too, and I'm so sorry"

She put one finger on his lips to silence him, "No Regrets, OK?" she kissed him and then she turned and was gone. The porter had already loaded her luggage and Rick lost her in a sea of travelers all going either to or from those they loved, his tear fell, then he checked it, this was for the best, he hoped.


	21. Chapter 21

**Belated Memories** **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously **_

_**She was just about to toss the remaining mail, all junk when she caught a glimpse of a card, stuck between two advertisements, and there it was, Rick's response. The handwriting didn't appear to be his normal broad, bold strokes, but daintier, and almost feminine. She opened it carefully and found a beautiful Thank You Card, printed from the funeral home, with beautiful script writing reading simply, 'Thank You, from the family of Meredith Castle" and a short note below,**_

"_**Kate, **_

_**Thank you for remembering Rick and Alexis at this difficult time, your compassion and gift were greatly appreciated. Please be well, and Thank You once again,"**_

_**Sincerely,**_

_**Linda (For Rick and Alexis)**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 21**

**4 Years 1 Month since Rick Left for the Hamptons**

**Rick's Loft**

**Next-Day 8:00 AM EST **

Linda had promised to call when she landed and got settled into a home in the same neighborhood where she lived with Rick, and Alexis just a year ago. Rick had secured a two-year lease on a smaller home, 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, only about a block away from where they had lived. It was a comfort to both he and Alexis, to know she would be in a safe neighborhood and would be familiar with the area. Alexis and Ron had joined Rick for breakfast, he had catered, figuring Linda would call him soon. Just as they finished their meal Rick's cell phone rang with Linda's ringtone, (note to self, need to change that he thought as the last strains of the old classic, Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me from Mel Carter sounded),

"Hi Linda, I trust you got there safely and everything is going well," Rick said sadly,

"Rick, how many times have I told you, please stop paying for everything, My God, the limo was at the airport, and took me straight to our old neighborhood to a home absolutely beautiful, and told me it was mine, courtesy of Mr. Rogers. I couldn't say a word until I found myself inside the door, my suitcases beside me, and the driver handed me the keys."

"I hope you like it, Linda, we had walked past it several times when I was still rehabbing, and I thought it would be perfect for you, so please don't be angry, I just need to know you're safe."

"I second that Linda, please let Dad do this, you'll have enough on you to get back into the groove at work and no need to worry about housing, please, do it for Ron and me?"

"OK Lexi, but tell your father no more, and I'm serious. He needs to figure out what he's going to do with the rest of his life, he knows I love him, but, well it's better this way, I just want him to be happy."

"I am Linda, well, I will be someday, but I understand, I really do, I would have left me long before you did"

"Rick, I didn't leave you, I set you free, I still feel the same about you as I did for the last three years, that's why I had to let you go, I love you, probably always will. You're not happy, figure out what's causing that and fix it, please"

Ron nudged Alexis, as if to say, let's go and let your Dad have some privacy, which she picked up on immediately.

"Linda, we are going to go back home, we just wanted to be sure you got there safely and accepted the key, we love you, and you know that will never change," Alexis said with tears in her voice

"Same here Baby, call me when you need me, I love you and Ron as well, talk to you soon" Ron and Alexis quietly slip from Rick's loft to head home, knowing now Linda was safe.

"Rick, I hope you don't think I left you and your love for a job, it's because you deserve to be happy, and you were only halfway there with me, make it right Rick, let go of pride and ego for the sake of us all, and call me when you can.

I already miss you like crazy, thanks for the stuffed bear, I pressed his paw and jumped when I heard your voice come out. At least I have that much and the voicemails you left me; I'll listen to them if I get lonely. I have to get ready and you need to get your life in order, so remember I love you, more than you'll ever know, so take care of yourself and be happy, Bye for now" as the line went dead and left Rick wondering what to do next.

The last 3, hell if he were serious almost 4 years since he fought the attraction, afraid of another turndown until he finally took the chance. If he could only lose the 3 years before the heart attack, he was sure he and Linda would be happy, happier than he had been in many years.

He didn't know why, and no matter how he tried, the memories of Kate were with him, every day, and most nights. That would be great if they were good, but seeing her parade other guys, hearing the lie time and again made him wake in sweats more often than he would admit.

He glanced at the clock, 8:40 AM, well that's how it was going to be, time almost standing still. He knew Alexis and Linda both had talked to him about drinking, and he had promised. Well, time for a run, maybe he could come up with an idea for a new book. He changed his clothes, texted Alexis, since she was the worrying kind, and took off.

He took a different route, time to change things in his life, and it started today. He found himself in the park, along with many other joggers. As he paced himself, he saw the spot where the high school student was killed and the boathouse where his body had been dragged, the rich kids and their entitled attitudes that left two young men dead, promises unfulfilled.

Try as he might, he tried to forget about the Detective, but her words seemed etched in his memory, he glanced to his left, there was the spot when she lied to the kids about going to prep schools, it was such a convincing effort she had even fooled him. Perhaps just an early demonstration of her ability to lie and look you in the eye, he never could understand why, or why it was always him.

He jogged on, the burning of his legs and lungs let him know it was time to slow it down and prepare for the trip home. He walked some distance, breathing deeply, got his second wind, and drank from his water bottle, as he prepared to head home. He was so lost in his routine; he didn't spot the female jogger staying behind him a safe distance but taking in his every move.

Kate had spotted him from about half block behind him and followed his route, why, she had no idea, other than just to see him once again. She was kicking herself; she knew he didn't want anything to do with her, he was happy with Linda, and now she had to step back just as he had done. She began to realize just how much that hurt when just ahead someone had pulled over to talk to Rick.

Pretending to re-tie her shoelaces, she noticed that it wasn't Linda, what the hell did Gina want from him? She had cost her a summer in the Hamptons, and now she was fucking up another chance to, to what Kate? Gina hadn't screwed up anything, it was her lie, damn it, why did the lie come out so easily, the truth wouldn't have hurt him near as much. Well, the joke was on her, then she saw the BMW drive away with Rick in the car. Damn it, Gina, not again!

She came out of her memory and started to pour some extra energy into the jog home, so much so she wasn't sure she was going to make it without stopping but she pushed on and made it, totally out of oxygen, and badly in need of hydration.

Why the hell did she have to run by Ricks? Why the hell did Gina's car have to be parked there? God only knew what they were doing? Wait, where was Linda? Why did Rick allow Gina to come back to the loft unless, Oh God, no, not again, poor Rick. If he and Linda had split, he was ready for anyone to take advantage of him, especially Gina, she knew his weak spots.

She walked slowly to get her heart rate down, finally taking a sip of water as she felt the fatigue replace the burning sensation. She made it to her apartment and to a hot tub, soaked, as she cried. It seemed all she did was cry, but she had no idea of how to make Rick understand she had changed or had she? How could she make him believe it when she still had doubts?

Xx

"Hey hot stuff, Can I give you a lift somewhere?" Gina flirtatiously asked as she pulled alongside Rick, jogging home.

"Thanks, but I'm all sweaty, I know how much that bothers you, appreciate the offer, but I'll keep running."

"Rick, get in, you look exhausted, well you also look hot as hell to, so please get in. It's a leased car that goes back next week, figuratively no sweat" she laughed,

Rick looked at her for a long second and then thought, what the hell, as he climbed in.

"Thanks, Genes, I guess I did run a bit farther than I planned, guess I got lost in my thoughts" he smiled back,

"Well do you want to grab a shower and then we go to lunch?" she asked like it was an everyday occurrence,

"OK Gina, what's up, why are you being so nice? I mean I don't owe you any chapters, and I think I still have 6 months left on my leave of absence before I even have to submit my next story idea"

"Rick, why do you ask that? He just glared at her, with that look like WTH are you talking about, this is us. "OK, OK, I saw Linda at the airport yesterday, I was coming in and she was headed to departures, I asked her where you were, she replied at home, which floored me. I saw she was headed to the gate for the International flight, meaning London, and well, I wanted to know if you are OK?"

"What all did she tell you?" he asked as his guard went up,

"Just that she was going back to the UK to work when I asked her when you would be joining her, she said, probably never, she fought the tears Rick, so I wished her well and dropped it"

"Well, I guess the news will get out soon enough, she had a chance back in the UK that was right for her, so we talked and she took it, we're still close, but, well, eh"

"It's OK Rick, I got the picture, are you really OK? I know you; you blame yourself no matter what so please tell me you're not going to the Hamptons for months on end existing only on the calories from the booze, please. I know Alexis is married now, but Rick, she's still your little girl and that would kill her"

"No Genes, I hadn't thought of it, not until you just brought it up, but you're right, it would kill her. I really don't know what I'm going to do. I actually was looking for topics or potential new characters for a new book, I know that's about the only thing that will force me to stay disciplined and keep my workouts going."

"Well, Rick, you look great, hot even, just like the first time we met, except I think you're sexier now,

"OK Genes, what do you need? I may be confused, but I know when I'm getting played?"

"Really Rick, I mean it, I get calls every week about when you're coming back, hell half of the women readers would ready your books if they were the phone book." She smiled,

"Come on, get a shower and let's have lunch, just two old friends, that happened to get married and screw it up, I'm talking about me Rick, not you, I need to tell you somethings and I don't want any old animosities creeping back."

"Oh, what the hell, OK, but Genes, please if I say change the subject, please do, agreed?"

"Agreed Rick, I don't want you to ever walk out on me at a restaurant or anywhere for that matter again, so super-bitch is put away for the evening, I promise" she looked at him, something in her eyes showed she was sincere.

She pulled the car into the visitor's parking spot which was visible from the street. She laughed as Rick asked her,

"You sure you're not sick Gina, trying to make things, right?" he smiled but there was a touch of sincerity in his voice.

"I'm sure, come on, get showered, I'm getting hungry."

Xx

Thirty minutes later Rick and Gina left the visitor spot to go to lunch, and of course, a paparazzi got a picture, it was almost a futile effort now, and as Rick had said, who does he need to shield now? They had a relaxing lunch at Captain Frank's, one of the best seafood restaurants in New York. Rick wasn't very hungry but Gina feeding him bites of her lobster bisque, woke his taste buds, and he enjoyed his meal.

Gina had been very playful, stealing one of his fries, and he one of her hushpuppies, all being caught by the paparazzi until Gina noticed.

"I'm sorry Rick, buzzard at 10:00 and I think he's already shot a roll of film, I'll see if we can kill any stories coming out"

She almost fainted, "No need Genes, let them print what they want, eventually they will run out of lies, so the hell with it, just enjoy your lunch."

She leaned into him and kissed his lips, innocently, especially for two who had shared a matrimonial bed for four years, but the pictures showed everything but innocence.

"Is he still here Genes" as she nodded yes, he leaned over and pulled her into a lip lock that could not be mistaken by anyone that could see.

"Wow, what was that for Rick, not that I'm complaining, but it's been years since I felt that jolt go through me"

"We want the public to get their money's worth if they buy that rag, so why not, besides, I always did love kissing you, you have to know that"

It was Gina who was at a loss for words as Rick paid the bill and they left the restaurant, her head on his shoulder, someone was not going to be happy tomorrow when they saw the paper.

TBC


	22. Chapter 22

**Belated Memories** **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes AU completely. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously **_

"_**Come on, get a shower and let's have lunch, just two old friends, that happened to get married and screw it up, I'm talking about me Rick, not you, I need to tell you somethings and I don't want any old animosities creeping back."**_

"_**Oh, what the hell, OK, but Genes, please if I say change the subject, please do, agreed?"**_

"_**Agreed Rick, I don't want you to ever walk out on me at a restaurant or anywhere for that matter again, so super-bitch is put away for the evening, I promise" she looked at him, something in her eyes showed she was sincere.**_

_**She pulled the car into the visitor's parking spot which was visible from the street. She laughed as Rick asked her,**_

"_**You sure you're not sick Gina, trying to make things, right?" he smiled but there was a touch of sincerity in his voice.**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 22**

**4 Years 1 Month since Rick Left for the Hamptons**

**Gina's Townhouse**

**7:30 PM Same Day**

Rick was pleasantly surprised, Gina had not been the nosey bitch, or control freak she normally was during a work environment, she actually had been fun, and took away some of his loneliness. They had laughed, and kidded each other at life events, before, during, and after they had become a couple. Rick was surprised at her honesty, she actually admitted to bribing, or threatening his escorts for the Page Six events she and Paula forced him into.

"Whoa, Whoa, Genes, just so I heard you right, you threatened or bribed the dates **YOU** arranged for me to all those Black Pawn, Black Tie events? Are you serious? But Why?

"Why? Do you really have to ask that question Rick, my insecurities were what ended us, and that was just one part of it. I never could just let go, and let you love me for me, I had to be better, prettier, sexier than those girls, well at least in my own mind.

I know now how stupid, and really juvenile that was, but it took two years of therapy to get what you just learned. Your alimony well spent, Mr. Castle" as she laughed. It came out so openly and freely, he couldn't believe she was the same person who fought him in court over almost every detail of her settlement.

"I never would have cheated on you Genes, you had to know that. I was devastated once by unfaithfulness and vowed I would never cause the heartache I felt to any other living soul."

She turned serious as she locked on to his eyes, "I know Rick, I know. The therapist told me I was projecting my fears of abandonment from a relationship early in life, you paid the price, and that was totally unfair. I never told you I was sorry, but I really am. I loved you, I truly did, and even knowing now how it would end, I would do it all over again." Tears pool in her eyes that have not lost the grip on Ricks.

Rick pulled her into him and gently held her as she buried her head in his chest, he could feel her sobs, even though, he never heard them, his shirt told the truth of her sorrow.

"Genes, we both did a lot of stupid things, I never let you in, well not all the way, I held you away from Alexis and in many ways made you feel like a stranger in your own home, for that, I'm sorry too. You know what, I also didn't pay the check the last time I walked out on you at the restaurant, I'd like to make that up to you." I'm getting hungry, as he glanced at his watch,

"Rick, is it really that late, have we spent over 5 hours just talking, not one crossword? This is how I want things to be between us, look, I know you're in love with someone else, and so did Linda. I also know you love Linda, and that there was a time, I was Mrs. Richard Castle, I held the moon between the tips of my fingers and didn't even realize it. I just want you to know I'm here for you, for Alexis, I hope you know you can count on me as a friend"

"You know you always did know how to prop me up right before I was ready to crash, somethings never change, Thanks Genes, I'll always love you, just not enough to spend our lives together. It wouldn't be fair to you, that's one of the reasons Linda left, she knew I couldn't fully commit, and she needed more than I could give, it was hard but I hope she finds what she's looking for."

Gina turned and kissed his cheek sweetly, "Let's get dinner, you keep talking and I may forget why I wanted you to come over anyway. We'll talk after dinner, OK?"

He looked into her eyes, and saw love and comfort, not the wild beast screaming at him about lawsuits and deadlines, "Sure Gina," he kissed her cheek, stood, and assisted her off the couch and out the door to dinner. He wasn't even worried anymore what she wanted to talk about anymore. He saw a friend, not the scourge of an ex-wife, or editor screaming.

Xx

**Kate Beckett's Apartment**

**5:30 AM Next Morning**

Kate had tossed and turned, she didn't know why it had upset her so much to see Gina and Rick together, hell they had been married at one time. She thought to herself if Linda was there, no way would Gina come to the loft. Linda loved him, hell almost worshiped the ground he walked on, but something was holding Rick back from a full commitment to her. Yes, she moved in, but she had fully expected them to be married by now. She heard the thud on the door to announce the paper had arrived.

Giving up on sleep she rolled out of bed, started the coffee to brew as she got dressed into her running gear. She ran every morning, it was a good way to just let her mind wander, sometimes even relive memories that she had wished had happened, almost like forgetting a birthday or anniversary and sending belated wishes. She was sending herself some belated memories.

Secretly she wished for more, much more with Rick, but she knew he had to heal from the hurt she caused, and she needed to be sure to put him first, in everything. Lanie had set her straight in no uncertain terms just what Linda did that she hadn't.

Looking back, she knew exactly when, things changed for them, at least for her perspective. She woke to find him rooting quietly through little girls' toys, looking for a particular stuffed animal, she had pretended to be asleep, but that was the moment her heart melted and she fell in love with him.

That had been the third or fourth case they worked together, and her ex, Sorenson was there to screw things up. Rick had walked in just as Will kissed her, why did she even let him get that close? Damn it, she knew she loved Rick, but that would have been a hell of a Hallmark moment, kissing my ex means I love you card. He played it off as a joke, but she saw hurt and disappointment in his eyes, an emotion he had felt countless times more, till he couldn't take it anymore.

She stopped her mind from going back any farther, she couldn't relive the moment she almost lost him for eternity, instead, she headed for the door. She immediately went to page six, of the Entertainment Section, just a habit, as she poured her first cup of coffee. She almost spit her beverage out when she saw the pictures, Gina and Rick, they were, What the Fuck did he think he was doing, he was kissing her.

She half set, half threw her cup into the sink, grabbed her gun and badge and headed to the door. She had to run, she had to get those images out of her mind. He was with Linda, when did Gina re-enter? Was he still with Linda? Or oh fuck it, he's not with me, that's all that counts as she pounded the pavement almost on auto-pilot.

She really wasn't aware of the route her feet were taking her, but she suddenly veered down a side street, she saw him, he was just starting his jog. No way she could talk to him now, what would she say, "Oh I see you're bonking your ex-wife again, where do I fit into the rotation?" That wasn't fair she knew but she was jealous, how long could he hold things against her, had she really hurt him that badly?

She allowed him time to get far enough ahead of her where he wouldn't spot her, as she returned to her route, and wish she hadn't. There was Gina's car, parked in the visitor's spot, which meant only one thing, they had worked out together in private in his bedroom, as she seethed in anger.

She knew it was irrational, but she was still angry, hurt, and really a mess. She modified her run and returned home, afraid of running into him, she couldn't hold back her emotions if she did and that would only push him further away. She went directly to the shower and did what she always did in these moments, let the hot water flow over her, and muffle her tears and sobs, would she ever get over him?

Xx

**Castle's Loft**

**Previous Evening**

Rick insisted on using the car service, he knew that the mood they both were in, it was a strong possibility of an excess of alcohol. He sent an Alexis a text that he and Gina were having dinner, trying to come up with ideas for his next book. He knew if she thought it was romantic, he would be staring down the redhead in her most dangerous state, angry. Something he tried to avoid as much as possible

Gina continued to surprise him, and he actually enjoyed dinner and her company. He spotted the paparazzi this time,

"Genes, the buzzards are out again, anything you need us to do to make them retract anything they publish?"

Her answer came, but it wasn't in words. She pulled him in and kissed him as he had her earlier, this time it was Rick who had that twinge of memory of how good things, especially sex had been with her.

"What was that for? Not that I'm complaining but I don't want to give you any false ideas Gina, I'm still reeling from Linda"

"I know, that's just to tell you, I'm here for you, and I will be until you tell me to get out of your life, or one of us is gone. This time I don't have to bribe or threaten the woman on page six, it's still good advertising, but to be honest, I did because I love kissing you too."

Rick actually blushed, then laughed as Gina kidded him, "Rick we were married for over four years, we have done a hell of a lot more than that, remember the elevator in Paris" as she giggled,

"I do, one of the scariest but best times in my life, I thought the doors were going to open to find us in the middle of, well you know"

Gina laughed this time, "Rick, you're a man, you never cheat on your partner, but I'm your ex-wife, not attached to anyone, you're single, I know where I stand, but you know, I have wants, and needs too. I'm just putting this out here if you need physical relief, PLEASE don't go to that damn gentlemen club you joined with Damian Westlake, call me, I know the score and no strings attached."

"Is this what you wanted to talk about Genes?" he asked his face puzzled,

"Actually no, it hadn't entered my mind, well till you kissed me the first time and I realized how long it had been that anyone had made me feel like that, and it was just a kiss, Rick. I guess I have a ton of memories, I haven't dealt with either"

Rick smiled, but still blushed, as he gently held her hand. "Genes, just promise me one thing", as he locked onto her eyes, "Promise me this isn't out of sympathy for me, I know how hurt you were after the divorce. Alexis only told me bits and pieces, but enough to know that I had hurt you. Just so you know she loved Linda, but she never stopped loving you too, she didn't want to hurt me by talking about you, I finally got it out of her when Mer was so sick and she needed Dad to talk to."

"I love her too Rick, that never stopped, but I would never do anything that would hurt your chance to be happy, God knows you deserve it. I don't do mercy Fucks, Rick, not even for you, but if we wind up in bed, it will be because we both know the score, no promises, just two people who love each other celebrating in the oldest way recorded."

Rick smiled, his first true smile in ages, "Gina, do you remember the song that was playing our first time?"

"If you mean the time the damn remote wouldn't change the channel, and we listened to that country station all throughout first, well first 4 times being honest. I remember Rick", as she reached over to her phone and hit one of her apps, out came the song low but loud enough for Rick to hear, and smile.

City sun goes down at night  
Makin' way for neon lights  
Country boy is looking at the moon  
City girl is dressed just right  
She may stay out late tonight  
Country boy just plowed today 'til noon

From Birmingham to Ohio  
How they met nobody knows  
Every now and then they get together  
She used to want to climb the walls  
She'd never really been loved at all  
Not until ol' country came to town

He's the first one to the room  
Ice and drinks will be up soon  
Everything is perfect when she walks in  
They kiss and hold each other tight  
They know what's in store tonight  
They're not someplace they have never been

She used to want to climb the walls  
She'd never really been loved at all  
Not until ol' country came to town

Rick looked at her shocked, "Genes, when did you download that, I thought you hated Country music,"

"I do, but this memory is one I wanted to keep forever. Other than you being a Country Boy, the song said it all, I really never had been loved at all, until you showed me. It was the best time of my life, Rick, I just wanted you to know that. You're going to find what you're looking for, but you don't have to do it alone."

Rick lowered his head, thinking of all the times he thought Gina never loved him, how wrong he had been. Even now she was laying it on the line, even if it was too fresh, he loved Gina, but he needed to get some priorities straight in his own life.

"Hey, just in case you think I'm pressuring you, Sweetie, I can wait, no rush, you know the offer and believe me I do understand just how badly you are hurting. If and When you feel the timing is right, call me" she kissed his lips gently, and he wiped a tear from her eye with his napkin.

"You want to get out of here, I think they are about out of film by now", he laughed, glad they had taken the car service. Neither was drunk, but for the safety of others, it was better to not drive. When they reached her townhouse, he walked her to her door, kissed her sweetly,

"Gene's call the car service to come over tomorrow, we can get breakfast, and you can retrieve your car, we might even get to talk some" his smile was back.

"I would love that Rick, I'll text you when I'm coming, I really enjoyed today, the best day I've had in a long time"

"I enjoyed it as well, Thanks Genes, I'm beginning to see things a little more clearly now, let's talk tomorrow, Goodnight" he kissed her sweetly, but not passionately, he knew he would never be able to walk away if he started things up. He loved Gina, he just had to figure out his life, simple thing to say, but well one day at a time.

"Goodnight Rick, see you tomorrow" Gina smiled as she closed the door and breathed his handkerchief deeply, it had his smell, and he didn't even realize she had taken it. One day at a time indeed.


	23. Chapter 23

**Belated Memories** **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously **_

"_**You want to get out of here, I think they are about out of film by now", he laughed, glad they had taken the car service. Neither was drunk, but for the safety of others, it was better to not drive. When they reached her townhouse, he walked her to her door, kissed her sweetly,**_

"_**Gene's call the car service to come over tomorrow, we can get breakfast, and you can retrieve your car, we might even get to talk some" his smile was back.**_

"_**I would love that Rick, I'll text you when I'm coming, I really enjoyed today, the best day I've had in a long time"**_

"_**I enjoyed it as well, Thanks Genes, I'm beginning to see things a little more clearly now, let's talk tomorrow, Goodnight" he kissed her sweetly, but not passionately, he knew he would never be able to walk away if he started things up. He loved Gina, he just had to figure out his life, simple thing to say, but well one day at a time.**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 23**

**4 Years 2 Month since Rick Left for the Hamptons**

**Linda's Home **

_**Noak Hill Road, **_

_**Romford UK RM3**_

**Two Days Later**

Linda was between emotions, she had said goodbye to Rick for him to find his way back to the only woman he seemed to love, Kate Beckett, not his ex-wife and publisher. BBC had been broadcasting the pictures constantly, you would have thought he was a Royal or something. She was hurt, confused, perhaps he hadn't loved her as much as she thought. It was just about noon, and she was working from home the first couple of weeks, when her phone rang, with a familiar ring tone, she hadn't changed it, probably never would. As Steve Perry finished the strain of Faithfully, she composed herself to answer.

"Hello, Rick" trying to hide the tears in her voice,

"So, you've seen them, I had hoped they hadn't made their way over there yet without me alerting you, I'm sorry you saw them before we talked."

"Talk about what Rick?" she was trying her best not to let him know just how much it hurt,

"Linda, we've never played games before, I don't want to start now. Gina and I were having lunch when we spotted a paparazzi, what she thought was good press, a simple kiss was made into far more than what happened. I only kissed her, nothing else. We talked, and frankly, she knows me almost as well as you do, and it was nice to have someone to unload on."

"Rick, I have no claim on you, if I recall it was I who chose to leave you, not because I don't love you, I still do, and yes, God Damn it hurt, it hurt badly" the bravado she started off with was gone and she was crying.

"Linda, please understand, I have a relationship with Gina, I won't try to explain it, but there are things that I need, yes I know it hurt and I'm sorry, I truly am. I hurt too, watching you fade into a crowd at the airport hurt me deeply. We talked about you, how I messed up, not committing to you, and how you had to seek your own happiness."

"Did you talk about Kate as well? It seems like every relationship leads back to your devotion to her, I know you won't cheat Rick, so I often thought that you were working her out of your system, so I held on, longer than I should have for us both."

"We talked about a lot of things, some old that I had screwed up, some recent screw-ups and yes, we talked about how I really wasn't totally honest with you, I'm sorry, so very sorry. I never meant to hurt you, but I know you are"

"Well, I was the one that said, No Regrets as I set you free, I don't know why I got so upset, I guess, well, I guess I was hoping that I was enough. Hoping someday you would see just how much I really do love you, but, Rick as you try to get over Kate, it's time for me to move on as well.

I don't know what that means for us, I know that I am going to be more guarded with my heart, and I know you didn't hurt me intentionally, I know you would never do that. The result is the same, I did hurt, and you've heard I'm sorry enough in your life to know just how much that helps. I think what I'm saying Rick is that I'm changing plans, I am going back on the market and see if anyone is still interested.

I never set out to be an old maid, and I'll be damned if I give up now. I know you and Gina have unfinished business, Alexis and I talked, and I know it wasn't the easiest divorce for either of you. Go back, make things right, and, well, we'll just have to see what the Universe has in store for each of us. I still love you, but Rick, you're free, and now I am as well. I guess I shouldn't have gotten upset, I'm sorry, it won't happen again."

Rick had been quiet, taking in every word that Linda said, and she raised valid points, some things he couldn't answer, but he sure as hell knew that all the apologies in the world wouldn't make her feel one bit better. He was still in thought when he heard

"Rick, are you still there?"

"Sorry, yes, Linda, I was thinking about what you said, please promise me that you'll keep in touch with Alexis, I don't expect you will want to hear from me, but please keep the lines open with her."

"I will Rick, and Rick, you can still call me if you ever need me, I just don't want to know about the wine, woman, and song that seem to be coming back into your life."

"I understand Linda, for what it's worth, I still love you,"

"And I love you, Goodbye Rick" then the line went dead.

Rick hung up his phone and wondered why the Hell did he hurt so much, he loved Kate, and hurt, he loved Gina, and being truthful she had hurt him badly, now Linda. He loved her, he tried to love her with all of his heart but he couldn't give what was already gone. He knew he had hurt her; it didn't matter if he meant to or not, the end result was the same, she felt as he had so many nights. The difference was it bothered him, not like Kate who could laugh in his face and leave with another man oblivious to his feelings, or even if he had any at all. Perhaps Gina was on to something with her ideas.

**Flashback**

**Two Days Before**

Once they had returned from Dinner and all the paparazzi, Gina took the back entrance, which blocked off the press to her townhouse, turning to Rick she said,

"There really are somethings I want to talk to you about if you don't mind. If you're tired, we can get the car service. I don't know about you, but I've had enough of those vultures in my face for one night."

"Sure Gina, I'm game. I'm calling Paula now to limit who gets to print those shots, some are just plain rag magazines, that we already have injunctions against, give me a minute and I'll be up."

Gina changed quickly into a set of pajama pants and lacy top, it was sexy, but not slutty. Rick stepped into the room just as she had poured his coffee.

"Wow, you look nice, that's sexy Genes, it really makes your figure stand out." He smiled,

"Not bad for sleepwear eh?"

"What?"

"Relax if I was going to try to seduce you, I would have put on something more like you bought for me for our wedding night" as she smiled, "Rick are you blushing" and her smile turned into laughter. She had a beautiful laugh, something he hadn't heard in a long time.

"Point taken" he laughed "I remember that night, God, don't get me started or we'll never get that talk in."

"Well Rick, I know you're on Leave from Black Pawn, and if I know you, I'm guessing the last thing you want to write about is the Detective, well excuse me, Captain now, but you need to write, you really do. We need a subject you can get just as invested in as you did that damn police station."

"Well, you would be right on that point Gina, I really don't see any new Heat books, at least the shape I'm in now. Do you have any ideas about how to write without mentioning that part of my life?"

"I have to tell you when I heard you wrote a book about your mother, I didn't hold out much hope, I never saw that sensitive side of you on paper. When I read it, I went through a box of tissues in the first ten chapters, and I even knew some of the things that were being written. You showed a side of yourself that I don't think even you know you have."

"Thanks, Genes, it was about the hardest thing I ever had to do, but many saw Mother as drinking, aging stage actress when she was so much more, she had a heart bigger than Texas and would always help others, even when we had little ourselves."

"I knew she loved me as a daughter, and from what Alexis has shared with me, you paid the price for several months when we split, she blamed you, even when everyone else knew it was me. Why didn't you correct her Rick?"

"Genes, would it have mattered, we had parted, Mother was hurt, she felt a loss of family and she did take it out on me for, well it doesn't matter. Things were good with us when she did pass, that's all that counts."

"Well, hear this out Rick before you close your mind to it, please? As I said, I never knew you had that sensitivity in your writing, and I have been playing around with my own my own book. You would think a book editor would be able to write in a style that would appeal to the markets, turns out so much."

"Why, what do you mean Gina, I'm sure you're too tough on yourself, what's the book about, and did you come up with a title yet?"

"Rick, please, you promised, don't get angry but the book is about us, the title is "Tips of My Fingers, When Good Love Goes Bad".

Rick sat stunned for a few moments, then looked up at an anxious Gina, "Well, how bad does it suck?" she asked,

"I love the title Genes, it's catchy, is it based on us totally, or does it include your life before me, namely Marty?"

Gina blushed, and quietly said "How did you know about him, Rick? I made it a point to never bring him up any time in our relationship"

"When you were awake Genes, you talk in your sleep, once early in our relationship you slipped and started to call me Ma then changed it quickly to My Love, but I knew who was on your mind."

"How Rick, and why didn't you ever say something?"

"Do you remember when you insisted on trading High School yearbooks to see what was written and by whom? Marty Sherbini wrote a love letter to you next to his name, it wasn't too hard to figure out that he was the one that went to a different school than you, and found someone new fairly quickly.

Why didn't I bring it up? Gina, those are your memories BR, that stands for Before Rick, so what right do I have to make you feel bad over what already caused a broken heart over? It didn't bother me, well much, when it did, I reminded myself that you married me, not him and that was his loss."

Rick looked over, Gina was quiet, but he saw tears in her eyes, "You're a romantic jerk, why couldn't you tell me things like that when we were married. You wonder why I loved you then, you always put me first, and still do. That's why no matter what happens between us I will always love you.

I can't believe you knew about Marty, even worse that I called his name in my sleep, but yes Rick, he was the one that you paid the price for, he cheated on me for years, until I finally woke up. I'm sorry you paid for him hurting me, I really am, but I swear I was truthful when I told you I love you, I never lied."

"Gina, I know that. If for one moment I believed that you had do you think we would continue to have the relationship we do?" You know how I feel about lying, and how much I stressed that to Alexis growing up. Once you lose a person's trust, it's hard if even possible to regain it. I was honest with Linda, but I could have been more forthcoming, I know this hurt her, but that's a pain I will have to live with."

"What about us Rick, have you forgiven me, or is that something that you can't get over.?"

"You made a mistake, a big one, but still a mistake, and the difference between you and others Gina, you loved me enough to come to me and tell me yourself. So yes Gina, I forgave you long ago, and in my own way I will always love you as well."

Gina had brought up a screen from her entertainment center, and displayed were the writer's notes and parts of the first few chapters outlined, Rick was right it was about Marty at this point. He reviewed it quickly and could immediately tell when she had started with him, the tone was so different.

"Genes, what are you proposing, I'm no editor, you know that better than anyone. What role do you need me for?"

"I'm thinking of opening my own publishing company, and I know you can't desert Black Pawn, even if you wanted to, but I thought, maybe you could co-write this story, there's no one else that has your gift with phrasing and laying the story out for readers to provide them hope, not paint another broken-hearted song put into book form." She looked at him as if what she said was an everyday event.

"Wait, Whoa, What? You leaving Black Pawn, the first question is why? As for opening a publishing company, Genes, that takes cash, lots of it, not that you're hurting now, but do you want to take that risk. You know your Uncle will come after you, just like he would a stranger, it's just him."

"I know Rick, I know, but Uncle J is getting ready to call it quits, his kids are assholes, so the entire operation will be different soon. That's not even considering that you will probably not want to come back, if I know you, too many memories, and I really don't blame you. I don't want to lose you in a professional sense Rick, does that make sense?"

"You want me and you to sit down and write a book about love going bad, but not paint a gloom and doom picture on the works? Gina, I struggled writing about Mother, I'm not really sure if I could take digging up old memories that would bring us both hurt." He looked out the window, seemed like everyone he ever cared for had caused some pain, none more than Kate.

"I know Rick, but remember when we met, I asked you how you could be so positive about love when you had been taken to the cleaners by Meredith, not speaking badly of her, but you got a pretty big hit on that deal. Do you remember what you said?" She looked at him, and he could see she had anticipated his arguments,

"Word for word, Gina, I never forgot that night. The heart wants what the heart wants, sometimes it takes longer but true love will come." His eyes mist, as Gina has him in her arms just hugging and kissing his forehead.

"Oh Sweetie, it will, for us all, but think about it, please. You are the only one that knows the story from both sides, and we could fix the issues in the book, even if we couldn't in life. I wouldn't expect you to put your name on it, too big a risk, but you could write under a pseudo name, whatever you want."

"You're really serious about this, me and you, together, writing a book where we fix the problems we encountered with our characters, right?"

"Yes, is that stupid"

"Well, I seem to recall you telling me to go for it when I pitched the Heat concept, so what the hell, send me what you have, let's do it, and Gina, I don't need a fake name."

She was in his arms in a minute, holding him, "You know Rick how this got started, and please don't laugh"

"Well, if my guess is right, it was your journal you had to write for your therapist, I did too" as he pulled back and kissed her cheek,

"Let's see if we can write a book that some couple can save a good love, I'm in. Oh, and that publishing company, think if you want a partner to keep your investments safer, less risk, well if you can stand working with me."

The look of surprise on her face was priceless, total shock, but if they could get along like this, no one could come close to them. Gina knew the publishing industry better than anyone, and what the hell was he going to do anyway, he was more likely to cave if he were bored.

"Thanks, Rick, this is Christmas for me all over again, you just gave me the best present." She laid her head on his shoulder just holding him, swaying ever so slightly. Unconventional, yes, but when had they ever done anything in the traditional way, why start now.


	24. Chapter 24

**Belated Memories** **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously **_

"_**You want to get out of here, I think they are about out of film by now", he laughed, glad they had taken the car service. Neither was drunk, but for the safety of others, it was better to not drive. When they reached her townhouse, he walked her to her door, kissed her sweetly,**_

"_**Gene's call the car service to come over tomorrow, we can get breakfast, and you can retrieve your car, we might even get to talk some" his smile was back.**_

"_**I would love that Rick, I'll text you when I'm coming, I really enjoyed today, the best day I've had in a long time"**_

"_**I enjoyed it as well, Thanks Genes, I'm beginning to see things a little more clearly now, let's talk tomorrow, Goodnight" he kissed her sweetly, but not passionately, he knew he would never be able to walk away if he started things up. He loved Gina, he just had to figure out his life, simple thing to say, but well one day at a time.**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 24**

**2 months Later**

**Rick's Hampton Beach House**

True to his word, Rick had taken the manuscript of Gina's and added his own touch. One of the first things he did was add a "Forward with a disclaimer" stating that although the book was based on real-life events, no particular person(s) story was used without their expressed consent. Since it was only, he and Gina, it was more of a smokescreen than anything else.

He also referenced a beautiful song and challenged every couple to read if not listen to it, and chart your relationship upon the thought, that would remind couples, there truly is a last time for everything, tomorrow is not promised. The song was to remind us all, that time is not endless for any of us.

He had penned a personal note to each reader and signed his name to it.

"_**You all know this book is based on a true story, sad but oh so true. When I heard this song for the first time, I was pretty low, actually about as low as a human could be. When I listened to the words, I made a vow, to remember them and never treat the good things in life that had come to me with such a cavalier attitude. Stop and thank your partner, at least once a day, before your last time for everything reaches you. Enjoy the book, and we hope you learn something to help you along the way.**_

_**Special thanks to those in my life, you know who you are, who believed in me when I gave you little if anything to believe in, Thank You, **_

_**Always,"**_

_**Rick**_

_**I still taste his kiss, warm on my lips**_

_**Feel the fire in his touch and the love that I miss **_

_**Hear those three little words each time he said goodbye**_

_**It's like he always knew what I now realize**_

_**There's a Last Time for Everything **_

_**A tomorrow that never comes **_

_**A moment you never dreamed **_

_**Could leave so many dreams undone **_

_**One thing in life is certain **_

_**It's not as certain as it seems **_

_**So, while there's blue sky above you **_

_**Take the time to say "I Love You"**_

_**'Cause there's a last time for everything**_

_**The days we are given are precious and few**_

_**Savor each sunrise whatever you do**_

_**Don't let the the sunset on the slightest regret**_

_**Make beautiful memories and never forget**_

_**There's a Last Time for Everything **_

_**A tomorrow that never comes **_

_**A moment you never dreamed **_

_**Could leave so many dreams undone **_

_**One thing in life is certain **_

_**It's not as certain as it seems **_

_**So, while there's blue sky above you **_

_**Take the time to say "I Love You"**_

_**'Cause there's a last time for everything**_

_**One thing in life is certain **_

_**It's not as certain as it seems **_

_**So, while there's blue sky above you **_

_**Take the time to say "I Love You"**_

_**'Cause there's a last time...for everything**_

_**THERE'S A LAST TIME FOR EVERYTHING**_

_**(Deborah Allen / Curtis Wright)**_

The approach that worked after trial and error, was that Gina would write a chapter, Rick would edit it with his suggestions, then write the next chapter. Gina would drive up to the Hamptons every two weeks, and they would plan the next chapters. It was a winning approach, Rick was at peace with his runs on the beach, no chance of distractions from anyone or anything in the city.

Alexis and Ron had spent a few weekends with Rick, it took some convincing but Rick finally got Alexis convinced he hadn't fallen back into Gina's arms on the rebound. Gina had gone out of her way to be open with Alexis, knowing she was talking to Linda at least once or twice weekly.

She hoped if nothing else it would take some of the hurt away. Outside of a few kisses, no other physical contact had been made. Gina was true to her word, she had made the offer, and stood back and waited. If it happened, great, if not she was still lucky to have Rick still in her life.

Today was the day, the final edit, and the day he showed Gina his forward, he only hoped that she would agree with it, they had yet to fight once over the book, he hoped this didn't break that streak. Alexis and Ron were already there when Gina arrived and they were about as excited as Rick. It would be the first time he ever co-authored anything, and the first time Gina Griffin would become a published author.

Rick had submitted the idea to Harper-Collins, no relation to his son-in-law and they had grabbed the opportunity. Gina wasn't aware that there was already a sizeable advance in a joint account in Wells Fargo Bank, for her and Rick. He was going to really surprise her, he hoped it didn't explode on him.

Xx

"Well Rick, are you ready, this should be it, our final edits, then we shop for a publisher to take a chance on it."

"Actually Gina, I haven't been completely open with you"

Her face was ashen with worry, "What, what do you mean Rick, we're almost done, you aren't backing out now are you?"

"No nothing like that, why don't you take a look at the final edit copy and see what you think, I know we decided no dedication, but I hope this is OK."

She read a few lines, then the tears show, by the time she finished, her tissue was in shreds.

"Well is it OK? Rick asked,

"Can I make one modification to it Rick, if no I understand but it would mean a lot to me. I love that song and wore out the record and had to buy it online,"

"What modification would you like Genes?"

She pushed the edit copy back to him, with his signature she had added her name, so now it read Rick and Gina, instead of just his, he looked up in surprise. "You sure Gina?"

"Yes, I am, now what else haven't you told me, I hope it's as good as that surprise was"

Rick pushed a piece of paper over to her, and all she saw was an agreement to purchase exclusive rights to publish "Tips of My Fingers, When Good Love Goes Bad", Authors, Castle, Griffin for the sum of $ and it had too many zeros for her to even imagine.

"Rick, does this mean"

"It means we go to press as soon as my editor signs off on the latest revisions, the advance is in Wells Fargo account, two blocks from your office"

"How, when?"

"Remember when I came in when you were jammed up, and told you to sign these two documents for the release so we could start shopping the book, it was the actual contract and the other was the endorsement of the check, Sorry, I wanted to be sure nothing fell through"

She jumped from her stool at the kitchen and hugged him so tightly, "you have no idea Rick, no idea at all of how happy I am right now. I don't care if it sells 10 copies, we did it, and I loved working with you." She muffled through her tears into his chest.

Alexis smiled, knowing that her Dad was right, he loved Gina, but she wasn't a threat to Linda, never had been. The only one standing in her way was a Police Captain.

Xx

**Two Weeks Later**

**12****th**** Precinct**

**NYPD**

Kate sat at her desk reviewing budget and staffing numbers, how the hell did Roy manage to do this job for so long without killing someone. Her phone pinged, and the message was from her Barnes and Noble book store, two blocks away. It was an alert of a new book from Richard Castle, co-author with Griffin, who the hell was that? She had to acknowledge yes to reserve her copy within 30 minutes, she replied yes, almost out of instinct.

She waited the thirty minutes, then walked out of her office, the suspense was killing her. Rick had never co-authored a book with anyone, especially outside of the Black Pawn family. This was published by Harper-Collins, so Gina hadn't sunk her claws in him that deep, she thought.

"Roz, I have to step out for about thirty minutes, call me if all hell breaks loose please"

"Sure, thing Kate," Karpowski replied.

Kate walked by Remy's, and the Java Hut where the aromas coming from each triggered so many memories, coffees, and lattes were made to her specification, including the two pumps of sugar free vanilla, the memories of so many hours of laughter, mixed with cheeseburgers, fries, shakes, and some food fights. God, she missed him, she missed Kevin, Javi, Roy, hell she missed her old life.

She shook the memories and continued walking the second block to B&N and even with her VIP card, waited for 15 minutes as they located the book. They automatically charged it to her account and it was in a protective bag so she didn't see the book jacket until she returned to her office.

The one advantage of her position was some degree of privacy as she closed the blinds and locked the door. She had stopped for another try at a latte, she had given up coffee once Rick had left, she found it along with the memories that came with it much too bitter. She sipped the hot beverage and found it not too bad, that is until she opened the bag and saw the book in its entirety. She would have lost her lunch if she had bothered to take time to eat, which she was glad she hadn't now.

There on the cover, titled, "**Tips of My Fingers, When Good Love Goes Bad"** was a current picture of Rick and Gina, heads leaned against each other, with their hands photoshopped so each held the beginning, Rick, and the end, Gina of the title. They both looked happy, and that part had not been altered. She looked at Gina closely and for the first time, realized just how beautiful she was. She and Rick made a gorgeous couple, even she had to admit.

She knew that Linda had returned to the UK, running his financials showed Rick leasing a home there for two years, the only question Kate had was it over between Linda and Rick and had he started up again with his ex-wife. The timing was suspicious, but hell she was sounding like a damn reporter on TMZ now for God's sake. It was none of her business.

She looked at the book briefly, there wasn't a dedication, as far back as she remembered Rick always dedicated his books to someone special to him. She flipped the page and saw his message, well their message since Gina had signed it as well. She wasn't familiar with the lyrics, but if the book was as sad as it already made her feel, she didn't dare read anymore at work.

Xx

Gina placed a call to a certain someone across the ocean, she wanted her to know that regardless of what the papers had printed, Rick was still battling the same old fight, how to let Kate go, and would Linda still have him. Had he procrastinated too long and lost her, he almost was afraid to call, even knowing his daughter spoke to her each week.

Gina was nervous, as she placed the call when it rang three times, she almost hung up, but Linda answered it on the start of the fourth ring.

"Linda Crane speaking"

"Hi Linda, this is Gina Griffin Cowell, please don't hang up. I would like to speak to you woman to woman and also alert you to a package you will be receiving soon."

"Hi Gina, why should I hang up? I remember you, and if you don't know, Rick and I parted ways for him to find his true happiness several weeks ago, he's free to sleep with whomever he chooses."

"No, no, no Linda, nothing like that, I know you saw the pictures of us kissing, I'll be honest, I wanted more, have for years, but even though I didn't get it on two occasions it made for great press for what you will be receiving shortly."

"What are you talking about Gina, like I told Rick, I don't want to hear about his women, even ex-wife, it's just too painful."

"Well fact number one, we didn't do anything except kiss three times, all the while knowing the paparazzi were getting shots, we never spent the night, or slept together in any way, he still loves you, and I guess still in love with Kate, either way, he's struggling.

I asked him to co-author a book about our time together, not the salacious details but more of how we could have handled conflict better, in hopes our mistakes, well mainly mine would help other couples going through similar situations. We signed a book and sent it special delivery so when you get it, please know this provided me with closure, something I never had before."

"Let me get this straight, you and Rick co-authored a book, were snapped kissing on two occasions, but you never did anything further than that? Hell, you two were married for four years, I would think the body would move on autopilot if nothing else."

Gina laughed, "Well it might have but Rick's got this one trait about him, most women find quite appealing, he's faithful to his partner, with or without a paper or spoken agreement, and somewhere he still is attached to you. I know you think it's Kate, but Linda I know how much you love him, and from someone who didn't, please take this advice from me, fight for him if that's what your heart wants. Every day the events of the Detective gets fainter and fainter, almost like memories he's trying to shut down and leave in the distance."

"Gina, I appreciate you calling, I truly do, but I am asking myself, Why? Why would you try to get Rick and I back together when you love the man?"

"Good Point Linda, like I said, this book gave me closure, something I was missing, and now I know Rick and me were good on paper, but we lived two different lives, it was a mistake we both tried hard to work through, and yes I love him, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I can see when that ended when you get the book check out chapter 8 if you don't believe me, it's all there in black and white for the world to see. Oh, just so you know the names of the characters are Ron for Rick, and Gwen for me, we didn't want to turn in into a true confessional rag, but rather work through our characters instead."

There was silence on the line for a full moment, then Linda asked, "How is he Gina, he hasn't been drinking again has he?"

"No, that's one of the reasons he agreed to the book, it kept him so occupied that he didn't think about the booze, and just so you know he wrote from the Hamptons, I wrote from my townhouse, and we met 4 times to go over the progress, Alexis and Ron were there for two of the meetings, just so you know. I don't want you thinking he is back to his playboy ways, he never was, that was a persona that his agent and I cooked up for him to drive sales."

"I told him he could call me if he needed me, but he hasn't" Linda got out

"And he won't, he said it was unfair to keep you dangling on a string away from others that might make you happy while he dealt with his own issues. He knows you are well, that's all he'll ask of Alexis, and quite frankly all she would tell him anyway. She was so pissed at both of us, it took almost a month to get her to listen, I think she knows what's going on now"

"Well, she's quite the young woman, I love her as my own, and I knew she's protective of me, but not to that extinct. Gina, thanks for the call, I'll look for the book, and as Rick said about me, I feel the same about him. I won't hold him up anymore, I'm seeing someone now, it's very early, but I'm not lonely anymore. Take care of him, and keep him pointed in the right direction, will you? I have to let this play out and see where it takes me."

"Sure, thing Linda, make yourself happy, you deserve it. If I can help you, please reach out, and thanks for taking my call, I just wanted you to know the truth. Take care of yourself and Good Luck with Mr. X" as she hung up the phone.

She felt good for Linda, she knew first hand how badly she was hurting, but her seeing someone, that might send Rick over the edge, regardless of what he said. It was time to talk to Alexis to see what she should do if anything. She knew she broke his heart with her actions before, maybe she could atone for that by watching out for him now, time would tell.


	25. Chapter 25

**Belated Memories** **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes AU completely. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously **_

"_**Well, she's quite the young woman, I love her as my own, and I know she's protective of me, but not to that extinct. Gina, thanks for the call, I'll look for the book, and as Rick said about me, I feel the same about him. I won't hold him up anymore, I'm seeing someone now, it's very early, but I'm not lonely anymore. Take care of him, and keep him pointed in the right direction, will you? I have to let this play out and see where it takes me."**_

"_**Sure, thing Linda, make yourself happy, you deserve it. If I can help you, please reach out, and thanks for taking my call, I just wanted you to know the truth. Take care of yourself and Good Luck with Mr. X" as she hung up the phone.**_

_**She felt good for Linda, she knew first-hand how badly she was hurting, but seeing someone, that might send Rick over the edge, regardless of what he said. It was time to talk to Alexis to see what she should do if anything. She knew she broke his heart with her actions before, maybe she could atone for that by watching out for him now, time would tell.**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 25**

**3 months Later**

**Rick's West Coast Home**

**Malibu, CA**

After the book tour they concluded, the book sales took off, and Rick knew he couldn't go back to life as it was. He still owned the home that had been Meredith's last home, but it would bring back too many memories. He decided to buy a home near that area, and if things didn't work out, he would just have the Management company that was leasing the former home of Mer to handle another rental property.

He hadn't talked to Kate Beckett in almost three years, he thought he had seen her jogging a few times, but quickly changed his route to avoid her, as far as he was concerned, they had said all that needed to be said. A change had come to them all, he thought often of the good old days, Roy, Kev, Javi, Kate and he, at Remy's or the Old Haunt to celebrate birthdays, retirements, promotions, and the last time to toast Roy's life and achievements.

He hadn't been there since, although he still owned it, he had named Brian his General Manager who had the power to manage it as if he owned it. Rick was pleased with the young man's performance and had rewarded him handsomely. His new life in Malibu was nice, different but nice, he enjoyed the private beachfront and often took long walks to let his thoughts drift back to "good old days",

Rick was proud of the book he and Gina had collaborated on; she had confessed she gained closure from working with him, and if he were truthful, he also had answered many questions that had plagued him since their split. He had called Linda, twice, and she was doing great, in fact, she was seeing the Director of the Clinic she was managing. She seemed reluctant to tell him at first, although he already knew it, Alexis was pissed that he had let her go and was on the verge of losing her forever.

"Linda, don't hold back, if you love him show him, tell him, not all guys are as big a jerk as I was. If you need me for anything, just call."

"Thanks, Rick, it's still early, but he is a lot like you, very caring, and he does make me happy."

"I'm glad Linda, that's really all I wanted for you, but I knew I wasn't able to give you all of me, it's better if you find someone that you deserve, I'm happy for you. I'll always treasure the time we had, but as you said, you spent 4 years waiting, it's time for you to seize the moment, be happy."

"That doesn't mean I stopped loving you Rick, it's, well it's, eh"

"Linda, I know what you mean, now I think you know what I was saying to you" as she burst out in tears,

"It's OK, be happy, I'll never stop loving you, ever and if you're happy, so am I"

"You know Rick, I used to get so pissed when people would say that, but now I know what it means, and I know what a struggle you went through trying to give me something you didn't have to give. I'll always love you too, in that special way."

"And I as well, Goodbye Linda, take care of yourself." He knew silently that this part of his life was over, no going back now, only the future was in store for him. He sometimes wished he could cut that period of time with the Detective from his memory, he would be so free. After a few memories of the same time period brought him so much joy, he knew he would do everything all over again.

Maybe he wasn't cut out for marriage, who knew, he had tried but failed twice. Gina had admitted her infidelity on the pages of the book, yet Rick couldn't stop thinking it was somehow his fault, if he had been a better husband, more attentive, a thousand thoughts, until he read her chapter again, where she admitted that she was weak and was swept off her feet by someone she should have never begun a relationship with. Even with her confession, and apology, it didn't convince him he was without guilt.

His therapist had urged him to get involved with activities where he could make a difference. Dr. Sue was a middle-aged, no-nonsense psychologist whose patient list was almost a who's who in the entertainment industry. She was an attractive Brunette who in some ways reminded him of Beckett, crazy, he thought, but she was a kick-ass female doing well in a predominantly male occupation.

Rick had gotten involved with HOSPICE of Greater Los Angeles, the same group who had furnished the support to Meredith, even though she went to New York, the Hospice agency was still linked to her home zip code. The more he got involved the more he discovered, the less the thought of his problems, he was even toying with writing another Heat book, just to prove to himself he could still do it. He wouldn't send anything to Gina till he finished it, but he had several novels started and never completed, perhaps it was time to dust them off and finish the work he started.

He was serving on the Fund-Raising Committee and was attending a meeting at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel in downtown Los Angeles. He was happy with his life now, away from the parties for the celebrity, here he was just another writer in a huge pool of celebs, no one clamoring for his attention. He felt at peace, finally, he enjoyed the fortunes his work had brought, but it was a high price for his personal life. He was finally getting back to himself. He stepped out of the meeting to go to the men's room, damn coffee seemed to be only rented by the hour now. As he exited, he bumped into a lady he hadn't seen who was adjusting her badge and credentials for the big meeting in the main conference room.

"Oh, please excuse me, I didn't know you were going to stop, my fault. I'm sorry." He said in a very sincere voice.

The lady turned and there she was, he was staring into the eyes he had moved heaven and hell for the last 5 years to avoid, Kate Beckett.

"Rick? Is that really you?" What on earth are you doing here?"

"I live out here, well, here and New York, depends on the time of year and what's going on. What about you Captain Beckett, what brings you out of the confines of your office and New York.?"

"I'm here for a Police Officer's Management Conference, it started this morning and goes till Thursday night. What are you doing in the hotel, you have your own house I would guess, the way you used to complain about hotels and life on the road" she said, not thinking then quickly, "I'm sorry Rick, that was a long time ago, and I know you've gone out of your way to avoid me. I shouldn't have said anything about the old times.

"It's OK like you said that was a long time ago, and to answer your question yes I have a home in Malibu overlooking the ocean, it's somewhat like the Hamptons house, except," he caught himself when he saw the pained look come across her face. "I'm sorry, guess you never got around to seeing that home, anyway, it's a nice home here."

"Are you doing OK Rick, I know you went through several surgeries, after the first one, I explained to Alexis in a letter why I wasn't there, I mean*"

"It's fine Kate, again, a long time ago, and I heard your reasoning, no problem. Thank you for sticking out the first one till Mother and Alexis could get there, it meant a lot to them both"

Kate looked rattled, just thinking back about that night, she still had nightmares, but she wouldn't tell Rick. "Well I know I've asked you before, actually a few times in person and a letter, I can understand why, but perhaps you could spare a lunch to talk, Rick or I should say let me tell you somethings I haven't been able to.

I'm not sure if you have my number any more or not, but if you would, think about it, I won't beg Rick, I still have some pride, here's my card if you can find some time, my flight is Friday morning early back to New York." as she handed him her new business card.

"Thanks, I'm not sure I have your number or not anymore, it's been almost 6 years since the heart attack and I've gone through a few phones since then" he lied, her number was and always had been on speed dial.

"Well, I tried to call you but your number was changed, so I thought you didn't want to hear from me, especially after the letter and your response, I got your message."

"Is that why did followed me when I jogged in New York, Kate? I almost always felt your presence before I even saw you. Why didn't you just call me? If I recall I did send you a few texts from the new number, so why not call?"

"I guess, well, eh, I, sorry I'm not sure, I guess as long as I didn't call you couldn't tell me to leave you alone, and for the jogs that started as an accident, again so much I really need to tell you, and not in the hallway leading to the restrooms of our meetings. You have my number now, so call if you care to hear the complete story as you used to say, If I don't hear from you, I won't bother you again. It would be difficult with you living on opposite sides of the country anyway but I'll back off, your call Rick"

Suddenly a voice is heard from behind them,

"Mr. Castle is everything OK, you've been gone for a while and well we were getting worried about you"

The voice belonged to an attractive brunette, that resembled Kate herself about 15 years ago, she was attractive and her gaze on Rick was all Kate needed to know that she was attracted to him.

"Thanks Michelle, I'm fine, I'll be right there, sorry to hold up the meeting"

"Thanks, Mr. Castle, I'll get you a refresher on your coffee, and tell the group you'll be back in five minutes"

"It's Rick, Michelle, and yes thank you that would be great."

"Well, I must be going, I mean it was good to see you, Kate, thanks for the business card"

"Yeah, great, well I'll let you get to Michelle and your meeting", she replied with a hint of jealousy, why she couldn't control herself she never knew. She had no claim on him, never did, but damn you'd have to be blind not to see the younger lady fawning all over him with her words.

"See you around Kate," he said as he joined the young lady behind closed conference room doors.

Kate thought, well that sounded like a brush off if she ever heard one, but what could she do. She had finally gotten her face to face with him which didn't go as well as she had hoped, but oh hell, she had to let it go. If he called, fine if not, time to move on Beckett, someone out there for everyone they say. Maybe they were right like the old saying went, the first step to winning the lottery is buying a ticket. Maybe it was time for her to try her luck.


	26. Chapter 26

**Belated Memories** **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes AU completely. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously **_

"_**I guess, well, eh, I, sorry I'm not sure, I guess as long as I didn't call you couldn't tell me to leave you alone, and for the jogs that started as an accident, again so much I really need to tell you, and not in the hallway leading to the restrooms of our meetings. You have my number now, so call if you care to hear the complete story as you used to say, If I don't hear from you, I won't bother you again. It would be difficult with you living on opposite sides of the country anyway but I'll back off, your call Rick"**_

_**Suddenly a voice is heard from behind them, **_

"_**Mr. Castle is everything OK, you've been gone for a while and well we were getting worried about you"**_

_**The voice belonged to an attractive brunette, that resembled Kate of herself about 15 years ago, she was attractive and her gaze on Rick was all Kate needed to know that she was attracted to him.**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 26**

**Later that Day**

**Rick's West Coast Home**

**Malibu, CA **

Rick had returned to his meeting, but he was lost in thoughts of Kate Beckett, and her request, again to talk. He hardly remembered what was discussed the remainder of the afternoon, and welcomed an early adjournment. When he reached his home he changed, did his laps in the pool, and laid out to enjoy the rays of the sunshine drying him. He had tried everything to put her out of his mind without any luck, as he motored his Porsche 911 Carrera through the canyons and valleys on his way home.

This was his escape when the beach was too cold to run or walk on, he would drive for hours, just letting the car hug the curves and losing himself into thoughts of the problem of the day. He found it to be a much healthier response than hitting the bottle, something that Alexis made him swear not to do, threatening an estrangement if he slipped into that habit.

He thought about meeting Kate, and hearing her out, once and for all, it had been 5 years, and if she still wanted to make things right with him, well would it hurt to listen. He argued silently the pros and cons of a meeting, finally deciding to invite her up to his place for pizza and beer and a talk. He had 5 Bedrooms, one used for his office and 2 guest rooms fully furnished, it would be a hell of a lot better than a hotel, any hotel.

He didn't ask but he guessed it had been a while since she and Kevin had spoken, and since he and Jenny were staying with him for a few days, to review the RCI business, it would offer her some cover, she wouldn't be walking into a home, alone to face down belated memories, good and bad. He decided to text Kevin once she accepted, make that IF she accepted.

Xx

Kate Beckett was usually good at hiding her personal feelings but the run-in with Rick had left her shaken, even feeling weak. She couldn't hide the emotions that came pouring up from the chasms in her that had held them for almost five years, she was a wreck. One of her team members at the convention asked her is she were OK and suggested that she excuse herself and go lie down, rumors were floating that some were getting food poisoning. Seeing an easy out she took it,

"Yeah, I think I will go lie down, whatever it was, it really got me upset"

"Well, be sure you stay hydrated, I'm sure it's a mild case and you'll be fine with some rest," her team member Heid said.

"Yeah, I just need some rest, I'm sure I'll be fine, thanks Heidi, tell the team I'll be back tomorrow"

"Only if you feel like it, I got you covered Kate, Get Well," Heidi said as Kate slid past her to exit, feeling some guilt, but needing to get out of the room.

As she opened her suite, she realized what Rick had meant so long ago, no matter how luxurious, a room was, it wasn't home. What she wouldn't give to have her book collection and her tub to soak as she read to forget her miseries.

She laid across the bed, staring out the window at the mountains, wondering just where Rick was, so close yet so far away. When she left for the break this morning, he was the last person she would have guessed she would have run into, and from the look on his face, the feeling was mutual. She thought back to the days where things were easy between them, Kevin and Javi were the biggest obstacles they had to overcome their nosiness. How did they get so far apart?

She turned to her case and took her file out, the legal pad still with the instances she had done things to hurt, belittle, or insult her partner, and these were just the ones she remembered. She was sure if Rick would be honest, there would be three times as many. The one incident she kept coming back to the beginning of the end, the lie, her lie.

Just as she was deep in thought her cell phone rang, a number she wasn't familiar with, it could be the team coordinator checking to see if she were ill,

"Captain Beckett Speaking, how can I help you?"

"Kate, it's Rick, I don't know if this is a good time or not"

"It's fine Rick, what's up," She stumbled, shocked that he indeed called.

"Well Kevin and Jenny just arrived, and I thought if you'd like to get out of that hotel you could join us for pizza and beer, Kev and Jenny would like to see you, seems like it's been forever for everyone,"

"Kevin and Jenny are here Rick? What hotel?"

"No hotel Kate, they stay with me, I have a lot of space, if you want to come, just go downstairs and dial 347 for my limo and they'll bring you here."

"I have a car Rick; I mean I don't want to put you out"

"Kate, in the first place, you'll never find it, second, you're not putting me out the limo bills me whether they are used or not, so should I order your pepperoni with mushroom for about an hour? Look if you feel uncomfortable once you get here, you're free to leave the limo will take you back or anywhere you wish to go"

Kate thought for about half a second, "What was that number to call for the limo, Rick? I'd like to change so can you guys give me another 20 minutes or so?"

"Sure thing, the number is 347, I'll order it for an hour and a half, that way it will be hot when you get here, see you soon, Kate"

"Rick, she paused for a long second, then said Thanks for calling."

"You're welcome Kate, if you want, pack a bag, like I said Jenny and Kev are here so you're safe and welcome to spend the night"

"Thanks, Rick, see you soon"

She went from feeling like her world had ended to clinging to a chance to talk, at the least she would get to see Kev and Jenny again, she was ashamed that she had been such a loner. She threw a change of clothes into an overnight bag along with her cosmetics, and went down and dialed the number.

"Miss Beckett, this is Randall, I will be your driver tonight to take you to Mr. Castle, please step outside and look for the Black BMW with the lights on, thank you"

"Thanks, Randall, I'll see you soon,"

She walked out the door and saw the car immediately, a handsome young man was standing outside the driver's side and quickly took her bag, "Miss Beckett?" he asked not wanting to transport the wrong party.

"Yes, that's me thanks Randall I assume"

"Yes Mam, please help yourself to a beverage if you care, we should be at Mr. Castles in approximately 47 minutes."

Kate sat back as Randall raised the privacy screen, and watched the beautiful scenery, it seemed the longer they drove, the more beautiful it was, she had seen homes of this type but she almost passed out when the limo pulled up to a gated drive, the home was at least 3,000 feet back, overlooking a beautiful mountain range, and she could hear the roar of the ocean just with her window slightly lowered.

She was still in awe as Randall pulled into the drive, and there stood Rick, a smiling Kevin and Jenny starting to run to her, hugging her tightly as soon as she got out of the car.

"Kate, God, it's good to see you, it's been forever we really need to make time for each other going forward."

They walked to the entrance, where a smiling Kevin picked her up and spun her around, "Good to see you, Kate, you look good. We're glad you came."

Finally, it was time to greet Rick, who was standing behind Kevin, he hugged her gently,

"Glad you decided to make it Kate, these guys almost beat the hell out of me when they found out you were here and I finally had to show them I had already invited you."

Randall asked, "where should I place Miss Beckett's bag, sir,"

"Please place it in the second guest room Randall, thank you," Rick said as he smoothly palmed the tip to him

Kate had a queasy look on her face, almost as if she were being held, hostage,

"Relax, like I said the limo will take you back anytime you choose, no obligation at all, so enjoy.

Come on in, Jenny show Kate the tour if you will, you know about as much as I do about this home, you were the one to find it online, Kev and I need about 15 more minutes to complete the review" Rick laughed

"Sure, thing Rick, Kate you ready, the first room is the guest bathroom, in case you need to use the facilities. They both laughed, when Kate replied, I'm good, not drinking as much coffee as I used to"

Jenny showed her around the home, well if she were being truthful mansion, it had 5 bedrooms, 7 baths, the balconies were off all the bedrooms, the master had a double-sized screened in, with a separate hot tub, the side was were an Olympic sized pool and sauna, every inch yelled out expensive. Each room they went into Kate gasped,

"My God Jenny, this must have cost a fortune, has to be close to $50 million based on property values out here,"

"Good guess Kate, when I first saw it online I kidded Kevin he should show it to Rick, it had been on the market for over 180 days and the ad said to make an offer, owners anxious, well long story he did. I never thought he would, but Rick drove up and closed on it in a week.

I think he said he got it for 34 million, since the couple were divorcing, and held a business together that had to be financed. Anyway, Kev and I flew out and walked through it with Rick that weekend. I was surprised, I thought he would have had Alexis, but she told him that he was mature enough to pick out his fourth house without her help.

I have a girlfriend who's an interior decorator who I hooked Rick up with, so this is all Rick's touch, he gutted the entire house. Sherry, my girlfriend said to me, the man didn't need a decorator, he just needed confidence in his choices. She only asked him to reconsider a few items other than that this is his masterpiece."

"How long has he been out here Jenny, I never heard a word about him moving, and usually the gossip columns are all over things like this."

"He got the urge to move when he and Gina did that book tour, can you believe that, they actually wrote a book together and it was great, don't know if you've read it yet, but he was out here for a tour, got bored and took a drive, got lost and saw this house and fell in love with it.

It took 2 months for the renovations so he's been out here for almost 4 months now. Kevin and I fly out once a month for Kevin to present Rick a business review of the agency. Frankly, I think it's just an excuse to give us a long weekend away and to see us, I love Sarah Grace, but I have to tell you these trips are something Kevin and I both look forward to."

"How is Sarah Grace now Jenny, she had some health problems didn't she? I'm sorry I should know this, I should have kept in touch with you, I do love you all you know that, right?"

"Kate, don't beat yourself up, Kevin just said that you were going through some things, when you were ready, we'd see you again. Another thing about Kev working for Rick, Sarah Grace had a hole in her heart, required open-heart surgery and some intensive care, we never even saw a bill, not even for an aspirin. He refused to tell Kevin the cost, just saying, "you'd do it for me if things were reversed, so forget it".

Our little girl is 100% healthy and pouts with us if she knows we're coming to see Uncle Rick, she thinks of him as her hero. I love that man, Kevin was killing himself at the precinct, then working a second job, Rick made sure we don't worry about that, now Kevin runs the agency as if it were his own."

They had been talking as they walked through the home, including a fully stocked wine cellar, and gourmet kitchen, in all it was 16.947 Square Feet, and if it didn't have it, you didn't need it. It included an elevator, for the top two floors, one for storage, the second floor was Rick's office, and man cave, every kind of game you could think of was there.

They had made it back to the kitchen when the doorbell chimed,

"Excuse me, perfect timing if that is the pizza" Rick said with a smile.

"Kate, you can close your mouth, as Rick keeps telling us, it's a home, enjoy it" Kevin kidded her,

She punched him in the arm like old times, and he laughed, "Good to see you again Boss, it's been far too long, don't wait so long to do this again"

"Agreed Kev," she said quietly as Rick walked back with 4 pizzas, one for each, and of course he had remembered how she liked hers. New York-style, double cheese, light sauce, mushrooms, and crispy pepperoni, that man never forgot anything.

"Thanks Rick, you remembered", she smiled

He returned the smile, and replied, "I remembered almost everything Kate, enjoy your pizza"

Xx

After a few hours, Kevin and Jenny excused themselves, their flight was early so the limo was picking them up at 4:30 AM, leaving just Rick and Kate sitting, laughing and remembering as Kevin had put it "Some crazy ass days,".

Rick poured her a glass of wine, as he directed her to a sitting area, with a fantastic view of the ocean. He opened the door slightly to let her hear the waves crashing onto the beach, so relaxing.

"Rick, this is a mansion, I have no idea what made you buy such a big home, but it is absolutely fabulous, especially when you add that, the beautiful sound of the ocean"

"Thanks, Kate, I had trouble sleeping for a while, they tried a lot of different things, I wouldn't take pills but one of my therapists downloaded this sound to an MB Stick, and when I played it that night, I fell asleep for the first time, well in a long time. I figured, hell I might as well get the real thing since Alexis and Ron are doing so well, they actually bought the loft and the Hamptons home off of me. So, I was homeless for a while," he laughed as he saw Kate's eyes roll like they used to, "so I needed to buy a new home."

"Why here Rick, I mean why California? New York has been your home all your life" she asked politely,

"Yes, it was, but too many things were changing too fast, losing mother, Alexis married, then Roy and Meredith dying, and well Linda going back to the UK, it felt like it was time to get a fresh start away from all the familiar things." He was looking out to the ocean, almost forlornly as he spoke.

"Rick, May I ask you a question, and promise me you will be truthful in your answer, it's not personal about anyone or thing that's not in this room"

"You can ask Kate, I'm not promising you I will answer it, I will if I can, but somethings I'm not ready to talk about, at least not yet."

"That's honest, and I respect that, you said, "it was time to get a fresh start away from all the familiar things, Rick, am I one of those things you needed to get away from?"

He took a sip of his wine, turned to the window, then slowly back to her and said"

TBC


	27. Chapter 27

**Belated Memories** **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes AU completely. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously **_

"_**Why here Rick, I mean why California? New York has been your home all your life" she asked politely,**_

"_**Yes, it was, but too many things were changing too fast, losing mother, Alexis married, then Roy and Meredith dying, and well Linda going back to the UK, it felt like it was time to get a fresh start away from all the familiar things." He was looking out to the ocean, almost forlornly as he spoke. **_

"_**Rick, May I ask you a question, and promise me you will be truthful in your answer, it's not personal about anyone or thing that's not in this room"**_

"_**You can ask Kate, I'm not promising you I will answer it, I will if I can, but somethings I'm not ready to talk about, at least not yet."**_

"_**That's honest, and I respect that, you said, "it was time to get a fresh start away from all the familiar things, Rick, am I one of those things you needed to get away from?"**_

*****************************************************************************/**

**This bonus chapter posted today is for the courteous review left by **Love2Smile2

**Chapter 27**

**Later that evening**

**Rick's West Coast Home**

**Malibu, CA**

He took a sip of his wine, turned to the window, then slowly back to her and said,

"It's late Kate, why don't you get some rest. You can have the limo service take you back to make your meeting, just hit #77 and it will connect you. You're welcome to stay as long as you wish, but I know you and work. Good night" as he took his wine to the veranda, and just stood facing the ocean, listening to the sounds of the waves and breathing the air that seemed so fresh.

Kate was taken back, he had never dismissed her, he was polite, he always was, but this was a side of Rick she hadn't seen, what was it, assertive, and confident. He hadn't invited her, but hell she didn't come all this way to leave with a memory of facing his back as he stared out over the ocean. She took her phone and texted the conference attendance line, she was still ill, and wouldn't be attending the next day's meetings, then she took a breath, preparing for the worst, she slowly opened the door.

Rick never turned around, "Did you get lost Kate, your room is the second from the right at the top of the stairs. You need some rest to sit through meetings all day"

"I didn't get lost Rick, and I already called in for tomorrow. I didn't come out here, to leave things unsaid between us. I know what I did, I just don't know what I must do to earn your forgiveness."

She took two steps towards him, and stopped, not wanting to press too hard, "I've written you, tried to call you, tried to talk to you in person in New York, granted it wasn't the best of times, but I reached out Rick, you shut me down. Now you have a choice, you can turn around and talk to me, or you can stay the way you are, and I'll leave and be out of your life forever. I know how hypocritical that sounds since I was the Queen of shutting you down and treating you so unfairly, but I can't fix something if you won't let me at least try." Tears pooled in her eyes, but she held them in,

Rick continued to stare at the ocean for a long minute, so long till she mentally prepared to pack her cosmetics and call the limo, to take her back to the hotel, back to her life and out of his. He finally turned slowly, and said almost like he was reading a warranty tag off of a piece of furniture,

"Well if we're going to talk, you better grab your glass of wine and sit down. This is my thinking room, so please, if you have something to say, please do.

Kate noticed the bottle of the expensive wine sitting on the table, next to an oversized chair, obviously Rick's "thinking spot" so she slipped down in the chair next to it. "I have my glass Rick when you're ready we'll talk, but I want to know you are looking at me, hearing every word, because, I mean them, every word Rick"

He sat silently in his chair, and turned his head to the ocean, once again, Kate waited, then he turned back to face her almost like he was preparing to shield himself from her words. He filled her glass once again, then his, and nodded for her to begin.

She took a deep breath, then started, "Rick, I know I hurt you, I know when, and I've relived those moments every day, wishing a million times, I could take them back. I've said I'm sorry so many times it's meaningless to you, so I am asking now, Rick has there ever been a time when you fucked up, hurt someone, and tried, really tried to make it right only to get shot down. If you haven't then think of a time when others hurt you as bad or worse than I, why are they forgiven, and I continue to pay the price for a stupid high school maneuver to get you jealous"

His eyes blazed cobalt for a second, Kate fearing she had really stepped in it, then he said softly, "It started before you attacked Deming in the stairway Kate, think if you really want to talk about us. Maybe you don't remember, perhaps you don't want to, but I can't forget it, even with therapy it still haunts me from time to time."

"What do you mean Rick, please help me out here, I need to know when you are talking about?"

"Do you want it word for word, you don't remember doing it?"

"Rick, if I did, I would ask you to forgive me, please tell me, I need to make things right with you, if you will open your heart, please?"

"Kate, you probably did it so often, it didn't even register. I remember working the case with the prep kids, and the lies you told them, all the while staring them straight in the eye. I never thought you would do it too, well someone you worked with, make that tried to help you. I should have picked up on how easily and convincingly you lie."

"Rick what are you talking about, lie, what lie Rick? It's been a while now, so please forgive me if I don't remember everything as you do," she was sorry the minute it came out, she saw the expression change on his face, he had been trying to hear her out, but his eyes glazed when she finished her statement.

"I guess you're right Detective, perhaps it's all on me, I hold things too close, and don't open up too many people, at least that's the diagnosis and results of 2 years of therapy."

"Rick, please tell me I'm sorry I said that last part, it's just that a lot of things have happened to us both, I wouldn't expect you to remember conversations word or word, not after this long."

"Oh, but that's where we differ Detective, I remember too much I guess, especially when someone tells me a lie, not once but twice. Then gives me a lame excuse when it blows up in her face. I can see by your face you still don't recall; well this is the conversation word for word, it might set the stage for how I'm feeling", (Beckett's line in bold)

"_**You're seriously asking me to your place in the Hamptons?"**_

_"I promise, no funny stuff. Just a friendly getaway. It'd be fun."_

_**"Yeah... No. You know, some of us have to work for a living."**_

_"On Memorial Day?"_

_**"Yes. I spent all of my vacation days looking for a new place to live."**_

"If you didn't remember that, I'm sure you don't remember what you said when Deming came up and let the cat out of the bag or do you?"

Kate felt sick, it came back the minute Castle walked through the lines, not only had he remembered what she said but both sides of the conversation, this really had to have hurt him badly.

He didn't wait for her verbal response, "well Tom mentioned that the place around the corner from their beach house had an opening, and you had told me you had to work. Why not just tell me the truth, instead you tried to excuse the lie?"

"_**Yeah, I'm sorry, Castle. I should've just told you. I just didn't want things to be awkward between us, now that Tom and I are together."**_

_No, I get it. Yeah. No, you want your private life to be private._

_**Yeah, I just don't- I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable.**_

_No, of course not. No, I mean... Actually, that makes what I was gonna say a little easier. Um... What with my book due, I was thinking it'd be a good time for us to take a break._

_**A break?**_

_Yeah. God knows you got to be tired of me following you around all the time, and I really do need to get some work done. With everyone gone, I figured, why not just stay up in the Hamptons, you know? Getaway from the city for a while._

_**Well, for how long?**_

_"The summer at least. I thought this would be our last case."_

"As I told Roy, I fully intended to come back after that summer, I would have had time to come to grips with the fact that I wasn't nor ever would be good enough for the great Kate Beckett. Well, it's funny how life events step in some times and direct our actions."

"Rick" she started, but he talked over her and ignored what she wanted to say

"The heart attack, the recovery, the additional surgeries, the lack of contact not only from you, well especially from you but everyone at the precinct. Lanie and Roy were the only people who cared enough to keep in touch and ask if I was alive or dead, even after the papers carried the lawsuit, and transfer to John Hopkins.

I'm thankful for you staying the first night, and I'm sorry I hadn't changed my ICE contact information back to Gina to prevent you from having to do that. Thanks, from all of us, I know you were a great help to Alexis. I think that medical bout kept me from coming back and falling under your spell, being made a fool of once again, and I was your fool.

It also opened the door for me to see that perhaps I wasn't a fungus, and someone did want to be around me, even after hearing all of the horror stories, Linda was a Godsend, and just what I needed, physically, mentally, definitely emotionally."

Kate is quiet, reeling from Rick's statement, word for word of the day she cut him in half. She had lied, again, and it came back to haunt her, every day and night for the last 5 years or so. She knew he was sensitive; Alexis had dressed her down about that in one of the last times she and young Castle spoke. Alexis had in fact handed her ass to her when she got through,

**Flashback to when Rick was getting discharged from John Hopkins.**

Kate finally called Alexis after Lanie told her he was being discharged

"Alexis, Hi, I'm sorry I haven't called, things have been nuts here."

"Yeah I know Kate, work comes first"

"What do you mean, I'm worried about your Dad,"

"Why Kate, why do you care, it's been almost 9 weeks since you even called,"

"He's my partner, of course, I care."

"Is he? Or did Lanie tell you he was being discharged?"

Kate was caught, Alexis had busted her,

"Lanie mentioned he was getting discharged, so yeah I won't lie."

"That's refreshing, you telling the truth, everyone has heard how you treated him the last case, and once you hooked up with your Boyfriend from Robbery, you had no use for Dad. In fact, you lied to his face."

"Wait, Alexis, it's not like that, I mean I broke up with Tom the day your Dad left for the Hamptons, I don't know who told you what but"

"Save it Kate, when Esposito tells you that you treated him like shit, you must have really been bad.

You think my Dad has no feelings, he's just your fucking punching bag, you use him, then let him get close and send him on his way. Detective, he is one of the most caring men in the world, and I hope to God he never speaks to you again, all you want is what he can do for you or your Mother's case.

I feel bad for you, I sincerely do, but just because you had a tragedy occur at age 19 doesn't excuse you treating people the way you do. One day you are going to wake up, alone and lonely, and miserable for all the times you chased people like my Dad away. You know Dad has fought for his life not just once, thanks for taking the time to be here for that, but he almost died two other times. Think if you were the sick one Detective, where would my Dad have been? Yeah, like I thought, Goodbye" and hung up on her"

**Present Time**

"Nothing to say, Detective? Have you finished what you wanted to do by coming here?"

"No, I haven't I was just recalling the last time I spoke to Alexis and the ass-chewing she gave me, deserved of course. I was going to come and see you, but"

"Yeah I heard you showed up three weeks after I had left the hospital, not sure what you were trying to accomplish by that, but you made Renee $400 richer, she had 3 weeks in the pool they all started for how long it would take for you to make an appearance."

"Rick, Lanie told me you were being discharged, then something happened, and you weren't so I had no idea you had been gone three weeks,"

"Something happened? You still don't know? Did you call to find out? Never mind, don't answer that, what happened was I crashed walking out of the hospital and they rushed me back and removed a blockage from the other side that hadn't shown up on any of their tests, so yeah, I guess your description sums it up pretty well. I was being discharged then I wasn't"

"Rick, I didn't mean*"

"**STOP KATE**, enough, that's history" Rick raised his voice for perhaps the first time Kate since had known him, he was angry and hurt.

"I don't want to go back in time and relive those surgeries, what were you trying to tell me, by your actions, your words, how would you feel if the situations were reversed. "

Kate bowed her head, she knew he was hurt, but she never could have expected this, Alexis's words came back once again, predicting her future, she was pretty much there already and it had only taken 5 years.

Rick stood walked to the windows, and opened them a little more, then she realized the sun was about to rise, over the water, it was beautiful, what a contrast to her life. She thought she heard noise, she turned to see Ginny and Kevin up, dressed, drinking a cup of coffee as Rick waved them out to say goodbye.

"Hey Rick, the limo will be here in 5, thanks again, maybe next month's review you can come to New York to see the changes? I know Bryan is anxious to see you as well, he's got some great ideas for the Haunt."

"That sounds like a good idea, I need to check up on the guest Loft, I didn't sell that, so I want to make sure Alexis hasn't taken after her Grams and claimed the entire building. Call Courtney and set it up when it fits into both calendars and let Bryan know when. I missed my little Angel, so tell her Uncle Rick will see her soon,"

"Sounds good Rick, again, thank you" Ginny hugged him and then turned to Kate as Kevin shook his hand in a bro hug

"Good seeing you as well Kate like I said don't be a stranger, you have the numbers," Jenny said as she hugged Kate

Kevin pulled her into a tight hug whispering, "Don't give up, he's hurt, give him time, he still loves you"

The limo arrived and flashed it's lights, as the phone rang, "That's us, see you next month" Kevin called out over his shoulder, as they disappeared into the elevator taking them to the lower level where the limo was waiting.

They may have talked for hours, but Kate was even further from Rick than she had been when she was in New York, and he was here, what a mess.

Rick didn't wait for her to collect her thoughts, "Excuse me, I have some things to do, make yourself at home" as he walked away from her once again, the man who followed her every move was gone, and from the looks of things, would never be coming back.

TBC

A/N Dialog from Canon courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com


	28. Chapter 28

**Belated Memories** **by Castlefan6 **

**Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, Overkill. Starts off with Canon dialog, quickly goes completely AU. No Gina in the Hamptons, just twists of fate in the Castle's lives.**

**I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create. **

_**Previously **_

"_**Rick, Lanie told me you were being discharged, then something happened, and you weren't so I had no idea you had been gone three weeks,"**_

"_**Something happened? You still don't know? Did you call to find out? Never mind, don't answer that, what happened was I crashed walking out of the hospital and they rushed me back and removed a blockage from the other side that hadn't shown up on any of their tests, so yeah, I guess your description sums it up pretty well. I was being discharged then I wasn't"**_

"_**Rick, I didn't mean*"**_

"_**STOP KATE**__**, enough, that's history" Rick raised his voice for perhaps the first time Kate had known him, he was angry, and hurt. **_

*****************************************************************************/**

**Chapter 28**

**Early Next Morning **

**Rick's West Coast Home**

**Malibu, CA**

Kate had stumbled to her guest room, and just laid across the bed, trying to muffle her cries, God she had finally done it, he was in the same house yet he was more gone from her life than any other time in the last five years. Rick hadn't been cruel, but he was different, this wasn't the man she last saw in the precinct and told "you can watch Castle", this man was hurt, yet still confident and wasn't about to let anyone or anything break his spirit.

She wandered to the patio, and opened the door, the sound of the waves crashing onto the shore, seemed cathartic, she was staring off to the East, knowing that unless some miracle or divine intervention occurred, she had just played her last card trying to win Rick's heart.

She pulled out the legal pad, now 4 pages long of all the times she had hurt him, through a remark, failure to thank him, or some other careless action. She added a few more to the bottom, how the hell could he have almost died on the way to being discharged, and she hadn't known about it. He was her partner, how dare Lanie or the others to hold that from her. She thought, yeah partner, that let him linger 9 weeks without checking on him or better yet not even being there for Alexis, God she had been so afraid, they both were the first night.

She looked up and spotted someone on the beach, it was Rick, jogging, maybe she could get him to listen to her if she took the list, and made him hear what she had to say. Not just listen, but hear her every word. She changed into a pair of shorts and slipped on a pair of tennis shoes. She noticed the fridge, and grabbed two bottles of water and then made her way out of his house, hell it was bigger than a frigging museum, but she finally found the door to the beach.

She walked slowly, not wanting to disturb his routine, as she got closer to him, she could tell this was not the man she last saw, he was trim, buff, and had been working out. He was hot as hell if she were being honest, but she needed to make things right, and now. Time was slipping away from her.

She reached him as he just began his walking to cool down, she silently fell in step with him and handed him a cold bottle of water.

"Thanks, what are you doing out here, this is my workout time." He said not thinking how cruel it sounded,

"I'm sorry Rick, I saw you walking, and well it's not important I'm sorry I broke up your workout routine," as she turned and began to walk away.

"**Kate, Stop, PLEASE**" he sounded more like her old Rick, as she stopped but wouldn't turn around, she wasn't going to let him see her cry again.

He walked up beside her, and softly said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude, it's just seeing you again has flooded me with a ton of memories, some I thought I had buried,"

"Memories of us Rick? I can understand why you want to purge me from your life. I wasn't a good partner, I wasn't there when you, and especially Alexis needed me, I won't say I'm sorry," his face curled into a questionable look,

"I will ask, can you ever forgive me, what can I do to make you understand how I feel about you. That first night you were in surgery, I sat with you, the whole night, and when I felt the least movement, I said something I should have repeated when you could have heard me"

She almost fainted when he stopped took her hands, looked into her eyes, and said quietly, "I heard you, Kate, I just thought it was something you were saying to a dying Rick, especially when you didn't repeat it when I woke all the way up"

"You heard me? What did I say, Rick, tell me word for word what you heard, this is important, no more subtext, no more lies, tell me what you heard, please?"

"I woke from the surgery, I think I was in recovery, but that couldn't be right, they wouldn't let you in there, anyway wherever we were I woke to someone gently rubbing small circles on my arm, kissing my forehead, then moving my hair out of my eyes, I was in and out for a few minutes, but I think I heard you or someone say, Fight Rick, Keep Fighting, Mattha and Alexis will be here soon, they love you, I love you, I know I never told you, but I love you, Rick, fight for us all, please. Then I faded out and when I woke again you were there with Alexis and Mother. See I told you I was dreaming."

"Rick, you weren't dreaming, I was in recovery with you, I flashed my badge and threatened to shoot anyone who tried to make me leave, I was out of my mind with worry. I called you a pet name, and I did say exactly what you said, do you remember the name I called you?"

His eyes moist up, and he breathes deep and said quietly, "Babe, you called me babe, and told me to keep fighting because you loved me. Did that really happen, because for the last 5 plus years I discounted it as what I wanted or wished I heard."

Kate tried but she couldn't hold it in anymore, she burst into tears, and threw herself into his arms. "Five years I wanted to tell you this, Richard Castle, I love you, I loved you for years, and if I could have a do-over there are so many things I would do differently. I wish I had been brave enough to tell you when you woke up, hell I wish I had told you the year before when we worked the Candela case with the little girl.

I was asleep in the rocker, I woke to see you going through a trove of stuffed animals, you looked so cute, I could just imagine you with Alexis when she was that age, that was the morning I knew I loved you, more than anyone in the world."

"Kate your ex was working that case, I even walked in on you two kissing at the precinct, so I'm confused"

"Rick, what you walked in on was Will trying to woo me back, and if you had paid attention I turned my head so all he kissed was my cheek, I was in love with someone else, as crazy as it sounds I was head over heels in love with you"

"Kate, why didn't you tell me, or at least change something in the way you treated me, I never picked up on that, I thought you wanted to shoot me, more often than you said, I had no idea"

Rick looked out over the water, eyes full, but quiet, very quiet, Kate had taken his hand and was holding on tightly with both of her smaller hands on the larger one, several moments of silence go by,

"No, you didn't you still don't. BUT if you give me a chance, I'll prove it's not just words, Rick, God, please say something, please tell me I'm not too late, not after we've come this far"

Rick, quietly, turned, locked eyes on hers, and kissed her as she had never been kissed, "I'm sorry Kate, I'm a fool, nothing but a prideful fool, I know I hurt you deeply and I am so sorry."

Kate was half crying, still kissing him every time he stopped talking, finally, she took control of his mouth and tongue, winning the battle for several minutes. "I'm so sorry Rick, I know we need to talk but I want to do something I have dreamed of for years, take me to your bedroom, I need to prove to you, you're all I ever wanted. There have been no others since you left"

He started to speak she kissed him, "Shh, I don't care, I just want you, take me to bed please Rick"

Xx

**One Month Later**

**Kate's Apartment**

**New York**

She didn't know why she felt so nervous, she and Rick had made a lot of headway, the last three days she had in California, they never left his home in Malibu, discussing every question, every action, the reaction that had been their lives till then, in between mind-blowing lovemaking sessions. She didn't care that there had been others in the past, what she did care and made certain the message was clear, that he had found his last one. Just as she knew she had found her one and done, they still had issues to resolve, but she knew it would be possible, she had some surprises for him when he came for dinner tonight.

He had flown in this morning to be with Kevin and Bryan at the Haunt and planned to stay the long weekend, to discuss, yeah that was what they were doing, among other things, more of their lives together with Kate. They had talked at least twice every day since she had to leave, a tearful goodbye at the airport, but a promise to each other that both were keeping. Each morning she would be awakened by a Skype call, with his smiling face, and starting her morning off by blowing her kisses.

She had dug out a box that had been hidden deep in her closet, as she opened it, she carefully reviewed its contents, and then placed them back into the chest, careful to keep them in order. She didn't need to read what she had written, she had memorized each line, and nothing would ever take these memories away from her. She had a surprise for Rick, she was hopeful it would prove her love, not bring back old memories, she had plenty to make up for in that department.

She had just wiped the tears from her eyes when her phone rang, his ringtone, Always by the old group Atlantic Star.

"Hey Beautiful, did I catch you at a bad time?" he always asked, regardless of what time of day or night it was when he called,

"No Babe, the only bad times I have anymore are those I spend away from you. You're still coming, tonight, aren't you?" as the fear overtook the tears in her voice.

"Well, about that, there's been a slight change of plans" he said quietly,

"Oh, I understand, so no visit tonight?" she said barely holding back the tears,

"Afraid that's up to you, Kate, you may be tired of me by then"

"I'm sorry Rick, did I miss something, why would I be tired of you?"

"Open your door Kate" she leaped up and flew open the door and there he stood, with a beautiful bouquet of flowers, "See, you may be tired of me by then"

She answered him with a kiss, one that made her neighbor lady Widow Cresset who had just stepped outside her door, stop and stare, before adding her comment, "Take him to bed Kate, hell as good as he looks if you don't I sure as hell will try"

They both laughed as they stumbled through the door, finally breaking apart, as she took her flowers and put them in a vase, never letting go of his hand.

"I hope I'm not interrupting any plans, Kate, I thought about calling, but then I just wanted to see you so much, being honest I was afraid you'd say wait till tonight."

"Babe, you have to realize, and please understand as she takes his face in her hands gently, YOU are my everything, nothing else compares, nothing Rick. I waited so long to be able to tell you how much I loved you, and I will do anything to prove it to you, anything." She kissed him as her tears began to fall, it seemed she couldn't hold him tight enough, kiss him enough to make up for all the time they had lost, but she sure as hell wasn't holding back now.

Rick broke the kiss, as he gasped a deep breath, "Kate, I know we've only been together for technically 3 days in person and a month over the phone, but I love you more than anything in this world. I feel so lonely when I hang up, wondering what the hell are we doing? I mean, I have more money than I will spend in a lifetime, and what's keeping you in New York?"

"Rick, are you asking me something, because, I didn't hear a question there, and I don't want to go back to subtext and innuendo, remember what got us in trouble. What do you want to ask me, Rick?" Another round of kissing, until Kate finally had to gasp for air.

"Yes, Kate what is holding you here in New York? Your Dad, rest his soul, would want you to be happy, and I think I can do that. If you don't like California, where would you move, what would it take to get you to move in with me?"

Her tears burst as she held him tightly, sobbing into him as he kissed her head gently, he thought perhaps the mention of her late father had burst the waterworks open, till she looked into his eyes, and said quietly "wait here, I'll be right back"

Rick sat quietly on the love seat, thinking what did he do, how could he make it up to her, when she returned with a wooden box, or small chest, and placed it in front of him.

"Kate, what's this?"

"It's part of your answer, open it, please?"

Rick opened the box, on top was a journal with daily entries starting from the day he left the precinct, he read the first few lines, "God, I messed everything up, I wanted to make Rick jealous by using Tom, and well it backfired. OF course, it did Kate, Rick won't go after anyone who is promised, God you are a fool, at least you let Tom down easy but he knew he had been used, now I've hurt two men, one the love of my life. What I wouldn't do for another chance"

"Kate?"

"Shhh Babe, it's yours, the entire box is yours, I wondered if I would ever have the courage to give it to you. I love you; I've loved you for years, this is the only way I could get through some days."

Rick looked slowly, there were Christmas cards, Birthday cards, Valentine's Day, just about every day, including Sweetest Day, and the anniversary of the day she met him. Each had her beautiful handwriting, love letters in cards to him for every occasion or day, many he had thought about her and wondered if he ever crossed her mind. This was a box of memories they never had the chance to celebrate, or even be together. She had even written him for every occasion, even when he was with Linda, that had to have been hard for her.

"Babe? Say something, you wanted proof that I love you, and I don't blame you. I never told you, at least to your face but Rick, I wrote you a letter for every occasion, I even bought you cards we would have exchanged if I hadn't screwed up, and we were a couple, it isn't too much, is it? "

Rick remained silent, as Kate's fears grew, finally he wiped his eye, pulled her onto his lap and said, you did this even when you knew I may never return, that had to be painful."

"Yeah, but like the therapist said, when you miss someone's birthday, or anniversary you say Happy Belated, and well, this is stupid Rick but Happy Belated Memories, now you know I love you, and I only want to be with you, no matter where we go, I jut want to be by your side."

"Kate, would you join me in California, but not as Kate Beckett, hell I'm a writer you'd think I could come up with more profound words than this, but the truth is, I love you and I want to be your one and done, Kate Beckett would you marry me?" As he pulled a beautiful ring from his pocket, she didn't even care how long he had it, she was just so happy.

She kept her voice long enough to whisper, "Yes, Always, no more memories will be belated, you're mine forever,"

**The End,**

Letting you the reader finish how the newlyweds will live their lives, I hope you enjoyed, Thanks for the support and reviews.


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